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There’s Always Gonna be Haters!

Suddenly God from the Old Testament of the Bible spoke in my head. He was probably wearing robes, had a beard and wanted to smite me. He said: “What is this fixation of yours with sex? How many other people don’t like you because of your stupid, confessional blog? Henry and the girls would have a lot more invitations and friendships if you were a better person and not such a perv!” Old Testament God can be a real little bitch sometimes. Keep reading.

One Task: How to Build Self-Esteem from my Asshat Recovery Program

Back in my Asshat days I was incredibly annoying. And I wasn’t even the Asshat. But when you’re dating one your behavior can get Bitchtastic. I knew everything that my Asshat, Mr. Cruelly Handsome, should be doing if he were ever going to be anything more than an execrable excuse for a boyfriend. (Keep reading for my self-esteem boosting exercise!)

Is it Just Me or is Lady Mary of Downton Abbey an Asshole?

Initially it’s true I thought Lady Edith a bit, how shall we say, church mouse-ish in appearance, but how she grows on you with her vulnerability, her dewy eyes, her gentle, yet steely resolve to raise her own child, while that fucking Lady Mary sees her own baby for five minutes between teas and vagina kegels to create the steel glove that entraps unsuspecting lords and dignitaries! Keep reading!

A (Video) That Proves There’s More Than One Ideal Body Type

What if this weight is perfect for me at age 49? What if I didn’t spend the day feeling like my body wasn’t behaving as perfectly as I’d like it to be? What if, just for today, I lay down my defenses and decide my body isn’t an ongoing project, rather a magical, irreplaceable conduit for seeing, smelling, tasting, hearing and feeling my own experience in the corporeal world. If I allowed that, maybe I would feel how much I love my body, how much I appreciate what it’s doing and has done for me my whole life.

Three Bodies: Identical Twins Heal Body Image Issues Through Fine Art Nudes

“Sometimes I feel like Peter Pan. But not because I don’t want to grow up. I’m like Peter Pan in that I’m chasing my shadow, only my shadow is my body.” – Lisanne Sartor When I was 46-years old I had flattering nudes taken of myself to combat negative feelings I had about my rounder, aging body. It was so liberating that I wanted to do the same thing for other women … keep reading!

Women Look in an Interactive Mirror and get a Massive Surprise! (Video)

When these women look into an interactive mirror, they are not expecting what is about to happen. I am weeping as I type this. Send the following video to all of the loving, beautiful women you know today. xoxoxo S Keep reading …

Bedroom

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Are You Willing to Admit Your Number? Not that one, Your REAL Number?

Me: Honey, I lied and told everyone we only have sex once a week. I didn’t want to make them feel inadequate by giving them the real number. Henry: Our real number isn’t even in the realm of quantifiability given its massive girth. Me: It’s kind of like in Interstellar when Matthew McConaughey was floating between worlds on the inexplicable time continuum. That’s how many times we have sex a week except that time is collapsed and weeks are really eons of incomprehensibility. Henry: After all of those words I’m too tired to have sex, except maybe in the square root of Pi arena. Keep Reading!

Caught In The Act and Traumatized!

Midnight. Exhausted as we were, we were not going down (so to speak) without a fight. We’d just begun certain preliminary gestures toward one another. Clothes were shucked, body parts beginning to mingle like awkward teenagers at an after-school dance when the distinct sound of padding feet made us freeze. Keep Reading!

Slippery When Wet!

I remember the moment as if it were yesterday. I’d gone into my college boyfriend’s parents’ bedroom in search of Kleenex when I noticed something on their night table that embarrassed me so much it sent me pelting for the exit. Was it a the entire Penthouse backlog circa 1976? No. Was it an intimidating dildo modeled after Joe Namath? No. Was it Michael Jackson’s sparkling white, inexplicable glove? No, it was…

Bye-Asshats

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One Task: How to Build Self-Esteem from my Asshat Recovery Program

Back in my Asshat days I was incredibly annoying. And I wasn’t even the Asshat. But when you’re dating one your behavior can get Bitchtastic. I knew everything that my Asshat, Mr. Cruelly Handsome, should be doing if he were ever going to be anything more than an execrable excuse for a boyfriend. (Keep reading for my self-esteem boosting exercise!)

Shift For Love: I’m Speaking At My First Relationship Seminar With Dr. Gary Penn!

I’m thrilled to announce my participation in my first-ever relationship seminar, Shift For Love, on (mark your calendars) Saturday, April 18th in Santa Monica, California! Below you’ll meet the inimitable Dr. Gary Penn of the mellifluous voice and sage advice, and the creative, effusive image-coach Kimberly Seltzer along with what the three of us have planned for this all-day event.

11 Actionable Tasks to get out of an Abusive Relationship with an Asshat

Addiction to a person is no different than addiction to a substance. All of the same symptoms can take hold: Descent into a shame-spiral about the addiction. An inability to control your own behavior often participating in self-destructive, compulsive and furtive activities. Keep Reading!

Buzzfeed Liquors Some Moms Up and Makes Them Talk About Their Kids. Holy Crap! (Video)

“I love when she puts her tiny little hand against my cheek and says, ‘Mommy, I love you!’ and then we close our eyes and take a nap. And then the next thing that happens is she shoves her fucking little finger up my nose!” and “If it weren’t for Sesame Street I’d never take a shit.”

Can You Guess Which Movie? (I fast-forwarded through the sexy stuff)

Sunday night I took a hard, violent fall, kinda pin-balled down there. Hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit!
I’m not saying I survived, but I thrived. I met a dolphin down there, and I swear to God that dolphin looked, not at me, but into my soul. Into my God damn soul, Annie! And it said, ‘I’m saving you Megan’. Not with its mouth, but…I’m assuming telepathically?

Prepare to Cry. Defeating Bullies by Opening a Door to Kindness. (Video)

One of the many things I love about the internet is the speed with which the audacity, bravura and sheer paradigm-shifting wonderfulness of our fellow humans can be transported through the ether. This young man is a badass at defeating bullies in the best possible way. Keep Reading!

IPL Before and After Pictures

I feel it’s my responsibility to try out all dermatological anti-aging procedures before you do, in case they are disastrous. I suppose you can think of me as your minion who tastes your food before you do, in case it’s poisoned. Didn’t someone do that for Jesus? Or was it Voldemort? I can’t be sure. In any case, this time I’ve tried IPL, also known as Intense Pulsed Light Therapy. I had my four treatments at Dr. Rebecca Fitzgerald’s office on Larchmont Ave. in Los Angeles.

A Paraplegic Dancer Ends Up Homeless, Then This Happens (Video) …

If you weren’t crying you will be. Jill Smokler of Scary Mommy published my story, My Name Is Tom, about my encounter with a homeless man with my daughters in tow, which was initially frightening, then quickly turned into a moment I’ll never forget. Keep reading …

Do These Panties Make me Look Fat?

The Granny panties. You know the ones, tall and white and slippery and just tight enough to give almost any ass the appearance of a broad pancake. The kind that should only be worn when you’re cast adrift on a raft from a sunken cruise liner, in order to flag down planes from a mile in the sky.

Babylon

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Is it Just Me or is Lady Mary of Downton Abbey an Asshole?

Initially it’s true I thought Lady Edith a bit, how shall we say, church mouse-ish in appearance, but how she grows on you with her vulnerability, her dewy eyes, her gentle, yet steely resolve to raise her own child, while that fucking Lady Mary sees her own baby for five minutes between teas and vagina kegels to create the steel glove that entraps unsuspecting lords and dignitaries! Keep reading!

Am I The Only One Who Loved 50 Shades of Grey? (Videos)

I asked Henry if I could stay and watch “50 Shades of Grey” while he and the girls went home. Did I see, in the gleam of his eye, the memory of how I pounced on him during my reading-the-books phase? His “yes” came at the speed of light and I wondered whether I’d return home to find him rigging an equestrian harness to our head board.

My Cat Fight With Gwyneth Paltrow and my Fear of Failure

The year is 1991. I’ve been senior class president, most popular girl and Homecoming queen in high school. It is obvious I am destined for greatness. This is only confirmed when I get a phone call from the casting agent for then-Broadway director, Arvin Brown, telling me that out of hundreds of actresses (many of them from New York where the real actors live) I’ve won the role of Madge

Bushwhacking

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How to Have a Threesome in Vietnam!

The room was dark and quiet and I could hear the familiar sound of sleeping bodies around me. But there was another noise as well. In the bunk above me. Oh God, please no. The wet fluid sound of movement.

Utah is Dry no More and Jack Nicholson Might Show up in my Hotel Room

All I really seem to crave right now is some warm milk and a Thai caning. Neither of which I am capable of purloining in The Peery Hotel aka The Overlook Hotel in The Shining. I may not survive the night.

Au Revoir Paris, Time to Get Organized for 2014. I Could Use Some Help!

Leaving Paris to go home and: 1. Set up mammogram. 2. Set up doctor appointment to remove child’s warts. 3. Figure out Obama Care. 4. Pick up cats from kennel 5. Mainline crack.

There’s Always Gonna be Haters!

Suddenly God from the Old Testament of the Bible spoke in my head. He was probably wearing robes, had a beard and wanted to smite me. He said: “What is this fixation of yours with sex? How many other people don’t like you because of your stupid, confessional blog? Henry and the girls would have a lot more invitations and friendships if you were a better person and not such a perv!” Old Testament God can be a real little bitch sometimes. Keep reading.

She Showed Her Blind Date How Crazy She Was. What Happened Next…

So, through lots of trial and error I came up with some rules for dating: #1 Blind dates could only be during non-prime time (weekday coffee or lunch, maybe weeknight drinks if he came highly recommended). #2 Prime-time dates (i.e., Friday or Saturday night) had to be preceded by at least one non-prime date. #3 No calling after the first date. That was up to him, and if he didn’t call me within a week, write him off. If he called within a day or even two, then regarded him with suspicion and distrust. That meant he was too eager … Keep Reading!

2015 Will Be My Best Year Yet! Cue Insane Laughter.

Hello New Year, you gorgeous bastard! I can hardly wait to conquer you and ride victoriously upon my steed, the Night Falcon, through the gates of Helm’s Deep with your Uruk-hai head, festooned with gnashing teeth, on a pike! Because I’ve got this! I’ve got 2015 by the freaking short hairs. Except I don’t … keep reading!

Buy/Bites

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Just What You’ve Been Waiting For: The Chocolate Anus

Dear Mother of God, can it be true? Is it possible that there’s a chocolatier who actually uses the casting of an Unknown Woman’s Anus to make high-quality Belgian chocolate? Yes, Dorothy, it’s true.

Fashion Friday with Bungalow 20: From Vegan Leather to Studded Collars!

Happy Fashion Friday. What are you doing tonight? My friend Jamie and hubby Brian are joining Henry and me for a screening of Anne Hathaway’s new movie, … oh wait, I was looking up the name of the movie on google when I got distracted by The 40 Ugliest Photos of Usually Hot Famous Chicks. Be right back …wow, poor Britney.

Fashion Friday at Bungalow 20: Black, Blues and Greys with Great Drape!

I keep telling myself I have to take advantage of beautiful clothes now, while I can still walk upright and don’t yet have to wear adult diapers. You never know when incontinence may strike! Here are a few of the fun tops and a couple of great necklaces I tried on below … Keep Reading!