New on TWFKAB

View all posts

Just What You’ve Been Waiting For: The Chocolate Anus

Dear Mother of God, can it be true? Is it possible that there’s a chocolatier who actually uses the casting of an Unknown Woman’s Anus to make high-quality Belgian chocolate? Yes, Dorothy, it’s true.

3 Steps to Quitting Your Addiction to the Asshat

I have some ground-breaking information for those of you still enmeshed with an Asshat. By “enmeshed” I mean, thinking about her all of the time, feeling clingy when she’s not around, calling him six times an hour, snooping around in her drawers to see if she’s cheating, sitting outside his house eating donuts and drinking Thunderbird wearing a headset to listen to him through the microphone you taped under his bed while he was in the john.

Fashion Friday with Bungalow 20: From Vegan Leather to Studded Collars!

Happy Fashion Friday. What are you doing tonight? My friend Jamie and hubby Brian are joining Henry and me for a screening of Anne Hathaway’s new movie, … oh wait, I was looking up the name of the movie on google when I got distracted by The 40 Ugliest Photos of Usually Hot Famous Chicks. Be right back …wow, poor Britney.

Three Bodies: Identical Twins Heal Body Image Issues Through Fine Art Nudes

“Sometimes I feel like Peter Pan. But not because I don’t want to grow up. I’m like Peter Pan in that I’m chasing my shadow, only my shadow is my body.” – Lisanne Sartor

Women Look in an Interactive Mirror and get a Massive Surprise! (Video)

When these women look into an interactive mirror, they are not expecting what is about to happen. I am weeping as I type this. Send the following video to all of the loving, beautiful women you know today. xoxoxo S Keep reading …

I’ve Managed to get Nude Again on HuffPo Live!

This story is close to my heart because of the intimate, stunning work photographer Beth Sanders and body-coach Marlene Zaleznick did with our subject, a woman we call Claire, who wanted to lay her body image issues to rest after she’d laid her father to rest this year.

Bedroom

View all posts

Caught In The Act and Traumatized!

Midnight. Exhausted as we were, we were not going down (so to speak) without a fight. We’d just begun certain preliminary gestures toward one another. Clothes were shucked, body parts beginning to mingle like awkward teenagers at an after-school dance when the distinct sound of padding feet made us freeze. Keep Reading!

Slippery When Wet!

I remember the moment as if it were yesterday. I’d gone into my college boyfriend’s parents’ bedroom in search of Kleenex when I noticed something on their night table that embarrassed me so much it sent me pelting for the exit. Was it a the entire Penthouse backlog circa 1976? No. Was it an intimidating dildo modeled after Joe Namath? No. Was it Michael Jackson’s sparkling white, inexplicable glove? No, it was…

The Surprising Thing that Happened when I had Drinks with this Looker

On top of his seemingly ageless good looks, he’s smart, caustically funny and has won an Emmy for a news story about a goat. Throw in my zaftig insouciance and we should be An Affair To Remember.

Bye-Asshats

View all posts

3 Steps to Quitting Your Addiction to the Asshat

I have some ground-breaking information for those of you still enmeshed with an Asshat. By “enmeshed” I mean, thinking about her all of the time, feeling clingy when she’s not around, calling him six times an hour, snooping around in her drawers to see if she’s cheating, sitting outside his house eating donuts and drinking Thunderbird wearing a headset to listen to him through the microphone you taped under his bed while he was in the john.

The #1 Thing you Need to get out of an Asshatty, Abusive Relationship!

One of my rock bottoms was discovering my boyfriend romancing another woman at 2 a.m. in his apartment, which I’d been staking out for three days. I was on a first-name basis with the cops in the police car next to me staking out a drug ring. We exchanged donuts. Keep reading!

Answer 7 Questions to Discover if You’re in a CoDependent Relationship (with an Asshat!)

1. You are unable to find satisfaction in your life outside of a specific person. Example: When my former Asshat decided at the last minute not to come to my best friend’s wedding with me (and I was a bridesmaid!) because he’d just returned from a boys’ Vegas trip where he’d probably slept with too many hookers …

Prepare to Cry. Defeating Bullies by Opening a Door to Kindness. (Video)

One of the many things I love about the internet is the speed with which the audacity, bravura and sheer paradigm-shifting wonderfulness of our fellow humans can be transported through the ether. This young man is a badass at defeating bullies in the best possible way. Keep Reading!

A Plea to the Overachieving Mothers! You’re Making me Look Bad!

I’m a terrible mother! For all I know the drama kid’s really staying at school till four playing craps against the side of the handball court with a coupla middle schoolers named Vinnie and Jett who dropped out last month cuz they got caught smoking vapor cigarettes in the girl’s toilet … Keep Reading!

Her Water Broke – Father Tries to get Home in Time to see his Daughter Born! (Video)

I loooved this video made by filmmaker, Casey Neistat, when he was out of town and found out his wife’s water broke and she was in labor. Talk about rushing to catch a flight.

My early New Year gift to you:

A Paraplegic Dancer Ends Up Homeless, Then This Happens (Video) …

If you weren’t crying you will be. Jill Smokler of Scary Mommy published my story, My Name Is Tom, about my encounter with a homeless man with my daughters in tow, which was initially frightening, then quickly turned into a moment I’ll never forget. Keep reading …

Do These Panties Make me Look Fat?

The Granny panties. You know the ones, tall and white and slippery and just tight enough to give almost any ass the appearance of a broad pancake. The kind that should only be worn when you’re cast adrift on a raft from a sunken cruise liner, in order to flag down planes from a mile in the sky.

Debuting Mary Kay’s Flirty Festive Look and Win $100 Gift Card!

Margaret, the holiday season is upon us. This is the time to counter-intuitively stop eating duck confit with fig marmalade and berry compote. That’s right, Margaret, I can see you! Put the duck fat down. Put it down right now! You’re not even French, for Godsakes!

Babylon

View all posts

8 Picks for Best and Worst Movies of 2014. And my Oscar Predictions!

Do NOT go see Interstellar. Because the time continuum — on which relativity, gravity and the unquantifiable algorithm of love is unspooled by that easy-on-the-eyes Texan, Matthew McConaughey, as he goes on ahead into outer space just as nervous-as-a-cat-inna-room-fulla-rocking-chairs and gets busier-thana-cat-coverin’-shit-onna-rockpile tryin’a get back home to his kin — makes no fucking sense at all!

One of the Many Reasons to Swoon Over Jimmy Fallon. Oh, and Brad Pitt too.

Brad Pitt Jimmy Fallon break dancing. Me laughing uncontrollably. Tween daughters thinking we are all lame. Dog eating his own poo.

Girl on the Edge; a Powerful film about Healing from Date Rape

I realize that our daughters are coming of age in a time where date rape is not only still a threat but there is also the possibility of the crime being documented and disseminated on social media.

Bushwhacking

View all posts

How to Have a Threesome in Vietnam!

The room was dark and quiet and I could hear the familiar sound of sleeping bodies around me. But there was another noise as well. In the bunk above me. Oh God, please no. The wet fluid sound of movement.

Utah is Dry no More and Jack Nicholson Might Show up in my Hotel Room

All I really seem to crave right now is some warm milk and a Thai caning. Neither of which I am capable of purloining in The Peery Hotel aka The Overlook Hotel in The Shining. I may not survive the night.

Au Revoir Paris, Time to Get Organized for 2014. I Could Use Some Help!

Leaving Paris to go home and: 1. Set up mammogram. 2. Set up doctor appointment to remove child’s warts. 3. Figure out Obama Care. 4. Pick up cats from kennel 5. Mainline crack.

2015 Will Be My Best Year Yet! Cue Insane Laughter.

Hello New Year, you gorgeous bastard! I can hardly wait to conquer you and ride victoriously upon my steed, the Night Falcon, through the gates of Helm’s Deep with your Uruk-hai head, festooned with gnashing teeth, on a pike! Because I’ve got this! I’ve got 2015 by the freaking short hairs. Except I don’t … keep reading!

Device Addiction: Does the Quest to Constantly Quantify our Lives Diminish Them?

I’m six months shy of 50 and, like most people my age, can no longer eat mindlessly without packing on unwanted pounds. Now each bite does not touch my lips before it’s fingerprinted, patted-down and cavity-searched on that hellish Fitness Pal app.

Monday Paralysis in Cougar Town

I woke up this morning utterly paralyzed by all of the things I need to do or think I need to do or can’t remember if I need to do or in what order I need to do. Wear my cougar costume.

Buy/Bites

View all posts

Just What You’ve Been Waiting For: The Chocolate Anus

Dear Mother of God, can it be true? Is it possible that there’s a chocolatier who actually uses the casting of an Unknown Woman’s Anus to make high-quality Belgian chocolate? Yes, Dorothy, it’s true.

Fashion Friday with Bungalow 20: From Vegan Leather to Studded Collars!

Happy Fashion Friday. What are you doing tonight? My friend Jamie and hubby Brian are joining Henry and me for a screening of Anne Hathaway’s new movie, … oh wait, I was looking up the name of the movie on google when I got distracted by The 40 Ugliest Photos of Usually Hot Famous Chicks. Be right back …wow, poor Britney.

Fashion Friday at Bungalow 20: Black, Blues and Greys with Great Drape!

I keep telling myself I have to take advantage of beautiful clothes now, while I can still walk upright and don’t yet have to wear adult diapers. You never know when incontinence may strike! Here are a few of the fun tops and a couple of great necklaces I tried on below … Keep Reading!