Tweens
Back to homepage
My Daughter Has Made an Unsettling Transformation
My daughter has become a cat. She turns 13 years old in six days, but she began the shift to coy feline about two months ago. I’m not sure when she first rebuffed me. I suppose I didn’t notice because I probably thought she’d simply had a bad day and needed to be left alone. So this new Tabby Trend literally snuck up on me and pounced. How it used to be: Keep Reading!
Read More
Westwood Charter Families, If You’re on the Fence About Emerson Middle School, Here’s why I Think you Should go.
Excerpt. That’s when something green and gelatinous will ooze out from under the door of the science lab, or the school emergency alarm will blare unexpectedly and for no reason at all, or one hundred towering 8th graders will burst from their classrooms; talking and laughing in the maniacal pitch of children at the peak of puberty running amok, some breaking the rules and sliding down the stair bannisters. Keep reading…
Read More
Discover How I Made My Daughter A Better Athlete!
I stalked left field like a panther, my stride sinuous. Predatory. My Wilson 6-4-3 Series 13 Slow-pitch glove embraced my powerful, lightning-quick left-hand like a pashmina. My 11-year old opponent stepped up to the plate. Standing an intimidating 4′ 11″, weighing in at a muscle-hewn 85 lbs. she took her batting stance. Was that a gangland tear I saw tattooed out of the corner of her left eye? Her impregnable helmet made it difficult to be sure. Keep Reading!
Read More
Can You Guess Which Movie? (I fast-forwarded through the sexy stuff)
Sunday night I took a hard, violent fall, kinda pin-balled down there. Hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit!
I’m not saying I survived, but I thrived. I met a dolphin down there, and I swear to God that dolphin looked, not at me, but into my soul. Into my God damn soul, Annie! And it said, ‘I’m saving you Megan’. Not with its mouth, but…I’m assuming telepathically?
A Plea to the Overachieving Mothers! You’re Making me Look Bad!
I’m a terrible mother! For all I know the drama kid’s really staying at school till four playing craps against the side of the handball court with a coupla middle schoolers named Vinnie and Jett who dropped out last month cuz they got caught smoking vapor cigarettes in the girl’s toilet … Keep Reading!
Read More
10 Things NOT to do on Your Child’s School Field Trip
When the Bossy Docent yells at a child for pulling a pine cone off a tree, yelling, “Leave this land exactly as you found it,” do not whisper to your child’s teacher, “I can just imagine her in bed, ‘leave my vagina just as you found it; parched, spiny and uninhabitable.'”
Read More
Zen and the Art of Sailing During A Small Craft Advisory Warning
I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to barf. I didn’t want to get salty. I didn’t want to smell feces. I didn’t want to be dominated by forces beyond my control. I was invited to take a sailing
Read More
My Kids Don’t Rebel Against Me, I Rebel Against Them!
12-year-old Clare looks at me as I’m getting ready to go to the gym. Clare: Shannon, you can’t wear those shorts. Me: I am not Shannon, I am Mom. Clare: You are Shannon when you wear those shorts. Me: Is
Read More
If Corrupting My Child Is Wrong, I Don’t Wanna Be Right aka Bad Parenting
We’re the parents who allowed our 12-year old daughter to watch two R-rated movies. Is it my imagination or have our phones stopped ringing for play dates because we’re the libertines leading our child down the inglorious path of foul-mouthed,
Read More
One Mom Ponders her “What Ifs” when it Comes to her Autistic Son
Today’s post comes from filmmaker Lisanne Sartor who shares her parenting what-ifs: As a parent, it’s easy to drive yourself nuts wondering if you’ve irreparably harmed your kids with the mistakes you’ve made. “What if I hadn’t yelled at him
Read More
Empty Nest = Sex in Strange Places?
Sex on the dining room table had never been so raw, because Henry ate fresh sashimi and unagi off of my pendulous orbs of alabaster breast flesh, his steel-hewn thighs thrusting my sinewy ones open as he positioned himself in
Read More
What Happened when Her Son was Diagnosed with Autism
I’m thrilled to introduce screenwriter/director, Lisanne Sartor to all of you. Lisanne’s short film, The Six Letter Word, about an unlikely mother coming to terms with her young son’s autism after an unexpected encounter with one of her johns, features
Read More
What’s the Story Your Kids Tell About You?
I have daughters entering puberty while I simultaneously enter menopause. It’s an occasional Shitastrophy and I expect even more Punji Stick booby traps as their estrogen escalates and mine deteriorates. It was during my pubescent years I began to shape the
Read More
What Happened When I Forced my Daughter into the Ocean aka Bad Parenting
The day was perfect for boogie boarding at the beach. The tubes were hollow, the pits weren’t dropping, there weren’t any bombs to pound you and you could even catch air on some radical ramps, Bro. But there Clare stood
Read More
5 Summer Camp Activities That Scarred my Children
I did something that totally pissed my kids off. I sent them to summer sports camp so I could work and try to make money to pay for their braces and college. That’s right, I’m an asshole. After camp, when
Read More
How “The Fault In Our Stars” Changed Me
What was I thinking? I just read John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars, the one about the teenage cancer patients, Hazel Grace and Augustus Waters, who fall in love. (not a sponsored post and there is a spoiler a few sentences
Read More
If I Did This to my Daughters They Would Never Speak to me Again, But Dang it’s Funny
Okay. This is funny even if you’re having period cramps. Don’t want to publish any spoilers so all I can really write about this is #flocomestotown #theredbadgeofcourage #surfingthecrimsonwave #thecurse #therearecommunistsinthefunhouse #reddotspecial Enjoy!
Read More
Daughters are from Venus, Daddies are from Mars aka The Father Daughter Relationship
Daddies value quiet, calm, cool-headedness, solutions to problems and a frothy lager. Pubescent Daughters value love, acceptance, patience and a safe place to dump their volcanic, spuming, flesh-incinerating emotions. If an unsuspecting Daddy doesn’t understand how a marauding daughter is
Read More
The Post in Which I Exhibit Poor Parenting Skills aka The Exquisite Maternal Martyr
“Alright fine, let’s just go! No one wants to be here anyway so let’s just go home and all get on our electronic devices in separate rooms so we don’t actually have to interact ever again!” Oh yes, that was
Read More
I’m a Tween’s Worst Nightmare
Bridget just turned 10. Claire has 12 in her sniper sights. I’ve had a few epic fails recently which I won’t detail in order to protect tween privacy. But one of my less epic fails was attempting to kiss Bridget
Read More
10 Ways Having Kids Changed My Life
When the nurse placed my first swaddled newborn on my chest right after I gave birth, I believe the first words out of my mouth to my husband were, “I am so f#@ked.” And I still feel that way. Because
Read More
Experts Say, “Don’t Tell Your Daughter She’s Pretty!” I Say, Why Not?
There’s a trend in parenting to compliment our children’s abilities rather than their appearance. The lead in a recent Daily Telegraph article states, “Parents should stop telling their children they look beautiful because it places too much emphasis on appearance
Read More
Sex and Drugs “To Don’t” List For Teenagers
My kids don’t do what I say. Especially in the morning before school (TMBS). In TMBS they become spaced out love children in the Haight circa 1969. They get distracted by the way the light bends in from the skylight
Read More
The Thing That Put This Soccer Mom In Her Place
I’ve been reveling in some bragging rights about my daughter Bridget’s prowess as a soccer goalie. She made the All-Star team this year and I heard people whispering she was the best goalie in the 10-and-under age group. (I know
Read More
The Post In Which I Fail As A Mother
Me to Bridget (aged 9) when I fail as a mother: Honey, I’m sorry I lost it with daddy in front of you today. Bridget: You mean when you yelled you were sick of his fucking napping all the time
Read More