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Peri-Menopause

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5 Things Older Women Know That Young Women Don’t

I was minding my own business, tweezing my eyebrows using a high powered magnifying mirror, capable of lighting up the crevices of your aging face like floodlights used to interrogate Colombian drug kingpins during the Pablo Escobar era, when I saw it.

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How Old Is Too Old To Rock It?

There is a 50+ woman online who out-sexes me by a mile. I’m so thrilled to introduce you to Erica Jagger, a pseudonym evocative of the decadent, libidinous, licentious Glitter Rock era. Erica writes: Recently I read the Yahoo article

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10 Signs a Peri-Menopausal Woman Needs her Meds

ALERT! ALERT! ALL PERI-MENOPAUSAL WOMEN BEWARE: In case you were thinking of accidentally forgetting to renew your antidepressants, and weren’t concerned about missing a few days; think again!  10 Signs You Need Your Meds 1. You go out to sushi

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My Antidepressant Withdrawal in “Literary Quotes”

7 a.m. Without my antidepressants, I awake and think: “I am born.” — (Charles Dickens, David Copperfield) I feel fine and fresh and new. I take a brisk walk with color in my cheeks and the wind at my back.

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They Found A Lump In My Breast

It’s the moment every woman dreads. You’re lying flat on your back, your feet in stirrups and a doctor lady with cold fingers kneads your boobs like they’re dough for Challah bread. She pretends she hasn’t just looked at your

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A Man Frightened By A Menopausal Woman

Hide your brothers, sons, husbands, gardeners and Fed Ex delivery men. The Menopausal Woman is on the loose, leaving nothing but male entrails in her path … (BTW – I wrote and edited this. No one seems to realize this.

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I Didn’t Let That Little Bitch Beat Me

(Warning: This post is inspired by that foul-mouthed Delta Gamma who threatened to “C&nt Punt” her sisters if they didn’t shape up. Turn away if you’re tender about such language.) There’re only two of us in Tabata class today. 40-something

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When You’re Over 45 You Might Need To Have The “Second Talk”

It’s June 27th, 1975 My 10th birthday. Will I get a fast growing hair Barbie? I rip through the Snoopy wrapping paper to discover … Sweet Suzie’s Starter Menstruation Kit. WTH? “Go ahead, honey, open it,” says my mom, face shining beatifically

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4 Sure Signs You’re in Peri menopause

Here is how I know I’m in peri menopause: 1. I’m Smoking Hot. Not in the good way. I’ll be minding my own business hanging a corpse on a fish hook in a meat freezer in Sicily when suddenly I’m

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