12-year-old Clare looks at me as I’m getting ready to go to the gym.
Clare: Shannon, you can’t wear those shorts.
Me: I am not Shannon, I am Mom.
Clare: You are Shannon when you wear those shorts.
Me: Is it because you don’t want anyone to know you sprang from my loins?
Clare: Ack. (vomits a little into her hand)
Me: What’s wrong with these shorts?
Clare: Have you seen them?
Me: I’m looking at them now.
Clare: But can you actually see, or are you suffering from hysterical blindness because you accidentally caught your reflection in those shorts in the bathroom mirror?
Me: Are you saying they’re too short?
Clare: Yes and.
Me: Too tight?
Clare: Yes and.
Me: Too young?
Clare: Yes and.
Me: The wastelands of hideousness.
Clare: An evocative turn of phrase.
(Alright maybe she didn’t say “hysterical blindness” and “evocative turn of phrase,” but she did keep reaching over to pull my shorts down while sighing piteously.)
Clare: Mom, just don’t wear them. You must resist.
Me: Okay, yes I’m going to do that. Right after I buy these shorts in Fuschia and Jungle Khaki too, wearing them every time I volunteer at the cafeteria at your school, where I will be chain smoking from a hookha, while soliciting 8th grade boys to rub my ankles as I yell, “Where’s my daughter Clare Colleary? I have her menstrual pads and acne cream!”
So that should work. For more parenting wisdom CLICK HERE. Do you embarrass your kids? How?
14 thoughts on “My Kids Don’t Rebel Against Me, I Rebel Against Them!”
Ah I miss those times of seeing my children duck their little red faces into the front door of the school as my husband stood outside the car yelling “Pumpkin butt you have a beautiful day now” “Pumpkin butt, we love you” I once made her teacher snort coffee this way! A very proud moment in time. My motto is get them before they get you!
Rena yes! Get them before they get you! That’s my new mantra!
This cracked me up!
Lucrecer — I have to laugh or I’ll just pewl and whine the day away.
So funny! My teen daughter was embarrassed when I had to call her name out at school pickup. I was in a different car and she didn’t see me. She’s in 10th grade and she said that’s what freshman parents do!
Jennifer Cullen — Any relations to Edward? Sigh. I’m sure you never hear that.
You mean aside from merely existing?
Mostly, now, I embarrass them on Facebook…:(
Sometimes my being on Facebook must be excruciating to them. 🙂
Back in the 80’s, my Mom had a ‘stint’ (and by stint, I mean a severe mental lapse) where she wore rainbow suspenders and various colored high tops with everything. This was her “Mork from Ork” phase. I would have paid to have her wear black shorts!!!
Oh Gigi — they’re gonna have to bury me in those black shorts. I’m never taking them off now!
I wear hot pink fitness shorts to teach my group fitness classes. I was a little anxious about wearing them in public as a 50+ year old, but then my kids made fun of me, so that sealed the deal. Now I wear them a LOT. Mostly to bug my boys. It gives me great joy to see their horrified faces.
Are you kidding??? I think you look awesome!
CindyHuber Dude — I think so too! What’s that kid talking about???
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