What not to do on your daughter’s school field trip.
1. When the Earnest Docent informs all of the parents about the life-changing wonders their children will encounter in the Ballona Wetland wilds:
- The blue-throated, three-phallused heron.
- The life-spawning algae mold.
Then concludes her speech misty-eyed asking, “Do any of you have questions?” Do not raise your hand and ask, “But when do we get the peyote tabs?”
2. When the Bossy Docent yells at a child for absently pulling a pine cone off a tree, admonishing him to “leave this land exactly as you found it.” Do not whisper to your child’s teacher, “I can just imagine her in bed, ‘leave my vagina just as you found it; parched, spiny and uninhabitable.'”
Don’t do that.
3. Do not frighten a cute dad by saying, as you walk toward him, “And the cougar approaches her unsuspecting quarry.”
4. Do not be offended when he brandishes iphone photos of his wife at you, like a cross before a vampire.
5. Do not chase the three-phallused heron with your camera, inadvertently falling into the swampy bog.
6. Do not ask the Earnest Docent if she lives alone with cats when she says you’ve irrevocably altered the alkaline levels of the bog with your human skin.
7. Do not cut your tongue by licking a blade of salt grass to see if it’s really salty.
8. Do not secretly flip off the Bossy Docent behind her back when she tells you to leave the salty grass the way you found it. Unlicked.
9. Do not let your 10-year-old get away with flipping you off on the car ride home when you won’t buy her a McFlurry because, she says, she’s just following your example.
10. Do not make a u-turn and buy her (and yourself) a McFlurry, the seasonal pumpkin pie and a Big Mac when she reminds you that you were the only parent sent to the parking lot for the remainder of the field trip. Ever.