Love & Sex

How to Have Good Sex

Hint: Banish all Mice It was 10 o’clock p.m. on a Friday night. The kids were actually asleep. Theoretically, Henry and I could’ve been rocking the sheets. Instead, I was in the outdoor office trolling through Facebook. Clicking on links that

Then He Told Me He Had a Mistress

I am frequently mistaken for a priest. People confess things to me. I don’t ask them to tell me their secrets, but I must have a non-judgmental face, because in under five minutes flat the gentleman in seat 2C on

8 Signs my Husband Needs Sex

It was time. I could tell it was time because Henry — who usually traverses the house with the stealth of a Native American tracking a herd of jittery American Bison — had begun stomping around and slamming into furniture

How to Have Good Sex: 5 Benefits of Afternoon Delight

MY RACY ADVICE ABOUT HOW TO HAVE GOOD SEX! It might’ve been a week ago, but I suspect it’s longer. It’s definitely happened since Valentine’s Day. I think. Blame it on the bout of spring allergies with their attendant mucous.

10 Signs You’re Dating an Asshat, 5 Tips to Avoid Them

Asshats. We’ve all been in love with at least one. Haven’t we? If you haven’t, do me a service and lie. What defines an Asshat? (I’m going to refer to men, but Asshatism crosses all gender lines). My #AsshatCriteria: 1.

How Much Sex is Normal?

Dear Abby had her hands full with this query: Dear Abby: I have been married to a wonderful man for 30 years. Our marriage may not be perfect, but it’s quite good. My dilemma is this: My husband keeps

Why I Couldn’t Resist Him

Marriage advice from a Wife Dominatrix: Last weekend I wanted to eat my husband alive. His eyes were more cerulean than a ‘Sconset sky on a bike-ride Sunday. His pecs were glorious mounds of muscled filet mignon and just looking

How TV Sex Sets Us Up To Fail In Bed

I just discovered Scandal on Netflix. Yes. I know. I’m coming (pun intended) to the Oliva Pope/President Fitzgerald party waaaaaay late. But I’ve come to the party with a vengeance. I’ve managed to watch all 40+ episodes that have aired

4 Reasons Your Husband Doesn’t Want Sex

There’s a great article by Laurie Watson, MA in Psychology Today citing 4 reasons your husband does not want sex that have nothing to do with your desirability. Which kind of lets us off the hook ladies! It was a

What Happened after my Prom Dress Came off…

I tried to open my bedroom window and it wouldn’t budge. Someone had locked it. I glanced confusedly at Albert. This is when we both heard my father’s Clint Eastwood-esque voice from the nearby porch, “Shannon,” he said, “you’ve slit your own throat.”

A Shocking New Type of Sex!

Sex is ubiquitous online, in advertisements, on TV, in films, in our everyday lexicon and in this column. The subject that was strictly taboo mid-20th century is aggressively everywhere. Which is why I want to write today about the sexiness

Just When you Thought it was Safe to Have Sex Again, a Fabulous new STD Appears!

In the pantheon of sex diseases, there is one I hadn’t expected. I’ll give you a hint. It begins with a creature no larger than your pinky fingernail. There you are in the forest having a romantic interlude with your

I Want Him To Dominate Me In Bed!

In bed I’m soft. Demure. Enticing as Brigitte Bardot in And God Created Woman, with doe-like come-hither glances and marzipan hair. I’m as tremulous as the surface of tea in a cup, perched on a plate, balanced on a stick,

What Constitutes Drinking Too Much?

I drink wine. Every day. Usually two glasses and lately it’s red. Henry eats bread. Every day. Sometimes at 2 in the morning. And lately it’s white. I judge his bread. When I hear the paper rustle on the rustic

Are You Spectatoring During Sex??

My first lover was a USC football player with 0% body fat. He looked like this: You’d think we would have had hot sex. And every now and then we did. But a lot of the time I was, what

“The Ham Canyon”

Unbeknownst to me: I’ve been needing a strong dose of Sexually Inappropriate Shock Therapy because I’ve been in a rut. Get up. Kids to school. Huck a common-cold loogey out car window. Write about said loogey because readers want to

The Embarrassing Thing That Happened During Athletic Lovemaking

Marital Silliness The other night I stopped Henry in the midst of our mating ritual. “What are you doing?” I asked. “I’m kissing you,” he replied. “But why are you kissing me so softly?” I demanded. “I’m being gentle,” he

When Sex Is More Meaningful Than Having The “Big O”

“Henry. Henry, wake up! We have to have sex.” “No, we don’t!” “Yes, we do. Now come on.” “I can’t.” “If the musicians on The Titanic could play their violas and cellos ’til the ship went down you can wake

Long Marriage = Adventurous Sex?

I met my friend Mistress Justine for lunch on Friday. That’s not her real name, but it should be. She and her husband, Raoul (also a pseudonym) have been married 15 years. The last time we spoke, Justine admitted their

Don’t Shake Your Man Parts At Me!

Confession: Clare, Henry, Oscar the Handyman and I are sick of each other. Clare’s been home from school with the flu for a week. What this means is she gags, barfs, watches TV with glazed, gunman eyes, mainlines Gatorade like

The Death Of Sweetums

It hath come to pass that I am madeth aware, yet again, of a marital sex epiphany. Henry will, from time to ignominious time, refer to me as, and I quote, “SWEETUMS.” This is what Sweetums looks like: Sweetums bakes

The Moustache Debacle

He Had Me at his Handlebar Mustouche The other day a diminutive man who placed second in The World Beard & Moustache Championship (in accordance with the official Rules and Regulations of the Association of German Beards Clubs) in the

The Virgin Marriage

In honor of my little brother turning 40 today I’m reposting his love/life philosophies. The gift that keeps on giving. I love you, sweetheart! My brother and his bride were both virgins when they married at twenty-two and twenty-years old.

A Trader Joes Cashier Broke My Heart

Trader Joes. That bastion of affordable wasabi peas, almond milk and hemp oil. That innovator of quality ingredients for everyday low prices. That hire-er of a potpourri of gorgeous men, tricked out in Reyn Spooner Hawaiian Hula Luau shirts, who

Conversations with Henry: Why I’m Better Than My Husband

Sunday Night. Midnight. Me: Henry, can you get out of bed and set the house alarm? Him: You were the last one in bed, you set the house alarm. I’m too exhausted. Me: You’re too exhausted from napping all day?

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Love & Sex

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