The Setting: The Peninsula Hotel lounge in Beverly Hills.
Chic. Cloistered. Peopled with gorgeous women of a certain age (35+).
My dear friend Glenna and I were also women of a certain age, but we weren’t high-end call girls like these ladies.
We were stay-at-home moms out stealing a moment of martini-tippling glamour away from our families.
The Characters:
We became anthropological voyeurs, observing the gorgeous ladies sitting alone in the Peninsula bar with a drink and a Cioppino before them, wearing tasteful Jones of New York blouses, conservatively slit skirts and figure-flattering dresses, some of them wore delicate silk scarves draping their decolletage.
The Action:
Eventually men-in-suits would appear at their tables and offer to buy their drink and dinner.
Then, with little fanfare, the newly minted and soon-to-be-over couple would head toward the hotel elevators to transact their business in some well-appointed suite upstairs.
It never occurred to me that Glenna and I could be mistaken for two of these ladies — or even simply mistaken for women who were available for romance.
We did, after all, arrive at the valet in my besoiled Toyota Sienna mini-van (once a love-site for my hubby and me during a role-playing event) and our clothes were from Target with nary a polyester scarf to molest our collar bones.
Then one night at the Peninsula I noted two gentlemen eyeing Glenna and me from a neighboring table.
We’ll call them The Accountant and The Silver Fox.
As his pseudonym suggests The Silver Fox was north of 55 and one of those men who age magnificently. An athletic build, sparkling blue eyes, a real looker.
At one point, I had to run to the bathroom and told Glenna that under absolutely no circumstances was she to make eye contact with either of these gentlemen or they would certainly end up at our table.
Glenna has a big heart, unlike me, the cast-iron bitch.
When I returned, I can’t say I was surprised to see both men flanking a flustered Glenna at our table.
I scowled disapprovingly at her as she shrugged helplessly. I internally scorned her for wearing such a masterful bra.
Usually Glenna and I could be counted upon to wear “dead” bras that provided very little relief from gravity.
But Glenna was wearing an exuberantly “alive” bra and had obviously been to Miss Stevens Intimates (now defunct) on Olympic and Beverly Drive where a toothless German woman named Beatta would measure and fit you in a brassiere to within an inch of your life.
But I digress.
I approached my slatternly friend and her new companions and, having quaffed the perfect alchemy of vodka and vermouth, the first words out of my mouth were, “Gentlemen, you should know that we are both happily married women who may be in sexual stasis, but are nonetheless faithful and grateful to our husbands for marrying us despite intermittent bitchery, so if you’re looking for dates, we’re not it and your penises will be very disappointed.
If, however, you just want to have a friendly conversation that would be fine.” (I might have left out the part about the penises, but it was inferred.)
I’d put them in an awkward spot.
If they left at the moment, they would reek of man-slut. So they stayed and we four chatted pleasantly.
But at one juncture The Silver Fox — who was divorced with grown kids — asked me if I had a single sister or friend?
Not that old chestnut, I thought. But for some reason a friendly acquaintance from my mom’s group came to mind.
Patty was a single mom to her young son whose father had passed away. I mentioned Patty to The Silver Fox and he asked if he could have my phone number so we could set up a meeting between the two of them.
I was suspicious, but gave him my phone number anyway, then was distracted by something Glenna was talking about.
“Did you give me your home phone number?” asked Foxy, a moment later, a strained expression on his face.
“Yes,” I replied.
“I just called it and I think your husband answered and I hung up.”
Apparently, Foxy wanted to make sure I hadn’t given him a fake phone number and now I was going to have some ‘splaining to do when I got home.
There are many ways in which this story could end. I could’ve chewed Foxy out for still hitting on me when I was absolutely direct about my situation.
Henry could’ve chewed me out for giving a stranger our home phone number.
I could’ve become a complete idiot and run off with Foxy to Marrakesh, leaving behind all who love me while in the throes of a peri-menopausal madness spiked with Twinkies.
But none of those things happened.
The Denouement:
What did happen is Patty and Foxy went on a date. And then another date. And another. And then they moved in together. And then they got married and Foxy legally adopted Patty’s boy as his own.
The other day, as I was dashing from a movie theater to the bathroom mid-screening, I ran into Patty, Foxy and their boy coming out of an adjacent theater.
The three of them were still laughing about the film they’d just seen, palpably connected and sweet.
I felt a little Christlike in that moment and quite full of myself and my goodliness when Patty spotted me.
Her face lit up, “Thank you!” she yelled as I waved and dashed by.
“You’re welcome,” I cried, and then went into the bathroom and peed.
Life is magic, people. It’s magic. You just never know what will happen when you give a man who isn’t your husband your phone number. It may change a life.
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41 thoughts on “What Happens When You Give a Man Who Isn’t Your Husband Your Phone Number”
I love it! You “coin a phrase” so very well! <3
Thanks for all the reading and commenting Rosie, now I just have to get my own family to do it.
That’s really very sweet, after the hooker confusion is all cleared up.
I credit a good bra for everything great that’s ever happened to me. It’s like the Sisterhood of the Traveling A-Cup.
Anne you crack me up!
I love a happy ending!
Me too!
Shannon,
Your writing took me on a journey; I didn’t think it would end up where it did–and I’m so glad it did. I love this; it needs to be a screen play (or is it already)?
Estelle
Not a screenplay yet Estelle. Things went too lovely for that. xo
An awesome post about fate! Wow so cool!
Fate is funny.
I totally didn’t see that coming, but it was a perfect ending. Nicely told!
I didn’t see it coming either. I warned my friend that I’d met Foxy in a bar and couldn’t vouch for his character, but she told me she was a grown woman and could fend for herself. That must have been at least five years ago and I’ve run into the two of them on several occasions and it thrills me to see how in love they are.
Almost too good to be true, but a great read EITHER WAY!
Shelley — it’s completely true. Never thought to write about it until I saw them at the theater a few weeks ago. I’ve been known to be an inveterate matchmaker.
This would only work out so well for you. The rest of us would be left performing a variety of sexual services for our husbands in order to make up for the gaffe.
That’s my way of saying, I loved this! Hilarious!
There may have been some sexual extortion when I got home. But Henry’s used to my too-friendly personality and my inherent nosiness into other people’s love lives.
Ooooooh! I’m all teary-eyed! This is so cool!
Thanks luv.
That’s a beautiful story. Also, I’m single in case you meet another silver fox.
Great story! I felt I was right there with you. Cheers!
You sure tell a good story – and make a good matchmaker!
I should’ve asked for kickbacks!
I never thought of using the words “slatternly” and “friend” in the same phrase! Mwah ha ha. Hope not too many penises were disappointed in the making of this post
Well, Henry’s penis was a bit disappointed in me, but it couldn’t stay mad for very long.
Aww, that’s a wonderful story! And I’m thrilled that Patty and Foxy became married *wipes happy tear*
Fix me up girl! Put on your best bra and go out and find me a nice one 🙂
Damn that Miss Stevens Intimates for going out of business. All I have are “dead” bras.
I was going to have to open a can of whoop-ass if you were actually stealing George Clooney from me. Or referring him to some other woman.
But since it was just someone who looked a little like him, I’ll let it pass. This time.
Cute story. Glad it worked out so well for Patty, Foxy, & company.
Beverly I am sorry to say that George is so devastated that I’m happily married that he took a vow of eternal celibacy. The Stacey Keebler thing was just a rouse to pique my interest. It didn’t work, George. IT DIDN’T WORK!
What a great story of how awesome and funny life is! You helped make their happily ever after. So freaking cool!!
Thanks Dani!
A couple met in the Peninsula in Beverly Hills and now are happily married, and you expect us to believe this?! Now, if this would have happened in Glendale, maybe…
Actually they didn’t meet there. I met the “he” and introduced him to the “she.” But who knows, maybe their first date was at the Peninsula. It would be fitting.
May I please get your help with matchmaking? It would be greatly appreciated.
Just wondered when ‘midlife’ suddenly started at 35? Really?
Margaret – j’adore.
I really liked this.
I love this story!
Thanks Chris!
Your writing style was riveting! Very satisfying ending, too! But I always wonder, when speaking in plurals, is it Penises or Peni? 😉
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