“I want you to dominate me!” I announce to Henry.
“Wha…?” Henry’s asleep. It’s midnight on Sunday. I’ve flipped on the light switch.
He blinks at me mole-ishly from his protective, fetal position under the duvet.
“I want to be the Submissive and you be the Dominant,” I demand. “I can be the Dominant in life, but not in bed …”
“Oh, Christ! Would you please stop reading Fifty Shades of Grey in the bathroom?!”
“Because I’m like George W. Bush,” I continue, “I’m always The Decider. Do we go to the park or the zoo? Do we cook steak or fish? Do we boycott Valentine’s Day or leave our kids with vagrants and go to Joshua Tree to eat peyote and howl at the moon? It’s too much deciding. I don’t want to decide in bed.”
“It’s happened. The Ambien has finally unhinged you.”
“I’m serious.”
“That shit’ll cause early onset dementia.”
“Would you rather I never sleep again and just wander through the house like an apocalyptic zombie muttering, ‘They’re coming to get you Bar-bar-a’ over and over?”
Henry considers this. Then …
“But I tried to dominate you last Wednesday night and you said you weren’t in the mood to be dominated because you wanted to finish watching Smash!”
“But you should’ve ignored that and dominate me anyway! That’s what Dominants do! This is the problem in our relationship. You should do what you want whether I want you to or not. That’s what turns me on!”
“But you’re physically stronger than me.”
“Maybe you should get that testosterone patch,” I suggest.
“How about this, you tell me when you want me to dominate you and I’ll pretend you didn’t tell me and I’ll sneak up behind you, knock you over the head and carry you off to bed.”
“You can’t carry me anymore. I weigh too much.”
“I’ll drag you.”
“Just not on Mondays because that’s the beginning of the week. And Tuesday’s no good because Wednesday mornings I volunteer at school. And Wednesdays are tough because it’s mid-week. Thursdays are book club. Fridays the kids usually have sleepovers here. Saturday I’m recovering from Friday …”
“Sunday?”
“Sunday’s the Lord’s day.”
“We’re agnostic. We don’t even necessarily believe in God.”
“But what if God does exist and doesn’t want you to tie me to the bed and dominate me while wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask? Better to play it safe. No Sundays.”
“Hmm, that leaves … never.”
“Let me just check my schedule.”
I thumb through my iphone calendar, what’s a good day to be submissive … what’s a good day.
I’m so distracted I don’t notice Henry roll out of bed and cross the room toward me.
When I look up he smolders me the way Christian Grey smolders Anastasia Steele. He lustfully rakes his hand through the meager hairs on his balding pate and pulls me to him. Oh my, whoah.
“Is it okay if I dominate you now?”
“I want you to dominate me now, but I don’t want you to ask for permission.”
“I’m not asking for permission. I am dominating you now.”
He attempts to lift me in his steel-hewn arms, with his arthritic fingers. He’s so hot! Whoa!
He carries my left leg, while I hop on my right foot, to the bed and pushes me on it with enough force to leave me breathless. But with a slight pinch in my neck.
As he leans manfully over me I say, “Please be gentle, but not too gentle. Forceful enough to frighten me, but not so forceful that I have to shower and brush my teeth again.”
“I’m going to take you now, on top of this bed, in the missionary position, quietly so we don’t wake the kids.”
“You’ve got 15 minutes.”
“I’m taking 20.”
Wow! Fade To Black.
Our 11th anniversary is Sunday May 27th. Henry once told me a marriage is only as strong as its weakest link. I’m the weakest link. Which means we have a pretty good shot. Fingers crossed.
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27 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Wife Dominatrix”
I feel the need to cleanse my eyeballs.
I apologize.
HAHAHAHAHA! That was awesome!I was laughing so loud my husband came over and read it out loud as a performance piece.
Oh I wish I could’ve seen that performance! Unfortunately Henry’s caning me at the moment.
That was highly entertaining and way too familiar…
Oh to be flies on the wall of each others’ bedrooms. Wait, that’s kinda creepy.
Loved it. You always get me laughing in the morning
Even my husband laughed. He’s a good sport. That Fifty Shades has definitely spiced things up a bit.
Laughing hysterically, this could be on SNL! Hubbys around town should be thanking and praising EL James. I know we’re on that band-wagon.
Oh my wow! That is hilarious…I think I have to show the hubby this. Yeah…I think the hubby and I have had convos like that…although maybe more covert
I married a tolerant man xo
Too funny…perhaps I shouldn’t mention this book to my husband, don’t want to give him any ideas…!
I’m fairly sure that’s what they call topping from below. You saucy minx, you!
OOh, saucy minx, mayhaps that should be my new tag line??
you and your husband are so funny. reminds me of my relationship. I cannot WAIT to start reading this book!
http://2bestfriendschubbyroadtoskinny.blogspot.com/
It will change your mind about being spanked.
I just love it! Must order 50 Shades of Grey. I completely get it. Feel the need to be dominated but can’t quite give up the urge to control. everything.
I tore through that book but honestly I found it pretty tame reading. And I could never figure out whether the author didn’t realize that she wrote “Down there” a hundred times or if that was just Anastasia being uncomfortable with her genitals. 🙂
Perhaps she’s from Australia? Oh. No. That’s Down Under.
I’m seriously in tears form laughing at your “Fifty” rendition…I’m on the last book and have loved the read. 🙂
I broke down and bought the last book at Ralphs for 20 freaking dollars yesterday!
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Love, Love, Love it! Sounds like a beautiful marriage!
Thanks you. I know you get this all the time, but are you My Sharona? You don’t look old enough to be My Sharona. A mystery unfolds.
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