“The literary equivalent of a summer night, a good friend and a gin-and-tonic: Shannon is a deft writer; a natural storyteller with a wicked turn of phrase and frighteningly specific memory...”

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Pregnancy

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This Post is Funny, But Bullies Aren’t: Take The Pledge to Stop Bullying

My experience with badass bullies – both as a mom (when my kids were little) and as a kid: There’s a red-headed twenty-seven month-old Love Bully named Scarlet in Clare’s Toddler-and-Me class. Just our luck, she has it in for

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Kirkus Review Names My Book, Into The Child, One of Top 100 Indies of 2012

Hello my dearest readers. Thank you so much for reading! I just found out my book, Into The Child: 40 Weeks in the Gestational Wilderness, was named one of the best 100 Indie books of 2012 by the Kirkus Review!

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Jealous of that Bastard Daddy! (Gestation: 22 Weeks)

My eighteen month-old toddler Clare loves her daddy more than me. There it is. In black-and-white for all to see. A public indictment of my mothering skills. C : “What’s she doing here?” H:  “Just ignore her and maybe she’ll go away.”

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The Christ Child is Born

The Los Angeles Lakers showed up for the cesarean with my first child Clare. Okay. Not literally.  My doctors – whom we’ll call Kobe and Shaq – kept discussing the three-point spread on the game between the Lakers and the Hawkes

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The Day Before My Baby’s Birth (Gestation: 38 Weeks, 2 Days)

The day before my baby’s birth I’ve officially broken the forty pound weight barrier, coming in on the scale today at a whopping 171 1/2 pounds. I keep hearing the theme music from my favorite ’70s television show The Bionic Woman,

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Three For The Road (Gestation: 35 Weeks, 6 Days)

The last few days it feels like Henry, Clare and I are doing everything as a threesome for the last time. It’s just been we three for the road.   It reminds me of falling in love with Jean Marc

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In Brazil a Cesarean is Scheduled Like a Mani/Pedi (Gestation: 34 Weeks, 3 Days)

My friend Mary Rose had her second child, Maya, completely naturally. No drugs. What she didhave was a wiccan-ish circle of women, her mother and sisters, who began spontaneously moaning and grunting along with Mary Rose as she labored while

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The Ape Baby (Gestation: 33 Weeks, 5 Days)

In the last ultrasound our baby’s profile looked like a small ape baby face AND our house has been destroyed. Both things I blame on Henry; he has opposable thumbs and he had the house retrofitted. Henry’d noticed the floors

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Why The Dental Suicide Rate is so High (Gestation: 32 Weeks, 2 Days)

I’m in the stage of pregnancy where I resemble a post-op frontal lobotomite. I spelled “of” “uv” the other day. I knew it looked wrong, but couldn’t figure out why.   I tried to introduce my mother to our pizza

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Firing the Babysitter (Gestation: 31 weeks, 3 days, batshit)

Henry’s mad at me for being mad at him regarding what time he comes home from work, which is the admittedly reasonable hour of six-thirty, but is too late to have a family dinner which is the foundation for successfully

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How Dare My Babysitter Have a Life! (Gestation: 31 weeks, 4 days)

My world is spinning off its axis. My babysitter is leaving me.(Did I mention I’m a work-at-home-writer mom, which means I can wear pajamas all day?). Does my babysitter really think moving to Arizona to get her Master’s Degree in

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Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby (Gestation: 31 weeks)

As I swallowed a third Tums to quell the pillaging heartburn that comes of eating chicken milanesa when you’re nearly eight months pregnant, I dreamt of not being a mommy for one whole week. I want just one measly week

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Monster Baby (Gestation: 30 Weeks, 4 Days)

I’m worried I won’t love the new baby as much as I love my firstborn, Clare. I had a dream last night, set to the The Doors’This is the End, that I was strapped on top of an operating table

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Santa Barbara Nightmare!! (Gestation: 29 Weeks, 5 Days)

Time:  Noon Place:  Santa Barbara Biltmore Activity:  Solo weekend away Mental Condition:  Foot loose and fancy free I’m sitting in the outdoor lounge of the Spanish hacienda-style Biltmore where I got married forty pregnant pounds ago, looking out at the shining, becalmed

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Bully For Me (Gestation: 29 Weeks)

There’s a red-headed twenty-seven month-old Love Bully named Scarlet in Clare’s Toddler-and-Me class. Just our luck, she has it in for Clare. My daughter and I try to enter the classroom discreetly, keeping to the edges of the room, dressing

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Of God and Phlegm (Gestation: 28 Weeks)

I’m lying in bed useless to the child I have, trying to get over a horrible cold so I won’t have to take any more over-the-counter drugs that might give the child-growing-in-my-belly three breasts (like Anne Boleyn – and just

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Pregnant and Proud (Gestation: 27 Weeks, 4 Days)

In film school I made an eight millimeter film on female body image for my non-narrative film class. I decided it was important to demonstrate that women of all sizes were beautiful. So I begged my actress friend Beatrice, a

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All About My Mother (Gestation: 27 Weeks)

Here’s my sob story accompanied by violin in A minor: My parents divorced when I was two. Both remarried. My dad once and forever. My mom (She Who Shall Be Named Culpable) three more times. There was The Cop, The Fireman

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Persistent Auld Lang Syne (Gestation: 24 Weeks, 5 Days)

New Year’s Resolutions: 1. To stop hating myself, loving myself, hating myself, loving myself. 2. To stop being jealous of Gwyneth Paltrow that skinny, Glee-singing, Oscar-winning, blog-writing, Castilian-speaking, perfect child-breeding, rockstar-marrying, over-achieving Bee-diddly-atch. 3. To accept my cellulite. To fight

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Flu Pandemic Panic (Gestation: 24 Weeks, 1 Day)

It’s the Night of the Living Dead up in here.  Henry and I went to bed at eight-thirty – it’s now midnight. I’ve been up to pee five times and to eat a tangerine and now to post. Henry’s been

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Pregnancy Christmas List (Gestation: 23 Weeks)

All I want for Christmas is: 1. To keep the pregnancy boobs. 2. Nipple tassels for the pregnancy boobs that I can helicopter at will. 3. Fishnet support hose. 4. A non-pooping pet. One that comes standard with an intra-defecatory

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A Very Pregnant Christmas (Gestation: 22 Weeks, 4 Days)

Ahh, the Christmas season is upon us yet again.  Stress on earth, general resentment toward men.  I’m related to Ebenezer Scrooge.  Paternal fifth-cousin once removed. Last Year’s Resentment Litany: 1. Having to find the perfect gift for twenty plus people.

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Alcohol Cravings (Gestation: 21 Weeks, 4 Days)

We enter a Mexican restaurant for our first dinner out together since the twelfth of never.  It smells of tomatillos and pinto beans con queso, deep-fried corn tortilla chips and freshly blended Jose Cuervo 1600 margaritas with salted rims.  The

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Sibling Rivalry: What do you mean there’s a new baby coming? (Gestation: 21 weeks)

Whaddaya mean you’re giving me a sibling? Today I lifted my shirt to show 18-month old Clare my belly. “There’s a baby sister in here for you,” I said. She finger-tipped a wooden “F” block and hurled it at my

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10 Reasons You’re a Bitch to Your Husband During Pregnancy (Gestation: 20 Weeks 5 Days)

1.  You’re a bitch to your husband during pregnancy because he flattens himself against the wall like a minnow avoiding a migrating sperm whale when you pass. 2.  He thinks natural childbirth sounds “interesting.” 3.  He brings you a “slice”

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