Gestation: 20 Weeks 5 Days
1. You’re a bitch to your husband during pregnancy because he flattens himself against the wall like a minnow avoiding a migrating sperm whale when you pass.
2. He thinks natural childbirth sounds “interesting.”
3. He brings you a “slice” of chocolate silk pie from the Apple Pan, not the whole pie. What’s that about?
4. He buys an exer-cycle and starts using it while you watch from the couch eating an entire family size garlic pizza.
5. His female assistant loses ten pounds on Slimfast.
6. He ducks like a prairie dog at a shooting range when you walk in the room.
7. He’s gotten better looking. And smarter. And what’s with all that exer-cycling?
8. He accidentally sees you naked, bent over, in bad lighting.
9. He asks if he should donate your size 4/6s along with his 80s Michael-Jackson-circa “Bad” pleather motorcycle jacket.
10. Through your tears he insists you were too thin at those sizes, that you’d only be that size again if you get lymphoma. You kiss him gratefully, then realize you shouldn’t inflict bitchery on such a good guy. Which kind of pisses you off.