Go The F#%k Back To School!
They’re still here. In their bedrooms. In their pajamas. Beds unmade. Toys strewn. They’re bored. They’re addicted to technology. Their eyes glaze over, their jaws slacken,
Category: Parenting
Of Trampolines and Yesterday
I took a bunch of kids trampolining today. I took this kid: And this kid: And my friend Diane and her Maisie and
The Kayak Trip to Hell and Starbucks
Why do OLDER PARENTS think they can do a lot of stuff? Meaning me and Henry. Because we decided to take the girls down
Kids On Vacation
A Colleary Christmas – 2009 Cast of Characters: S – Shannon (44): Fairly well-preserved wife/mother/writer/controversial AYSO soccer referee and pseudo intellectual. Prone to occasional bouts
I Might Be A Murderer
Not All Cowpokes Are Created Equal! “I might be a murderer, a pedophile, a miscreant! How do you know your bones ain’t gonna be
I am Hubbell
Do you remember that scene in The Way We Were? It’s the one where Barbra Streisand calls Hubbell because they’re broken up and even though
Screwed by the Spring Sing
When I come in from work today I find Bridget flung across her bed scribbling furiously on a yellow legal pad. She’s using a
My Kids Have Stealth Super Powers
It’s 3 p.m. I’ve picked Clare (7) and Bridget (5) up from school. Here’s what it sounds like when we get out of the car:
Spring Fever For the Over-Achiever
These Ukranian Easter eggs are overkill. Who’re they trying to impress? Are we supposed to live up to this fucacta? This will be brief. Because
The American Girl Doll Birthday Party Rip-Off
What is more wholesome than an American Girl Doll? There’s Josefina Montoya who tries to preserve what is precious after her mother passes away on
Other People’s Kids Suck!
I’m not usually a judgmental person, but I have to say … other people’s kids suck. So many of other people’s kids are too hyper,
Kids Who Hate Change
Henry and I had the execrable audacity to repaint our 8-year old daughter’s bedroom against her will. Two more heinous crushers-of-the-soul have never existed.
Mommy Flirting
I flirt with moms more than men these days. And not because I’m a lesbian, though that might’ve saved me some heartache
The Christ Child is Born
The Los Angeles Lakers showed up for the cesarean with my first child, Clare. Okay. Not literally. My doctors – whom we’ll call Kobe and
The Day Before My Baby’s Birth
Gestation: 38 Weeks, 2 Days The day before my baby’s birth I’ve officially broken the forty-pound weight barrier, coming in on the scale
Three For The Road
Gestation: 35 Weeks, 6 Days The last few days it feels like Henry, Clare and I are doing everything as a threesome for the last
In Brazil, a Cesarean is Scheduled Like a Mani/Pedi
Gestation: 34 Weeks, 3 Days My friend, Mary Rose, had her second child, Maya, completely naturally. No drugs. What she did have was
The Ape Baby
Gestation: 33 Weeks, 5 Days In the last ultrasound our baby’s profile looked like a small ape baby face AND our house has been
Firing the Babysitter
Gestation: 31 weeks, 3 days Henry’s mad at me for being mad at him regarding what time he comes home from work, which is
How Dare My Babysitter Have a Life!
Gestation: 31 weeks, 4 days My world is spinning off its axis. My babysitter is leaving me. (Did I mention I’m a work-at-home-writer
Fantasies – Good or a Slippery Slope?
Gestation: 31 weeks As I swallowed a third Tums to quell the pillaging heartburn that comes of eating chicken milanesa when you’re nearly
Monster Baby
Gestation: 30 Weeks, 4 Days I’m worried I won’t love the new baby as much as I love my firstborn, Clare. I had
Santa Barbara Nightmare!!
Gestation: 29 Weeks, 5 Days Time: Noon Place: Santa Barbara Biltmore Activity: Solo weekend away Mental Condition: Foot loose and fancy free I’m sitting in
Bully For Me
Gestation: 29 Weeks There’s a red-headed twenty-seven month-old Love Bully named Scarlet in Clare’s Toddler-and-Me class. Just our luck, she has it in for
Of God and Phlegm
Gestation: 28 Weeks I’m lying in bed useless to the child I have, trying to get over a horrible cold so I won’t have
