My Kids Have Stealth Super Powers
It’s 3 p.m. I’ve picked Clare (7) and Bridget (5) up from school. Here’s what it sounds like when we get out of the car:
Category: Parenting
Spring Fever For the Over-Achiever
These Ukranian Easter eggs are overkill. Who’re they trying to impress? Are we supposed to live up to this fucacta? This will be brief. Because
The American Girl Doll Birthday Party Rip-Off
What is more wholesome than an American Girl Doll? There’s Josefina Montoya who tries to preserve what is precious after her mother passes away on
Other People’s Kids Suck!
I’m not usually a judgmental person, but I have to say … other people’s kids suck. So many of other people’s kids are too hyper,
Kids Who Hate Change
Henry and I had the execrable audacity to repaint our 8-year old daughter’s bedroom against her will. Two more heinous crushers-of-the-soul have never existed.
Mommy Flirting
I flirt with moms more than men these days. And not because I’m a lesbian, though that might’ve saved me some heartache
The Christ Child is Born
The Los Angeles Lakers showed up for the cesarean with my first child, Clare. Okay. Not literally. My doctors – whom we’ll call Kobe and
The Day Before My Baby’s Birth
Gestation: 38 Weeks, 2 Days The day before my baby’s birth I’ve officially broken the forty-pound weight barrier, coming in on the scale
Three For The Road
Gestation: 35 Weeks, 6 Days The last few days it feels like Henry, Clare and I are doing everything as a threesome for the last
In Brazil, a Cesarean is Scheduled Like a Mani/Pedi
Gestation: 34 Weeks, 3 Days My friend, Mary Rose, had her second child, Maya, completely naturally. No drugs. What she did have was
The Ape Baby
Gestation: 33 Weeks, 5 Days In the last ultrasound our baby’s profile looked like a small ape baby face AND our house has been
Firing the Babysitter
Gestation: 31 weeks, 3 days Henry’s mad at me for being mad at him regarding what time he comes home from work, which is
How Dare My Babysitter Have a Life!
Gestation: 31 weeks, 4 days My world is spinning off its axis. My babysitter is leaving me. (Did I mention I’m a work-at-home-writer
Fantasies – Good or a Slippery Slope?
Gestation: 31 weeks As I swallowed a third Tums to quell the pillaging heartburn that comes of eating chicken milanesa when you’re nearly
Monster Baby
Gestation: 30 Weeks, 4 Days I’m worried I won’t love the new baby as much as I love my firstborn, Clare. I had
Santa Barbara Nightmare!!
Gestation: 29 Weeks, 5 Days Time: Noon Place: Santa Barbara Biltmore Activity: Solo weekend away Mental Condition: Foot loose and fancy free I’m sitting in
Bully For Me
Gestation: 29 Weeks There’s a red-headed twenty-seven month-old Love Bully named Scarlet in Clare’s Toddler-and-Me class. Just our luck, she has it in for
Of God and Phlegm
Gestation: 28 Weeks I’m lying in bed useless to the child I have, trying to get over a horrible cold so I won’t have
Pregnant and Proud
Gestation: 27 Weeks, 4 Days In film school I made an eight millimeter film on female body image for my non-narrative film class. I
Flu Pandemic Panic
Gestation: 24 Weeks, 1 Day It’s the Night of the Living Dead up in here. Henry and I went to bed at eight-thirty. It’s now midnight.
Pregnancy Christmas List
Gestation: 23 Weeks All I want for Christmas is: 1. To keep the pregnancy boobs. 2. Nipple tassels for the pregnancy boobs that I can
A Very Pregnant Christmas
Gestation: 22 Weeks, 4 Days Ahh, the Christmas season is upon us yet again. Stress on earth, general resentment toward men. I’m related to Ebenezer
Sibling Rivalry: There’s a New Baby Coming?
Gestation: 21 weeks Today I lifted my shirt to show 18-month old Clare my belly. “There’s a baby sister in here for you,” I
10 Reasons You’re a Bitch to Your Husband During Pregnancy
Gestation: 20 Weeks 5 Days 1. You’re a bitch to your husband during pregnancy because he flattens himself against the wall like a minnow avoiding
Panicking During My Amniocentesis
Gestation: 19 Weeks, 6 Days I panicked during my amniocentesis today, which reminded me of a fat, gray seal I startled once while scuba
