Category: Parenting

Sometimes You Just Gotta Go Sailing

The day after Thanksgiving I tried to get my daughters and my mother to help clean up. They said that they would, but it

What Happens When Harry Potter Is Just Too Scary!

I always forget that if my kids watch a scary movie this is where they end up! Thanks a lot Harry Potter!

Doesn’t She Know She Could Be In A Body Cast?

I lay in beside with my 9-year old Clare at bedtime. Something serious is troubling her. We’ve had several in-depth discussions about it already, but

I Hate Halloween!

9:11 p.m. Halloween Night … Sugar. No more sugar. Or corn syrup. Or malto-yickitomasmazoo. I am tired of costumes that are scratchy and too tight

How To Get Organized

Last night I had to kick some ass. There was mutiny afoot in our art supply cupboard. The f***ing pencils were A.W.O.L. and when they

Why TV is Good For Kids

I Love Lucy saved my life when I was a kid. My parents divorced when I was two. Today I wouldn’t have it any other

Will My Daughters Ever Love Each Other? (Sibling Rivalry)

All Hell Breaks Loose Clare and I were rolling around with our fat cat Marilyn Monroe on the bed I’ve been inhabiting with the flu

Do You Really Know Your Kids? Because I’m Clueless.

Just when you try to pigeonhole your kids, they change. This is Bridget (7): If tortured on a bed of red-hot nails I might encapsulate

How to Respond When a Child Prefers One Parent (And It’s Not You!)

My eighteen month-old toddler Clare prefers her daddy more than me. There it is. In black-and-white for all to see. A public indictment of my

Go The F#%k Back To School!

Here are the cretinous techno-monsters! They’re still here. In their bedrooms. In their pajamas. Beds unmade. Toys strewn. They’re bored. They’re addicted to technology. Their eyes glaze over, their

Of Trampolines and Yesterday

I took a bunch of kids trampolining today. I took this kid: (My oldest and her daddy long legs.) And this kid: (My youngest

The Kayak Trip to Hell and Starbucks

Why do OLD PARENTS think they can do a lot of stuff? Meaning me and Henry. Because we decided to take the girls down to

A Colleary Christmas – 2009 Cast of Characters: S – Shannon (44): Fairly well-preserved wife/mother/writer/controversial AYSO soccer referee and pseudo intellectual. Prone to occasional bouts of grandiosity.

I Might Be A Murderer

Not All Cowpokes Are Created Equal! “I might be a murderer, a pedophile, a miscreant! How do you know your bones ain’t gonna be picked

I am Hubbell

Great Scott that man was gorgeous! Do you remember that scene in The Way We Were? It’s the one where Barbra Streisand calls Hubbell because

Screwed by the Spring Sing

When I come in from work today I find Bridget flung across her bed scribbling furiously on a yellow legal pad. She’s using a thick,

My Kids Have Stealth Super Powers

The kids chose our costumes Halloween ’09. Should’ve tipped me off to their true identities! It’s 3 p.m. I’ve picked Clare (8) and Bridget (7) up

Spring Fever For the Over-Achiever

These Ukranian Easter eggs are overkill. Who’re they trying to impress? Are we supposed to live up to this fucacta? This will be brief. Because

The American Girl Doll Birthday Party Rip-Off

This doll bed cost more than my cesarean What is more wholesome than an American Girl Doll? There’s Josefina Montoya who tries to preserve what

Other People’s Kids Suck!

Other people’s kids suck! Because they’re hyper, foretelling a career jacking cop cars to sell for parts in Oaxaca while high on crank. Our kids

Kids Who Hate Change

Henry and I had the execrable audacity to repaint our 8-year old daughter’s bedroom against her will. Two more heinous crushers-of-the-soul have never existed. Upon