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Parenting

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This Post is Funny, But Bullies Aren’t: Take The Pledge to Stop Bullying

My Experience with Bullies – as a Mom and a Kid There’s a red-headed twenty-seven month-old Love Bully named Scarlet in Clare’s Toddler-and-Me class. Just our luck, she has it in for Clare.   My daughter and I try to

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Castrating an Unwitting Softball Commissioner

A child, who shall remain nameless — (So if you think you know which child she is, you don’t!) came home tonight from her first softball practice of the season having discovered that none of her former teammates are on

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Talking to Kids About Sex

When I was a kid my parents didn’t talk to me about sex. At eight, when I asked my mom what a condom was, she told me it was a “water balloon you throw off the roof at people.” Her

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You Read, Therefore I Am

I’m back! Wait .. whaddaya mean you didn’t know I was gone? Didn’t your world feel a little bit empty? Wasn’t it harder to laugh, cry, flagellate yourself for eating that renegade bear claw that leaped out at you from

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Gone Fishing Over The Holidays (Christmas Photos)

Hello, dear fellow humans. I have not felt like updating and writing. I’ve felt like eating Christmas cake cookies and drinking egg nog spiked with Thunderbird. Which means I’m fat and happy. (Maybe a little too happy). So I’m going

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The Happiness Photos

I’m happy today. What the hell am I going to blog about? Oh, Happiness how you foil my creativity! How soft and sloppy you make me! How ineffably boring. Here are my happiness photos: But don’t worry, I’m certain my

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How to Beat Santa Extortion Def-Con 5!

Henry and I spend too much money all year round. He’s a groceries hoarder. If you came to our house and opened our refrigerator, you would find enough butter and milk to re-supply all the bovines in Texas. He’s also

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My Kids Attacked Me!

I fancy myself a bit of an athlete. There was that time I beat my dad in a 10K even though I walked part of it. (Dad, you could throw a baseball 100 mph through the eye of a needle,

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When Is It TMI For Kids?

Bridget came home the other day and said, “Mommy I love third grade.” What luck! Thought I. She must love her teacher, unlike me as a student in cross-eyed Miss Henzi’s class. She yelled constantly, but you could never be

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Being A Child Of Divorce Makes Me Think I Get Gays

I’ve been watching Ryan Murphy’s (Glee) new NBC sitcom The New Normal about a committed gay couple having a baby with a quirky, kind surrogate mother who lives with them.   Last night the men kissed passionately after one proposed marriage

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5 Things Not To Do In Front Of Your Daughters

Clare is 10, Bridget is 8. They still climb in bed with us in the morning. They still want to snuggle in front of the TV. They forever and endlessly want me to scratch their unrelenting backs. Sometimes they declare

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Does It Really Matter Whose Kid Is Smarter?

My kids are smart. They have a genetic pre-disposition. I was smart. Their dad was smart. We had high GPAs. We had high SATs. We graduated college with suma-cum-somethings. We were a parent’s dream. Until Henry graduated, pursued a screenwriting

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Why I Stopped Trying To Make My Daughter Be Pretty

My 10-year-old daughter Clare only likes to wear clothes from the boy’s section. Preferably a boxy, shapeless t-shirt with pictures of Spiderman or any other superhero on them. She always wears two braids. Always. Even to bed. Her hair is

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The Puberty Video’s at the End of the Year

Puberty is coming to my house.   I have a fifth grader and the puberty video’s at the end of the year. But already things are happening.   I’m going to have to go to the training bra section of

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There will be no child actors here!

A star has been born in our family. Yes, yes, I know Bridget is my child, therefore I’m partial. But this is not a subjective opinion, there is scientific proof that she is a star. There is the measurable charismatic

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I Both Want, And Don’t Want To Be A Working Mom

I need to get a job because we need the cash flow.   My girls are 8 and 10 and I’ve had freelance writing jobs throughout their lives, but nothing that dominated my schedule in any meaningful way.   I

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I’ve Met The Perfect 10

I met my perfect 10 on June 3rd, 2002 at approximately 3:33 p.m.  My perfect 10 has long legs, cornflower blue eyes, thick, golden hair and a ribald laugh. We’re in the honeymoon phase where 10 wants to hold me

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What’s Tearing My Relationship With My Daughters Apart

It’s 2:45 on Friday.  I arrive at their elementary school to pick my daughters up from 4th and 2nd grade. They approach, sluggishly, pinched faces, sullen expressions.I’m suddenly on alert. Def-Con 5. ME: (smiling like you would at crazed gunmen

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I’m A Benign Racist, But I Don’t Want My Kids To Be

We’re going to send our daughters to the public middle school. Don’t hold me to it. In a fit of helicoptering white-flight panic we might drive 5 miles away to the Pacific Palisades and send them to that middle school

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Jamie Lynne Grumet. Time Magazine’s Lightening Rod

Many mommies’ panties are in a twist over the provocative Time Magazine breastfeeding cover featuring extended breast feeder, Jamie Lynne Grumet.   Except for Kristen Howerton of Rage Against the Minivan. She addresses the controversy in her blog post, Where is

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In Defense of my Friend Jamie Lynne Grumet: Time’s breastfeeding cover girl

The Controversy Surrounding Extended Breast Feeding Several years ago, during an interview with a homeopathic doctor for an ailment of mine, she mentioned she still breastfed her 5-year old son.   I backed out of her office as if she

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How to Throw a Greek Mythology Party For Kids!

First of all, don’t do it. Are you insane?  But, if you must the very first thing you should do is to make the Grown-Up Nectar of the Gods, which consists of Gin, Tonic, Limeade. Mostly Gin. Drink copiously. Ice

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A Mom Bully Kicked My Butt!

Women scare the ever-loving crap out of me. I’d rather go five rounds in the cage with UFC fighter Allistair Overeem than be subjected to one cup of coffee with a passive-aggressive mom who doesn’t like the food I gave

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Things to do at The Grand Canyon (Lose Your Shizz)

I lost my marbles on the train platform at The Grand Canyon Saturday. Actually, a more astute phrase might be, “I went batshit crazy” aka “I channeled Mega Bitch” (who beds down with Mega Death, but that’s another story). I

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Over The Edge, Death In Grand Canyon!

Over The Edge, Death In Grand Canyon is the title of the book I’m reading since Henry, the kids and I set off for the Grand Canyon via train this morning. Maybe if we take the mule ride tour we’ll

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