Tag "bad parenting"

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My Kids Don’t Rebel Against Me, I Rebel Against Them!

12-year-old Clare looks at me as I’m getting ready to go to the gym. Clare: Shannon, you can’t wear those shorts. Me: I am not Shannon, I am Mom. Clare: You are Shannon when you wear those shorts. Me: Is

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If Corrupting My Child Is Wrong, I Don’t Wanna Be Right

We’re the parents who allowed our 12-year old daughter to watch two R-rated movies. Is it my imagination, or have our phones stopped ringing for play dates? Because we’re the libertines leading our child down the inglorious path of foul-mouthed,

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What Happened When I Forced my Daughter into the Ocean

Bad Parenting 101 The day was perfect for boogie boarding at the beach. The tubes were hollow; the pits weren’t dropping, there weren’t any bombs to pound you and you could even catch air on some radical ramps, Bro. But

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5 Summer Camp Activities My Kids Hated

I did something that totally pissed my kids off. I sent them to summer sports camp so I could work and try to make money to pay for their braces and college. That’s right, I’m an asshole. After camp, when

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My Daughters They Would Never Speak to me Again (Funny)

Okay. This is funny even if you’re having period cramps. Don’t want to publish any spoilers, so all I can really write about this is: #flocomestotown #theredbadgeofcourage #surfingthecrimsonwave #thecurse #therearecommunistsinthefunhouse #reddotspecial First Menstruation. Enjoy!

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Daughters are from Venus, Daddies are from Mars

 The Father Daughter Relationship Daddies value quiet, calm, cool-headedness, solutions to problems and a frothy lager. Daughters value love, acceptance, patience and a safe place to dump their volcanic, spuming, flesh-incinerating emotions. If an unsuspecting Daddy doesn’t understand how a

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7 Surprising Things My Mom Did!

Mother Daughter Relationships: I was raised in the 70s; era of the skyrocketing divorce rate (key parties?) and the afternoon martini cart (reference any Bewitched episodes; Samantha and both Darrens kept the Grey Goose flowing). Whether it was the 70s,

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The Exquisite Maternal Martyr

Let Them Eat Cake! “Alright fine, let’s just go! No one wants to be here anyway, so let’s just go home and all get on our electronic devices in separate rooms so we don’t actually have to interact ever again!”

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I’m a Tween’s Worst Nightmare

Bridget just turned 10. Claire has 12 in her sniper sights. I’ve had a few epic fails recently, which I won’t detail in order to protect tween privacy. But one of my less epic fails was attempting to kiss Bridget

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10 Ways Having Kids Changed My Life

When the nurse placed my first swaddled newborn on my chest right after I gave birth, I believe the first words out of my mouth to my husband were, “I am so f#@ked.” And I still feel that way. Because

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Experts Say, “Don’t Tell Your Daughter She’s Pretty!”

There’s a trend in parenting to compliment our children’s abilities rather than their appearance. The lead in a recent Daily Telegraph article states: “Parents should stop telling their children they look beautiful because it places too much emphasis on appearance

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Sex and Drugs “To Don’t” List For Teenagers

My kids don’t do what I say. Especially in the morning before school (TMBS). In TMBS they become spaced-out love children in the Haight circa 1969. They get distracted by the way the light bends in from the skylight in

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The Thing That Put This Soccer Mom In Her Place

I’ve been reveling in some bragging rights about my daughter Bridget’s prowess as a soccer goalie. She made the All-Star team this year and I heard people whispering she was the best goalie in the 10-and-under age group. (I know

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The Post In Which I Fail As A Mother

Me to Bridget (aged 9) when I fail as a mother: Honey, I’m sorry I lost it with daddy in front of you today. Bridget: You mean when you yelled you were sick of his fucking napping all the time

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In Defense of a Commercial Christmas

We Collearys are not a religious people. Henry’s a recovering Catholic. I was raised Mormon and love them dearly, but simply could not commit to “One True Church” or give up wine. (The Mormon age for baptism is 8, but

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What Happened When I Said “No” To My Daughter

My daughters’ snuggles are my form of crack. On a biochemical level, my body sinks into a deeper calm when I hold them. And it doesn’t seem to matter that they’re at that no-man’s land between toddlerdom and teendom, where

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The Drugs Talk With My 11-Year old

Middle school started on Tuesday. Would there be gang bangers? Mean girls? Nurse Ratched-style teachers? One-eyed drug dealers? Should I stop watching CNN? My daughter loves her new school, her teachers and the excitement of the next phase of her

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My Kid Needs A Therapist

I have a child who is anxious about a big transition coming up. We’re moving to Nebraska where we’ll be installed in the Witness Protection Program as Amish farmers, in order to avoid swimming with the fishes for a mafia

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Castrating an Unwitting Softball Commissioner

A child, who shall remain nameless — (So if you think you know which child she is, you don’t!) came home tonight from her first softball practice of the season having discovered that none of her former teammates are on

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Talking to Kids About Sex

When I was a kid my parents didn’t talk to me about sex. At eight, when I asked my mom what a condom was, she told me it was a “water balloon you throw off the roof at people.” Her

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When Is It TMI For Kids?

Bridget came home the other day and said, “Mommy I love third grade.” What luck! Thought I. She must love her teacher, unlike me as a student in cross-eyed Miss Henzi’s class. She yelled constantly, but you could never be

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5 Things Not To Do In Front Of Your Daughters

Clare is 10, Bridget is 8. They still climb in bed with us in the morning. They still want to snuggle in front of the TV. They forever and endlessly want me to scratch their unrelenting backs. Sometimes they declare

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Does It Really Matter Whose Kid Is Smarter?

My kids are smart. They have a genetic pre-disposition. I was smart. Their dad was smart. We had high GPAs. We had high SATs. We graduated college with suma-cum-somethings. We were a parent’s dream. Until Henry graduated, pursued a screenwriting

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Why I Stopped Trying To Make My Daughter Be Pretty

My 10-year-old daughter Clare only likes to wear clothes from the boy’s section. Preferably a boxy, shapeless t-shirt with pictures of Spiderman or any other superhero on them. She always wears two braids. Always. Even to bed. Her hair is

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There will be no child actors here!

A star has been born in our family. Yes, yes, I know Bridget is my child, therefore I’m partial. But this is not a subjective opinion, there is scientific proof that she is a star. There is the measurable charismatic

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