Of Trampolines and Yesterday
I took a bunch of kids trampolining today. I took this kid: (My oldest and her daddy long legs.) And this kid: (My youngest
Category: Kids & Parents
I’m Co-Dependent with Octomom
I’m worried about Octomom. Fourteen kids. Eight of them are 2. Yesterday I threw my daughter’s tights at her when she STILL hadn’t gotten dressed after
The Kayak Trip to Hell and Starbucks
Why do OLD PARENTS think they can do a lot of stuff? Meaning me and Henry. Because we decided to take the girls down to
Kids On Vacation
A Colleary Christmas – 2009 Cast of Characters: S – Shannon (44): Fairly well-preserved wife/mother/writer/controversial AYSO soccer referee and pseudo intellectual. Prone to occasional bouts of grandiosity.
I Might Be A Murderer
Not All Cowpokes Are Created Equal! “I might be a murderer, a pedophile, a miscreant! How do you know your bones ain’t gonna be picked
I am Hubbell
Great Scott that man was gorgeous! Do you remember that scene in The Way We Were? It’s the one where Barbra Streisand calls Hubbell because
Who’s The Fairest Of Them All?
Sisterly Competition Bridget and I were lying in bed reading last night when she activated a sleeper cell to commit jihad against me. “Mommy, who’s
Screwed by the Spring Sing
When I come in from work today I find Bridget flung across her bed scribbling furiously on a yellow legal pad. She’s using a thick,
All About My Mother
Blaming Your Mom Here’s my sob story accompanied by violin in A minor. My parents divorced when I was two. Both remarried. My dad once
My Kids Have Stealth Super Powers
The kids chose our costumes Halloween ’09. Should’ve tipped me off to their true identities! It’s 3 p.m. I’ve picked Clare (8) and Bridget (7) up
Spring Fever For the Over-Achiever
These Ukranian Easter eggs are overkill. Who’re they trying to impress? Are we supposed to live up to this fucacta? This will be brief. Because
The American Girl Doll Birthday Party Rip-Off
This doll bed cost more than my cesarean What is more wholesome than an American Girl Doll? There’s Josefina Montoya who tries to preserve what
Other People’s Kids Suck!
Other people’s kids suck! Because they’re hyper, foretelling a career jacking cop cars to sell for parts in Oaxaca while high on crank. Our kids
Kids Who Hate Change
Henry and I had the execrable audacity to repaint our 8-year old daughter’s bedroom against her will. Two more heinous crushers-of-the-soul have never existed. Upon
Mommy Flirting
I flirt with moms more than men these days. And not because I’m a lesbian, though that might’ve saved me some heartache in my
The Christ Child is Born
The Los Angeles Lakers showed up for the cesarean with my first child Clare. Okay. Not literally. My doctors – whom we’ll call Kobe and Shaq
The Day Before My Baby’s Birth
Gestation: 38 Weeks, 2 Days The day before my baby’s birth I’ve officially broken the forty pound weight barrier, coming in on the scale today
Three For The Road
Gestation: 35 Weeks, 6 Days The last few days it feels like Henry, Clare and I are doing everything as a threesome for the last
In Brazil, a Cesarean is Scheduled Like a Mani/Pedi
Gestation: 34 Weeks, 3 Days My friend Mary Rose had her second child, Maya, completely naturally. No drugs. What she did have was a wiccan-ish
The Ape Baby
Gestation: 33 Weeks, 5 Days In the last ultrasound our baby’s profile looked like a small ape baby face AND our house has been destroyed.
Why The Dental Suicide Rate is so High
Gestation: 32 Weeks, 2 Days I’m in the stage of pregnancy where I resemble a post-op frontal lobotomite. I spelled “of” “uv” the other day.
Firing the Babysitter
Gestation: 31 weeks, 3 days Henry’s mad at me for being mad at him regarding what time he comes home from work, which is the
How Dare My Babysitter Have a Life!
Gestation: 31 weeks, 4 days My world is spinning off its axis. My babysitter is leaving me.(Did I mention I’m a work-at-home-writer mom, which means
Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
Gestation: 31 weeks As I swallowed a third Tums to quell the pillaging heartburn that comes of eating chicken milanesa when you’re nearly eight months
Monster Baby
Gestation: 30 Weeks, 4 Days I’m worried I won’t love the new baby as much as I love my firstborn, Clare. I had a dream
