Gestation: 18 Weeks, 6 Days — My Thanksgiving Top Ten
1. I’m thankful for the “three folds of the labia.” We’re having a girl!
2. I’m grateful my husband took a blood oath that he won’t marry a younger woman to bear him a son, hence carrying on the family name. I made a voodoo doll just in case.
3. I’m grateful I put half-and-half in my cereal instead of milk and no one dared say anything.
4. I’m grateful the last ten-pound weight gain has given me a hearty Santa Claus laugh. When I laugh people look toward the ceiling, listening for the clattering of hooves.
5. I’m grateful for “Glee,” but annoyed at how talented Gwyneth Paltrow is; the steel-hewn post-baby thighs, the impressive vocal range, the perfect Castilian accent, the culinary skills she touts on her undeservedly successful blog, and let’s not even mention breaking Brad Pitt’s heart. I’m beginning to think I need another voodoo doll. Yak.
6. I’m grateful I can get high from sniffing California Baby Lavender Bath Foam.
7. I’m grateful I’m going through a libidinous stretch. I think my husband’s grateful too, as long as I don’t squash his pancreas.
8. I’m grateful for tweezers and a magnifying mirror. (That’s all I’ll say about that).
9. I’m grateful my daughter laughs like a martini-tippling-circus-performer when I snuffle her delicious, chubby cheeks as I “Ho ho ho.”
10. I’m grateful for God – who’s name I do not know. And for peanut butter brickle.