|Here are the cretinous techno-monsters!|
They’re still here.
In their bedrooms. In their pajamas. Beds unmade. Toys strewn.
They’re bored. They’re addicted to technology. Their eyes glaze over, their jaws slacken, they drool and twitch spasmodically as they play the Wii, watch the Disney Channel with its soul-sucking Fame Monsters, impregnate my Iphone with Angry Birds, Cube Runners and Cake Doodle.
They fight. “You’re looking at me.” “I’m not looking at you.” “I saw you look.” “Why don’t you try looking when you see!” “Try listening when you hear!” “Try speaking when you talk!” “Mommy! Can I say a bad word?” Me: “At this point I don’t really give a shit!”
Silence. Mommy guilt. I stepped over the line into Scary.
I’m tired of kayaking, trail-riding, trampolining, bicycling, hand-balling, water- weenieing, packing, unpacking, packing, unpacking. Go the F#$k Back To School!
Also I’ve been eating lots of ice cream-like substances. There were the Weight Watchers toffee-covered thingies. I ate eight of them on Monday. Which kind of defeats the point. Eight. I’m not kidding. Last night I ate two vanilla Drumsticks, a bowl of cherries and a gin and tonic.
Yes, I ate the gin and tonic.
Some of the gin trickled out between my teeth, but I couldn’t stop gnashing them. Either the kids go back to school or I’m going Plus Size on my way to AA.
Seven more days. It’s a very long time.
Remember the earth was created in seven days. And I’m sure it was easier than trying to keep grade schoolers OFF ELECTRONICS for a thirteen-week summer break.
Even my neck feels fat. My toenails are pudgy and need a polish. My whiskers have run amuck. I’m going to stop now because I know some of you’re thinking, “What about Africa?!” So I’m not going to complain anymore.
Go the F#%k back to school!