Go The F#%k Back To School!

Here are the cretinous techno-monsters!

They’re still here. 

In their bedrooms. In their pajamas. Beds unmade. Toys strewn. 

They’re bored. They’re addicted to technology. Their eyes glaze over, their jaws slacken, they drool and twitch spasmodically as they play the Wii, watch the Disney Channel with its soul-sucking Fame Monsters, impregnate my Iphone with Angry Birds, Cube Runners and Cake Doodle.

They fight. “You’re looking at me.” “I’m not looking at you.” “I saw you look.” “Why don’t you try looking when you see!” “Try listening when you hear!” “Try speaking when you talk!” “Mommy! Can I say a bad word?” Me: “At this point I don’t really give a shit!”

Silence. Mommy guilt. I stepped over the line into Scary.

I’m tired of kayaking, trail-riding, trampolining, bicycling, hand-balling, water- weenieing, packing, unpacking, packing, unpacking. Go the F#$k Back To School!

Also I’ve been eating lots of ice cream-like substances. There were the Weight Watchers toffee-covered thingies. I ate eight of them on Monday. Which kind of defeats the point. Eight. I’m not kidding. Last night I ate two vanilla Drumsticks, a bowl of cherries and a gin and tonic.

Yes, I ate the gin and tonic.

Some of the gin trickled out between my teeth, but I couldn’t stop gnashing them. Either the kids go back to school or I’m going Plus Size on my way to AA.

Seven more days. It’s a very long time.

Remember the earth was created in seven days. And I’m sure it was easier than trying to keep grade schoolers OFF ELECTRONICS for a thirteen-week summer break.

Even my neck feels fat. My toenails are pudgy and need a polish. My whiskers have run amuck. I’m going to stop now because I know some of you’re thinking, “What about Africa?!” So I’m not going to complain anymore.

Go the F#%k back to school!

16 thoughts on “Go The F#%k Back To School!”

  1. If I see one more cakedoodle strawberry heart shaped three tier cake with "Amelia hearts mommy" on it I may check myself into a special ward where medication runs amuk.

    Freaking cakedoodle.

  2. Shannon Bradley-Colleary

    Hi CAtherine, we actually baked two of cake doodle cakes. One of them ran and the other one was so hard I broke my tooth bonding. GTFBTS!

    And Sherilyn — I suspect there were a few The Shining mOments pre-tech.

  3. I found you through GDRP, and I admit I'm hooked. We actually started school on Aug 3, can you believe that? Only…I do online schooling with my boys at home. So now I'm trying to keep them off the Wii so they'll do their lessons. WTF was I thinking?

  4. Missy@Wonder, Friend

    Like Amy, above, I found you through our friend, The Empress, and am hooked, as well.

    I thought I was alone in the summer weight-gain, but I ate away a lot of my frustrations this summer. That, coupled with the absurd heat, meant way too much time inside, watching Phineas and Ferb, eating snacks. As sad as I was to realize that my little guy is now in Kindergarten, I was really relieved to hear that school bell ring.

    Time for the TV to go off, and for me to slog to the gym. Alone.

  5. Shannon Bradley-Colleary

    Hi Amy and Missy — that Empress is too good to me. I'm so glad to hear from you. The gym is my mistress. I feel guilty when I'm with her. She makes my thighs burn and my breasts ache. Oh how I love her bc then I can eat a whole box of Weight Watchers almost guilt free. If you see the Empress hug her for me. xo

  6. Heidi- Girl to Mom

    Hi Shannon!

    We have to get together again soon. Maybe for a drink at the local tavern. At the mall. I know people who can get us in.

    And yes, I would love to guest blog! I'll write something original if you'd like, just for you. Pick a topic. I'm game.

    XOXO- Heidi (Girl to Mom.com)

  7. Megan (Best of Fates)

    I admit, I'm partially laughing and I'm partially sympathetic but mainly, I'm trying to force myself to finish writing this comment before rushing off to find out what Cake Doodle is and how I can start playing it immediately.

  8. Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog

    Here from Alexandra, too. I remember hating summer vacations with the kids, too. Then we started homeschooling. That's a whole nother ball of wax, letmetellyou.

  9. Shannon Bradley-Colleary

    I will be checking your blog to read all about it. I would pull all my hair out if I home-schooled. I think I've pinpointed what it is that makes me nuts and it's the sibling rivalry. If love on one of my girls the other gets jealous and vice versa. I know it's normal, but it does get exhausting.

  10. I kid you not and I don't say this to scare you even more. BUT I maintained a mere 5 pound weight gain until the last week of summer, where NO LIE I porked on 5 more pounds. (Kind of) glad to hear I'm not the only one handling the final days of summer that way.

    Now I'm eating 800 calories a day to compensate. Kidding. 900.

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