I Hate Halloween!

9:11 p.m. Halloween Night …

Sugar. No more sugar. Or corn syrup. Or malto-yickitomasmazoo.

I am tired of costumes that are scratchy and too tight and cheap, and dirt and worms, and chocolate chocolate, drowning in chocolate and screaming witches and front yards scattered with tombstones and bones.

It is NOT FUN!

I am too old for this s%#t. I want to eat blanched asparagus for ten years and hire someone to floss and brush my childrens’ teeth in a punitive manner. “Floss salubrious minions!  Faster!!”

I don’t want to walk through anymore gauzy f-ing cobwebs or have a spider dropped on my head from a stucco balcony.

I don’t want to wear plastic vampire teeth that cut my gums. Or a naughty nurse’s pinafore.

I don’t want to let my kids use my lip-liner to draw blood dripping down their cheeks.

I don’t want to take anymore pictures. I am sick of smiling. I am sick of asking people to smile. I am sick of pretending to be scared. I am not scared. Scary perhaps, but not scared.

I am cranky. The children are still awake counting their candy like junkies counting their Quaaludes. 112 pieces for Bridget. 152 pieces for Clare.

I should just shoot them up with hypodermic needles. They are going to get brain damage from insulin overload.

Who came up with this Halloween debauchery-fest? I’m going to find you Mutha-fugger!

I’m going to become a Quaker. Let me be clear. I will not wear a Quaker costume, but I will live like a Quaker, eating Quaker oats WITHOUT brown sugar. There will be no festivities or smiling. There will be fractions, calculations and the occasional flogging for laughing even a little bit. That is all.

Henry is making me post these pictures.

I don’t want Bridget to poke my bottom with her pitchfork anymore.
I don’t want Clare to poke my belly with her sword anymore!
Yes Henry looks good in a skirt, but I don’t want him poking my thighs with his saber anymore!
Take the damn picture and pour me another drink! Also, why are Vampire Claudia’s eyes so much bigger than mine??  My halo is tarnished.

5 thoughts on “I Hate Halloween!”

  1. I love Halloween. I ate my own weight in mini Snickers bars last night and woke up with glitter in places that have never sparkled before. It was the closest to being a celebrity I may ever get, and for that, I must bow to the pagan gods of fake blood and boobs.

  2. BWAHahahahaha! While my ghoulies were out trick-or-treating with someone else and my groovy sister was handing out candy to the visiting ghoulies, I was busy doing witchy rituals to restore my beauty (which, coincidentally has been stolen by the drudgery of taking care of my ghoulies). And also putting a portrait in the attic.

    BTW, your costume was fab. You look EXACTLY like TWFKAB.

    xo

    1. Shannon Colleary

      Sadie — I am loving your blog. After frickin’ Blogworld is over on Saturday I’m gonna comment your butt off.

  3. Shannon, I love your blog as well! And, I simply cannot wait to have my butt commented off. If that works, we could make BILLIONS in the weight-loss industry. You in LA and me in The Fla (as we gangstas like to call Florida).

    Hope you have a blast at Blogworld! xo

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