All About My Mother
Blaming Your Mom Here’s my sob story accompanied by violin in A minor. My parents divorced when I was two. Both remarried. My dad once
Tag: moms
My Kids Have Stealth Super Powers
The kids chose our costumes Halloween ’09. Should’ve tipped me off to their true identities! It’s 3 p.m. I’ve picked Clare (8) and Bridget (7) up
The American Girl Doll Birthday Party Rip-Off
This doll bed cost more than my cesarean What is more wholesome than an American Girl Doll? There’s Josefina Montoya who tries to preserve what
Other People’s Kids Suck!
Other people’s kids suck! Because they’re hyper, foretelling a career jacking cop cars to sell for parts in Oaxaca while high on crank. Our kids
The Christ Child is Born
The Los Angeles Lakers showed up for the cesarean with my first child Clare. Okay. Not literally. My doctors – whom we’ll call Kobe and Shaq
The Day Before My Baby’s Birth
Gestation: 38 Weeks, 2 Days The day before my baby’s birth I’ve officially broken the forty pound weight barrier, coming in on the scale today
Three For The Road
Gestation: 35 Weeks, 6 Days The last few days it feels like Henry, Clare and I are doing everything as a threesome for the last
The Ape Baby
Gestation: 33 Weeks, 5 Days In the last ultrasound our baby’s profile looked like a small ape baby face AND our house has been destroyed.
Firing the Babysitter
Gestation: 31 weeks, 3 days Henry’s mad at me for being mad at him regarding what time he comes home from work, which is the
How Dare My Babysitter Have a Life!
Gestation: 31 weeks, 4 days My world is spinning off its axis. My babysitter is leaving me.(Did I mention I’m a work-at-home-writer mom, which means
Monster Baby
Gestation: 30 Weeks, 4 Days I’m worried I won’t love the new baby as much as I love my firstborn, Clare. I had a dream
Santa Barbara Nightmare!!
Gestation: 29 Weeks, 5 Days Time: Noon Place: Santa Barbara Biltmore Activity: Solo weekend away Mental Condition: Foot loose and fancy free I’m sitting in
Bully For Me
Gestation: 29 Weeks There’s a red-headed twenty-seven month-old Love Bully named Scarlet in Clare’s Toddler-and-Me class. Just our luck, she has it in for Clare.
Pregnant and Proud
Gestation: 27 Weeks, 4 Days In film school I made an eight millimeter film on female body image for my non-narrative film class. I decided
All About My Mother
Gestation: 27 Weeks Here’s my sob story accompanied by violin in A minor: My parents divorced when I was two. Both remarried. My dad once and
Flu Pandemic Panic
Gestation: 24 Weeks, 1 Day It’s the Night of the Living Dead up in here. Henry and I went to bed at eight-thirty – it’s
Pregnancy Christmas List
Gestation: 23 Weeks All I want for Christmas is: 1. To keep the pregnancy boobs. 2. Nipple tassels for the pregnancy boobs that I can
Alcohol Cravings
Gestation: 21 Weeks, 4 Days We enter a Mexican restaurant for our first dinner out together since the twelfth of never. It smells of tomatillos
Sibling Rivalry: There’s a New Baby Coming?
Whaddaya mean you’re giving me a sibling? Gestation: 21 weeks Today I lifted my shirt to show 18-month old Clare my belly. “There’s a baby
10 Reasons You’re a Bitch to Your Husband During Pregnancy
Gestation: 20 Weeks 5 Days 1. You’re a bitch to your husband during pregnancy because he flattens himself against the wall like a minnow avoiding
Panicking During My Amniocentesis
Gestation: 19 Weeks, 6 Days I panicked during my amniocentesis today, which reminded me of a fat, gray seal I startled once while scuba diving.
Gobble Gobble Thanksgiving
Gestation: 18 Weeks, 6 Days — My Thanksgiving Top Ten 1. I’m thankful for the “three folds of the labia.” We’re having a girl! 2.
Lonely Mommy
Gestation: 15 Weeks, Six Days I’ve been cruising for mommy friends like a red-assed baboon during mating season. I have a neighbor with a son
I Want To Barf!
Gestation: 15 Weeks What no one tells pregnant women is that the only way to abate the continual nausea that drones in your body, akin to
Achy Breaky Breastfeeding Boobs
Gestation: 14 Weeks, Two Days Today at the Pump Station in Santa Monica, the epicenter of breastfeeding worship, Sage, the counter matron, (okay, maybe her
