MY RACY ADVICE ABOUT HOW TO HAVE GOOD SEX!
It might’ve been a week ago, but I suspect it’s longer. It’s definitely happened since Valentine’s Day. I think.
- Blame it on the bout of spring allergies with their attendant mucous.
- Blame it on the belly fat. (Who knew a chocolate Easter bunny could be so fattening?).
- Blame it on our two indefatigably cock-blocking children, who will soon be out of school for THREE MONTHS!
- Blame it on fucking Rio (yes, that reference dates me).
Bottom line, Henry and I are not doing the Horizontal Mambo, which is usually smokin’ hot!
You’ll be relieved (or indifferent) to know that measures have been taken.
Next Sunday, at exactly oh-eleven hundred hours until fifteen hundred hours by the yard-arm, our children will be OUT OF THE HOUSE.
That’s right. We’re not having a Date Night Out. Henry and I are having a Date Day In!
Because the last time we had sex on a date night out was in our SUV on the roof of the parking structure at The Grove; an over-priced mall off Fairfax and Wilshire.
It was Henry, me and three other cars parked up there at 10 p.m. on a Sunday night and I spent most of our interlude craning my neck around to see if anyone was watching.
And let me tell you. No one was watching. I know because I was too busy watching them. Even though they didn’t exist. Which makes for highly un-sexy sex.
Five Benefits to a Date Day In:
1. You’re not too tired for foreplay, which may or may not include licking the woman’s sexy armpit.
2. You can actually see your partner as you make love in broad daylight. (Or, you can use black out curtains so you don’t have to see each other. Dealer’s choice.)
3. You can yell as loud as you want and no one will hear, except maybe the neighbors who will think you’re simply doing flying yoga. Which is actually insulting since you look like two sex machines.
4. You can nap after your tryst without the stick-shift cranking your neck.
5. Finally. And most importantly. The food and wine are free.
Also, hopefully your sitter takes the kids to the race track, where they’ll bet on Hibiscus Flower, who carries a three-point handicap or whatever it is.
Said-horse will come from behind, break away from the pack and win! Allowing your children to pay for your Date Day In.
If you enjoyed this article you’re going to love Shannon’s book, “Married Sex: Fact & Fiction.” You can grab it HERE!