“The literary equivalent of a summer night, a good friend and a gin-and-tonic: Shannon is a deft writer; a natural storyteller with a wicked turn of phrase and frighteningly specific memory...”

Download Shannon's story, "Beautiful Boy, Brandon Lee," in its full length, excerpted from her book, Smash, Crash & Burn.

The Embarrassing Thing That Happened During Athletic Lovemaking

Michael and I in VegasPic

The other night I stopped Henry in the midst of our mating ritual. “What are you doing?” I asked. “I’m kissing you,” he replied. “But why are you kissing me so softly?” I demanded. “I’m being gentle,” he explained. “I want you to be gentle in life, but not in bed,” I instructed. Henry groaned exasperatedly.

This is an ongoing issue for me. I’m always telling Henry I want fiery passion even though he can hear everything I do in the bathroom. I can be exhausting. Be glad you’re not married to me. I thought Henry might just take a rain check.

Instead he handled my request and swept me into some surprisingly athletic lovemaking.

Where’s he been hiding that? I thought.

While most of me was in the heat of the moment, a sliver of me, probably my left cerebellum, kind of floated above us and admired his vigor and endurance. Not bad for a man north of 50. Actually, not bad for a man at any age.

But what the heck was happening with me?

In one position my wrists began to hurt the way they do when I hold a downward dog too long in yoga. My left hip popped out of joint, then back in. My breathing escalated and my lungs began to protest.

Lungs to me: What do you think you’re doing? You sit at a desk eight hours a day and walk around the park twice a week. We’re not in shape for this kind of stuff? You can’t expect us to to keep up!

Me to lungs: Just hang in there, okay. Henry’s in his 50s for Godsakes, how much longer can he last?!

Lungs to me: Who knows! You insulted his manliness and goaded him into a virtuoso performance, you asshat! Sweet Jesus, I think I sprained my bronchi.

Vagina to lungs: Lungs, I’m almost there, don’t fail me now!

Lungs to vagina: Oh, sure, it’s always about you, isn’t it?! All about you and your damned orgasms! What do we get out of this besides a potential embolism?

Heart to lungs: Would you guys shut the fuck up, you’re giving me fibrillations!

Me to heart: No one has heart disease in my family, you’re just lazy.

Heart to me: Well maybe if you treated me to something more taxing than paraplegic water aerobics I could handle this sudden, unfortunate uptick in your sexual exertions!

Clitoris to everyone: Stop your yammering bitches! Our OB-Gyn told me that I’m an “average-sized” clitoris, okay? Not like Shannon’s friend Caprice whose apparently massive clitoris orgasms when she sneezes. I’m just average! I have to concentrate!

Mouth to me: Thannon, Thannon over here! I haf cotton-mouf. No saliva. Sahara dethert in here! Too much panting and breafing. I’m parched! 

“Honey?” I query my masterful and apparently superiorly conditioned husband.

“Yes!”

“I know thith might be an inconvenient thime, but do you think maybe …”

“What do you need. Anything, just tell me!”

“Could you? … go get me a drink of water?”

“Now?”

“Yeth.”

Silence in which you could hear fiery passion snuffed out like a mafia soldier who slept with an undercover Fed. Be careful what you wish for in bed after 40. You jutht might get it.

(Author’s note: Facebook is now charging money for each post I place on my Fan Page. If you love this site — or hate it for that matter — sign up HERE for my weekly newsletter in order not to miss a thing!)

And if you like this ribald tale you will love Shannon’s book, “Married Sex: Fact & Fiction.” You can order it right here!


Tags assigned to this article:
lovemaking

26 comments

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  1. Rosie
    Rosie 8 November, 2013, 09:40

    L O L and I love that photo!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 8 November, 2013, 13:36

      Thanks Rosie — I look at those fresh-faced lovebirds and just have so much affection for them.xo

      Reply this comment
  2. Ellen Dolgen
    Ellen Dolgen 8 November, 2013, 11:40

    Definitely worthy of an Olympic Gold Medal my dear! Hilarious!

    Reply this comment
  3. Sheryl
    Sheryl 8 November, 2013, 11:41

    Tho, tho funny!

    Reply this comment
  4. Karen @BakingInATornado
    Karen @BakingInATornado 8 November, 2013, 14:18

    Hilarious, both in a funny way and in a “yup, I can relate” way.

    Reply this comment
  5. Elin Stebbins Waldal
    Elin Stebbins Waldal 8 November, 2013, 14:49

    This made me laugh-it’s a wonder any woman manages an orgasm ever with all the noise inside our heads!

    Reply this comment
  6. Lynne Spreen (@LynneSpreen)
    Lynne Spreen (@LynneSpreen) 8 November, 2013, 16:02

    Stop, you’re killing me! Thank God I found your blog. Or you found me. Anyway, I need this.

    Reply this comment
  7. Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com
    Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com 8 November, 2013, 16:25

    Hahahaha! And I thought I was the only one who ever over-thought EVERYTHING!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 8 November, 2013, 20:53

      I was actually telekinetically talking to you while we were both having sex with our husbands. I was wondering if you had the six letter word for “mishegas”

      Reply this comment
  8. Estelle Sobel Erasmus
    Estelle Sobel Erasmus 8 November, 2013, 18:42

    Hilarious! I wish I knew what was going on in his head, too. Must. Perform. For. Wife.:)
    Estelle

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 8 November, 2013, 20:54

      It’s amazing he was able to … perform. After all of my meddling. He showed me a thing or two.

      Reply this comment
  9. Anne Parris
    Anne Parris 8 November, 2013, 19:03

    I laughed so hard I sneezed. I need a moment.

    Reply this comment
  10. Sharon Greenthal
    Sharon Greenthal 8 November, 2013, 22:45

    And you were thiiiiiiis close….

    Reply this comment
  11. sandee
    sandee 8 November, 2013, 23:02

    Funny! funny! please write more stories with your body parts talking to each other. I think my lungs are probably saying that while I type…

    Reply this comment
  12. Doug
    Doug 9 December, 2013, 18:24

    Love it.

    PS, Thanks for sending out the notice

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 9 December, 2013, 19:24

      You’re welcome Doug. So glad you’re signed up. I’m realizing reaching people through Facebook is becoming too costly now.

      Reply this comment

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