Today, in an effort to prove my Mavericism — a phrase first coined by Tom Cruise when he played Maverick in that cinematic masterpiece Top Gun — I’m bucking the trend and going anti-Thanksgiving by itemizing the things I’m NOT GRATEFUL for today.
1. I’m not grateful for Piles.
Which are basically inflamed hemorrhoids. I’m not grateful for those.
Of course, my pristine tush doesn’t have any, but I’m not grateful that several people who weren’t nice to me have them.
(Yes, ex-military boyfriend, I feel bad about your piles, because even though you were unfaithful, and had a really poor sense of humor, and filed dead skin off of your foot onto a paper towel everyday, I still don’t wish you to suffer. Because I’m like Ghandi.)
2. I’m not grateful for the parking ticket
Which I received while trying to bribe the parking ticket attendant NOT to give me a ticket by offering her a crano-sacrial massage, which I tried to demonstrate with my powerful kung-fu grip on her head.
She was quite ungrateful herself, and wrote me a second ticket for public creepiness and sweaty palms.
3. I’m not grateful for cottage cheese.
Whether it be in a tub from the grocery store, or on the back of Kim Kardashian’s ass. I just don’t like it. It’s a texture thing.
4. I’m not grateful for my neck.
I’m worried when my mother-in-law cooks Thanksgiving dinner she might mistake me for the turkey. On the upside, I’ve been told I taste delicious. When I kiss. (Jeez, you guys!)
5. I’m not grateful that shopping costs money.
Someone’s got to come up with a solution for that. I’m constantly having to loot and pillage under cover of dark, after which I must change identities.
My real name … let’s see, can I remember it when I’ve changed identities as many times as Jason Bourne? … ah yes, I once was Horace Tittle.
I even had a penis, which I donated to science. Or burned in effigy.
6. I’m not grateful for the people who get the sexy jobs that I want.
And who are smarter and funnier than me.
I’ve made several voodoo dolls of these people. And some of them are you.
That pin prick you just felt in your left foot that you thought was a muscle pinch? Think again, motherf%#ker.
7. I’m not grateful for the caloric nature of anything delicious.
Why do delicious things make us fat? How do you answer that one, religious people? Where’s your God now??
8. I’m not grateful for reading glasses.
Granted, I can pull off the sexy librarian look when wearing the right nipple tassels, but this constant search and recovery mission to find the sneaky bastards is more challenging than the catatonic Ben Affleck’s coup was in Argo.
What are you ungrateful for today? And don’t write something that seems like you’re ungrateful, but is still somehow spiritually uplifting.
We are trying to be Thanksgiving outlaws today.
Do you really want to go into a turkey/gravy/dressing/pumpkin pie contented coma? Or do you want to live on the edge, unfulfilled and hungry?
Do you think Voldemort was grateful? Hell, no! The most interesting people are ingrates!
Nurse Ratched, Leatherface, General Zod, Michael Myers, Hannibal Lector, need I say more? Let’s do this thang!
13 thoughts on “The Anti-Thanksgiving”
Today I am ungrateful that instead of driving to San Antonio to spend a girl weekend with my bestie, I have to stay home and be the mom. There it is. (I am grateful for rain checks, though.)
Happy Belated Thanksgiving, Shannon. I read your blog all the time but never comment. Too lazy, I guess. But, I think you are hilarious!
I’m greatfull I’m Australian and don’t do that shit. Peroid.
It would be such a relief.
I’m not grateful for middle-aged me men who are all “come on baby” sexy via text, and then all “not tonight, I have to get up early to go to the gym”.
Really?
That’s just not right.
I am not grateful for overly-pious holiday celebrants. I am not grateful for people who can’t laugh at themselves. I am not grateful for the mouse my cats brought me (but I lied and told them I was so proud of them). I am not grateful for fussy babies (yeah, I said it).
But I am grateful for snarky bitches.
Oh Lisa I am so snarky. And I’m also not grateful for the still-flailing disembodied lizard tail my cats brought me.
This morning it was just one back leg and thigh muscle… they are such wasters!
I am not grateful for being the breadwinner in my family while my husband goes to grad school.
I am not grateful for being away from my kids so much.
I am not grateful for ceding control of my time and life management to this reasonably good job.
I worked hard not to point out the silver linings in those ungratitudes. 😉
Meredith I appreciate your ungratefulness. I am not grateful for what appears to be a cavity. Aren’t I too old for cavities? Shouldn’t there be a time limit on those kinds of things? Sometimes it’s satisfying to just have a good kvetch!
#3 Cracked me up. I am a little late, but I am not grateful for all of a sudden becoming allergic to everything I put on my face at 28 years-old. What the heck!?
Hi Serena — my body started betraying me on my 30th birthday. I came down with a sexy case of irritable bowel syndrome. Live is nothing if not humbling.
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