Today, in an effort to prove my Mavericism — a phrase first coined by Tom Cruise when he played Maverick in that cinematic masterpiece Top Gun — I’m bucking the trend and going anti-Thanksgiving by itemizing the things I’m NOT GRATEFUL for today.
1. I’m not grateful for Piles.
Which are basically inflamed hemorrhoids. I’m not grateful for those.
Of course, my pristine tush doesn’t have any, but I’m not grateful that several people who weren’t nice to me have them.
(Yes, ex-military boyfriend, I feel bad about your piles, because even though you were unfaithful, and had a really poor sense of humor, and filed dead skin off of your foot onto a paper towel everyday, I still don’t wish you to suffer. Because I’m like Ghandi.)
2. I’m not grateful for the parking ticket
Which I received while trying to bribe the parking ticket attendant NOT to give me a ticket by offering her a crano-sacrial massage, which I tried to demonstrate with my powerful kung-fu grip on her head.
She was quite ungrateful herself, and wrote me a second ticket for public creepiness and sweaty palms.
3. I’m not grateful for cottage cheese.
Whether it be in a tub from the grocery store, or on the back of Kim Kardashian’s ass. I just don’t like it. It’s a texture thing.
4. I’m not grateful for my neck.
I’m worried when my mother-in-law cooks Thanksgiving dinner she might mistake me for the turkey. On the upside, I’ve been told I taste delicious. When I kiss. (Jeez, you guys!)
5. I’m not grateful that shopping costs money.
Someone’s got to come up with a solution for that. I’m constantly having to loot and pillage under cover of dark, after which I must change identities.
My real name … let’s see, can I remember it when I’ve changed identities as many times as Jason Bourne? … ah yes, I once was Horace Tittle.
I even had a penis, which I donated to science. Or burned in effigy.
6. I’m not grateful for the people who get the sexy jobs that I want.
And who are smarter and funnier than me.
I’ve made several voodoo dolls of these people. And some of them are you.
That pin prick you just felt in your left foot that you thought was a muscle pinch? Think again, motherf%#ker.
7. I’m not grateful for the caloric nature of anything delicious.
Why do delicious things make us fat? How do you answer that one, religious people? Where’s your God now??
8. I’m not grateful for reading glasses.
Granted, I can pull off the sexy librarian look when wearing the right nipple tassels, but this constant search and recovery mission to find the sneaky bastards is more challenging than the catatonic Ben Affleck’s coup was in Argo.
What are you ungrateful for today? And don’t write something that seems like you’re ungrateful, but is still somehow spiritually uplifting.
We are trying to be Thanksgiving outlaws today.
Do you really want to go into a turkey/gravy/dressing/pumpkin pie contented coma? Or do you want to live on the edge, unfulfilled and hungry?
Do you think Voldemort was grateful? Hell, no! The most interesting people are ingrates!
Nurse Ratched, Leatherface, General Zod, Michael Myers, Hannibal Lector, need I say more? Let’s do this thang!