2 Secret Things Women Want in Bed

what do women want in bedToday I want to write about sex. Specifically, about what women want in bed.

A month or so back I found myself in a gay club dancing with lovely men who made me feel fun, sexy and beautiful.

But none had any interest in tempting me away from my domestic haven.

However, I came home from that experience feeling restless and mid-life crisis-y.

I realized my 17-year relationship-now-marriage had some pretty predictable sexual patterns, which happens in any long-term relationship.

But, suddenly I felt a strong compulsion to break free of those patterns.

Although I wanted to shake things up, I knew swinging, polyamory or “taking a lover” would be the death knell of my treasured marriage, therefore not the kind of “shaking things up” I wanted to do.

So I turned to my man for help.

What makes my husband so incredibly badass is that when I said, “I think I’m having a midlife crisis. I’m sexually bored.”

He instantly said, “Let’s do something about it!”

Realizing it was my issue, not his, I went to see my sage former therapist and admitted that I didn’t want tender lovemaking.

Instead, I found books and movies where women are sexually ravished and even aggressively taken exciting and that I judged myself for it.

I was raised Mormon, so my psychological, sexual landscape has definitely been influenced by the inherent sexual repression in that culture.

I write a lot about sex, which makes me seem like a libertine, but in many ways I’m repressed and frequently do battle with Morality Police; the priggish Jacques and Ferrar, that live inside my head.

My therapist, who is often a place of temperate permission, explained that she believes, and I quote:

“The ravishment fantasy is most likely the rule for women, rather than the exception.”

She recently watched a documentary on the endangered big cat, the Canadian Lynx, and described her surprise at how aggressive the male is with the female during the mating ritual. The male will bite the female’s neck, scratching her and holding her down forcefully.

My doc surmised that humans most likely have a genetic or biological sexual impulse that is very similar to that of animals.

After my session, whilst googling the keyphrase:

What do Women Want in Bed?

I stumbled on a recent Ask Men article titled, 5 Things Women Secretly Want In Bed. Two of them made my Morality Police, the irascible Jacques and Ferrar, take note.

The author wrote: Secret Desire #1 — Get Aggressive In Bed

“Just about every woman I encountered had the words ‘more aggressive sex’ rolling off her tongue.
“From being tied up and spanked to having their hair pulled and being mildly asphyxiated, the women were quite enthusiastic about aggressive sex.
“Of course, I’m not implying that you should go home and smack your (lady) up, but instead, maybe a little roughhousing in the bedroom can work wonders for your sex life.”

Secret Desire #2 — Treat Her Like A Prostitute

(Shannon here: this language might offend the feminists in many of us. But I agree with the spirit of the note.)
“Ah, fantasies, the beauty of them lies in the fact that many are not realized. But as one woman put it: ‘I am tired of being that precious lady in the bedroom. I’m tired of making love and doing things gently all the time.’ (Shannon quietly raises hand)
“I want him to have raunchy sex with me and talk to me as though he just met me and cares nothing about what I want. I want him to ravish me like an animal and tell me to be quiet, whenever I try to say something.’
“I guess, in the end, there are plenty of women who want to be, for lack of a better word, slutty in the bedroom.
“They simply fear that if they behave in such a manner, then their men will think less of them, and some are even afraid that their men will mistakenly begin treating them differently outside the bedroom as well.
“All the same, many women are big fans of scenarios such as the one described.”

In the last quote, I particularly appreciate that the author has made a distinction between what women like in bed and what they prefer in real life.

All of this is food for thought and a catalyst to ex-communicate the puritanical, prudish, Victorian Jacques and Ferrar with regards to my midlife ennui.

I recognize that my sexual (and personal) relationship with my husband hasn’t stopped growing.

It’s been stunted a bit by the last 13 years of raising children, but there is nothing that says we can’t pick up the sexual reins and continue to grow and even surprise each other as the years unfold.

I think the ace we have up our sleeve is the genuine goodwill we have toward each other and a willingness to communicate, even the trickiest most vulnerable, uncomfortable stuff.

I’m curious, Female Reader, does the idea of ravishment turn you on and do you incorporate that into your relationship?
And Male Reader, what is your experience with women and how they respond to aggression in bed? (note: aggression that is NOT abusive, but consensual)

P.S. For Mother’s Day my man among men presented me with something just for us. A massage table.

How lucky am I to have a man who shows me day after day that our marriage is his priority. Thank you, my love. I’m a lucky woman.

P. P. S. If you like this article you may also want to check out my relationship website at ShannonColleary.Com

And if you enjoyed this post you’ll love Shannon’s book, “Married Sex: Fact & Fiction.” You can order it HERE.

24 thoughts on “2 Secret Things Women Want in Bed”

  1. I could have written this myself. I too, like a bit of the rough stuff. I’ve just realised I keep apologising for it by saying “sorry I’m not into all the tender romantic stuff right now” but you’ve made me realise I don’t have to make excuses.

    Fab post!

    1. Katie I’m so glad you found it helpful. Having a mental professional affirm my desires made me feel so much better. I’m going to have to ask Dani what type of goodies she bought.

  2. Being back in the dating scene after a divorce six years ago, this is absolutely something I have noticed. Maybe it was also true the last time I was single, but I just did not know itt (maybe my partners back then were not comfortable asking for what they wanted, and I was not asking the right questions).

    I am 6’2″ and broad shouldered, so I do not know if I am attracting women with this sort of fantasy, but women have asked me to hold them down, pin their arms over their head with one hand, leaving my other hand free to explore, tie them up, pull hair, and pinch nipples harder than I would have without being prompted.

    After getting to the point in a relationship where sex enters the equation, and further to a time where communication and trust are clear, exploration is fun and healthy.

  3. At the 24 year marriage mark I was done. Bored beyond belief. He was withdrawn and I was mad. I did some soul searching and decided to give it one last chance. I did some creative online shopping, booked a weekend at a hotel and surprised my husband with photos of my purchases a hour before our planned departure that he knew nothing about. He was home in 20 minutes and we haven’t looked back since. It’s been a year and our sex life is better than when we were teenagers ( we’ve been a couple since junior high ). I won’t get into details but after he got over some misplaced guilt over not treating me like I would break any longer his true Dom is coming out and I couldn’t be more thrilled, or satisfied. Whoever says married sex is not as good as hookups or new love is doing it wrong 😉

  4. Yes, Yes, YES! Married sex has become so boring I am tempted to stray. And there isn’t enough of even the boring stuff. I’d love to be ravaged occasionally! My husband just doesn’t seem to get it and Lord knows I’ve tried. I think I see some marriage counseling in our future because it is affecting how I feel about the relationship.

    1. Hi Gina — it can be an uphill battle to change the dynamic in a long-term relationship. I think we both need to have Dani privately IM us to find out all of her secrets. Dani are you reading this?? You can email me your purchase list at shannon@shannoncolleary.com — so can anyone else for that matter. I’ll post them on this site as a reference page!!

  5. I’m not timid or ashamed and will tell you straight out it involved lots of “icicles”, leather floggers and crops,a few corsets & stainless steel ben wah balls. If it intrigued me I bought it. My UPS man winked at me when the delivery came, discrete packaging…right…as it wasn’t my usual Disney store delivery for my granddaughter’s. I’m amazed what you can Google today 😉 Sending him the picture was naughty but got my point across better than all the “talking” I was trying to do with him and so out of character for me. I brought out my almost A game (still have some tricks up my sleeve) and haven’t given him a chance to come up for air since. We had fallen into a bad rut of him withdrawing emotionally and withholding sex passively aggressively and me being sexually frustrated and bitchy, for over a year! Honestly though, I told my husband he’s the only man I’ve been with and the thought of being with someone else made me sick but I wasn’t settling for what our relationship had become any longer. I gave him the first half of my life willingly and happily but wasn’t prepared to settle for being someone’s reason for misery (midlife crisis or not) in the second half. We either both had to change immediately and permanently or I was done. I was really ready to walk away as scary as it is, I truly love this man. I highly recommend the hotel, even overnight. There’s just something about hotel sex that you can’t duplicate anywhere else on earth. I think the idea of me leaving with my new found confidence and toys was the wake-up call he needed. He’s still in the midst of his crisis (and its a bad one) but we connect sexually every day at some point now no matter how bad he thinks his life is. And I’m much happier the next day after a good spanking…politically correct or not. I know what I like and need, and if he’s feeling aggressive he can channel that into more productive activities that leave us both satisfied.

    1. Dani it sounds like your man has a fierce, passionate wife ready to fight for making things better. I worry maybe I just have been a bit lazy and repressed and need to take new risks. Not easy to do with an 11 and 12 year old under our roof, but they do go to school after all. I think I need to start with a corset.

  6. Shannon,
    My wife and I have been married for 18 years. We have 2 children around the same age as yours. From a guys perspective, I have always been treading lightly when it comes to the “rougher stuff.” I found, though, that with a little coercing from my wife, I discovered her limits of what she was looking for. Light bondage and some spanking has peaked her interest and excitement. It has certainly instilled a new outlook on our sex life. I find myself just as excited to be in that much control over her as she has about me being in charge. In this case, it certainly has helped our marriage. Slow introductions and research has helped me get that spark that was missing because of complacency. Excellent article Shannon!

  7. Seems almost like a universal thing to me. I’ve been married twenty years now, and I think up to some point there’s an impasse. The wife is afraid to say what she wants if it’s even slightly kinky thinking we’ll think less of her. We (men) often don’t think to ask if there’s more that our wife wants, for fear of offending her. And then, at some point, usually after a few years with kids, the conversation opens up. Maybe we all get a little more relaxed with our bodies after a few years of getting doused in every bodily excretion from our kids, or maybe we develop a sense of humor about it all.

    The upshot is that it seems like a lot of couples reach this place of a little more adventure. I will say, at least from my perspective, that it is very exciting to hear about my wife’s fantasies and doing something about them. The one advice I would give to women is to tell us….. we won’t think any less of you or see you differently in the light of day. We will still “respect you in the morning.” Remember, we can be a bit obtuse in reading signals, so sometimes a little communication “hand-holding” will do wonders!

    1. Randy I so appreciate getting the male perspective! I do feel a bit shy about telling my husband some of my fantasies. It’s time!

      1. Bruce Bentley

        I agree with Randy: We don’t know what you’re thinking. We’re even less telepathic/empathic than ya’all are. I, and I think that I speak for most of us creatures of Testosterone, are really good at some things, but reading what you’re thinking/feeling is not one of them. As long as we know you (years, decades or longer), we still can’t read your minds very well.

  8. Speaking as a mere (English) male, caught up in the maelstrom of my other half’s raging libido, I can most certainly confirm that the female of the species seeks the reality of rough sex, when physical bondage and domination are done in a way that doesn’t cause any lasting harm. She wants to be held down, tightly bound, gagged and whipped into ‘submission’ while going orgasmically insane at the same time.
    She’s only disappointed if marks fade too soon!
    She is so attuned to kink that she will climax if I softly tell her a naughty story, without any of the physical stuff at all.
    It is certainly the endless variety of BDSM that has kept us active down the years; even at 80 (scary or what?) I seem to be as fit and active as ever, with no slowing down at all, mentally or physically. So be reassured, all you young whippersnappers (sorry), that kink really is the secret to an eternal sexlife. Milady crashes into delightful oblivion before I do, but to be fair, it is after orgasms well into double figures. There’s no way I can keep up with that.
    A woman demanding (however subtly) to be dominated and controlled can have all this. She knows full well the power she has, while she’s lying there tied and ‘helpless’—we both know what a joke that is, but mutually ignore that bit. Though it will all be over if I tie her up and forget where I left her. After that it will be into Shady Pines and tying up nurses. Something to look forward to.
    It has been her choice to be my sex-object, and part of the deal , she says, is that I can live forever……. Still working on that, will keep you informed.

    1. Sweet Mother of God, Seekerrr. Marry me? Also, may I use this comment as an actual honest to God (you’ve made me use the word “God” twice in one reply) post? It’s simply too good to be buried in comments. xo

      1. Sure, use my burblings any way you want Shannon. I like to pass on whatever knowledge I’ve gained in BDSM and general kinkery. I always admit that it has been submissives who have been my teachers. They invariably show me in various ways what they need–How can I refuse? Being rigidly ‘dominant’ with fixed ideas wouldn’t have worked so well, certainly what I call domination wouldnt suit everybody. Many years ago–one particularly naughty girl used to pick nettles and put them in a vase in the bedroom. Being tied up and flogged with them was her thing. That was new even to me!! (PS–dont try it in the bedroom in bare feet!!!–bits fly everywhere.) But to be given that degree of submission, unbidden, is very humbling in a way—such a precious gift that must be cherished for what it is.
        But it’s certainly kept old age at bay. Personally I think the ultimate secret is just to ‘forget yourself’.—if I had to sum it all up concisely in 2 words. Do that and there really doesn’t seem to be any limit to it. I’m certain that I would have become bored with vanilla sex years ago.
        If you think what I have to say is interesting to your readers, I can expand my thoughts into a more comprehensive post if you wish. Always good to exchange ideas with other kinksters

  9. ALL of this – yes!! i have always been intrigued why women find pain and aggression a turn on. as a 47 year never married male – i have had more than my fair share of partners and ive found that just about every woman loves what i call beast mode: hair pulling, spanking, choking, growling, filthy talk….all of that!

    its even been my experience that some women have rape *fantasies*. of course in the fantasy, the perpetrator is a doppleganger for (insert favorite hunk here.)

    ive found that if you can make a woman feel safe and secure mentally and emotionally in her sexuality – stand BACK bc it’s about to go down!

    1. Hey the griot — I think one of the sexiest scenes in film history happens between Robert Redford and Katherine Ross in Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid. So hot!

  10. I had to read this post. And I must say, you know what you’re talking about. I have a t-shirt that my wife had made that says, “My wife – the other woman.” Most people don’t get it, but some do. This is why our marriage is good, and our sex life is great. My wife is the other woman. You know, that other woman who will do things the wife won’t. Some wives are too conservative to also be the freak their husband secretly wants. It’s probably why some beautiful hollywood wives found themselves being cheated on. Their husband wanted a freak in the bed, not some woman who thinks a man should be grateful just to be laying next to her. Men do want a lady in the streets, and a freak in the sheets.

  11. Bruce Bentley in Nashville, TN

    Ladies, we men really don’t know what you’re thinking. Tell us! I, for one, am amply willing to cooperate with your fantasies, but we are even less telepathic than ya’all are. If you don’t tell us, we really and truly don’t know. Your man may very well surprise you with his willingness to cooperate. I’d even ENJOY cooperating! Right now, I’ve lost my wife to a heart attack, so I’m available, but I have been married (was married for 11 years).

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