Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of Lice

It hath come to pass that a plague hath beset the Colleary family whereupon we were ravaged by lice.

No, they were not any of the particular louses that Shannon hath, in the past, lain with like the Whore of Babylon:

Whore of Babylonpic

No, no, this was a variety of louse that cares not with whom it beds down:


And so, it came to pass that Shannon called forth the mortal enemy of the average, ravening louse:
That's right heretics, it's the fucking lice fairies!
That’s right heretics, it’s the motherf#%king hair fairies!
And then came forth the most holy of head fairies to our salvation:

Kendra and Mary (who may indeed be the mother of the baby Jesus).

Here Kendra and Mary work their miracles up two mustachioed victims.
Here, Kendra and Mary work their miracles upon two disguised, mustachioed victims.

Four hours and two mortgage payments later, the lice were banished to the Seventh Ring of Hell where they immediately fell upon Satan due to his lustrous head of hair:

Back Satan, back I say!
Back Satan, back ye I say!

Meanwhile, the long-suffering martyr Shannon — who had, indeed, been infected by her pestilent progeny —

Stripped all lice beds:

Stripped bedpic

Soaked all lice brushes:

Lice brushes soakingpic

Labored to prepare a fabulous lice dinner:

Lice Dinnerpic

Quaffed a few glasses of lice beverages:

Lice Wine glasspic

Decided she probably deserved a lice dress from Boden:

Lice Boden rewardpic

And, as day passed into lice night, found a free-floating lice pill in her medicine cabinet.

She knew not from whence this pill cameth or what it was foreth, but yea she partook of it anyway.

She is not currently high from said pill whilst writing this post, although she would like to be.

Unfortunately, like most saints, Shannon hath only been high twice in her lifetime and even those two times she mutli-tasked; ironing pleated curtains, whilst doing calculus and erecting a bridge.

(the bridge to madness!!!)

Now the lice are gone but, much like an amputated limb, they still itch.

13 thoughts on “Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of Lice”

  1. I sure wish people paid me to help get rid of lice (btw…I’m a school nurse)! Although this is a very humorous post, it adds to the stereotype that I’m working hard against…lice panic and paranoia! Lice are a pain and nuisance, but they do not harbor or spread disease! Just sayin’!

  2. You know they make electric lice combs, right? It’s like the electric chair for lice. Zaps the live ones dead. Way cheaper than the lice goddesses above.

    1. Honestly the lice goddesses cost the first year of our daughters’ college funds. But there was no freaking way I would have been able to get rid of all of those lice without committing hari kari.

  3. A tip, from somebody who once had the creepy crawlies, and heard gruesome tales of a young child in day care who kept getting reinfested:

    DO check and sanitize not only couches, loose pillows, etc, but any fabric that heads rest against in the CAR(s). Poor family had washed everything, lo, multiple times, but kid kept picking up fresh nits in the car from the headrest.

    Lice is one reason I am always a little uneasy going to the movie theatre when they have those plush comfy seats with high headrests. (I have single-handedly just killed Hollywood and boosted Netflix, haven’t I?)

    FYI, lice are not something that happens to “dirty” people, in particular – they PREFER scalps that are clean and healthy. So being infested by lice is actually an HONOR.

    1. Beverly I have decided I am never washing my childrens’s heads anymore. Those lice will simply have to find more immaculate (as in the conception) heads to pillage.

  4. Are you SURE Mary the lice fairy is not putting lice back in? That’s called job security. BTW still laughing at the water boarding image.

  5. I had lice in the fifth grade. That was during the time when people still wore scrunchies… My mother decided that she could microwave the scrunchies to kill the lice. She was bragging about what an ingenious idea it was until they started igniting in the microwave (she got them out quickly and everything was OK). To this day we still joke about it. Every time I see a scrunchie I’m like, “Hey Mom you gonna microwave that?”

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