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I’m Prejudiced Against Women With Fake Breasts

The Alcoholic Hairdresser

… who erroneously dyed my blond hair black, then blamed it on my anti-depressents, then had to strip my hair of all color — which burned my scalp — which caused her to pull out a veritable washtub of red wine — which we both immediately downed through funnels and didn’t stop ingesting until I left the salon with light orange hair — that hairdresser is gone.

She’s either en-morgue-ed in some gin house somewhere or twelve stepping.

We won’t go too far to the dark side with our suppositions.

All this to say, I decided to return to the very same salon because it’s walking distance from my house. And if one can walk to one’s hairdresser one should. It helps L.A. feel more like a real city.

However, the only hairdresser left there with excellent coloring skills is a CFM-stiletto-heel wearing, aging minx with bleached platinum hair and voluminous breast implants.

We’ll call her Crystal.

When the alcoholic was coloring my hair, I’d gaze furtively at Crystal working on her clients, improbably standing for hours beneath the tonnage of those breasts.

What a sad state of affairs, I’d think.

She was obviously my age and trying to look 20. Her face didn’t move much. Her lips were suspiciously plump. And those ridiculous mammaries bobbled on either side of a Breast Cavern.

Cut To Yesterday:

I sit in a salon chair with each one of those large breasts beside my two ears as Crystal stands behind me checking my current hair color under the light.

We agree the highlights should be honey blond and I should do a full head. As she goes off to mix my color I wonder what we could possibly have to talk about for the next two hours?

It’s a known fact that women with fake breasts aren’t very smart.

Ok yes, I did have a brow lift/blaphorestomy in the summer of 2010. And I did look like a battered Vulcan for about a month.

But my plastic surgery is different. It’s different because … um … well … hmmmm … it just is.

Crystal returns with my color. I am pretending to be engrossed in Elle magazine. Because there are lots of pretty pictures and one-and-a-half actual articles.

Crystal begins her work. She asks me about my weekend. I answer monosyllabically. I don’t want to strain her mind too much. Another hairdresser stops by to chat with Crystal and they speak Farsi.

Okay, I don’t realize it’s Farsi until I ask Crystal after the other hairdresser left. I grudgingly ask if she’s Persian. She is. I grudgingly ask if she was in Iran during the revolution in 1979. She was. I become curious and start asking more questions.

Turns out she’s the only member of her family to leave Iran.

She left permanently when she was 22. She went to Canada for college and enjoyed freedoms the likes of which couldn’t be found in Iran under the rule of religious clerics.

She never returned to live in Iran and can’t visit now with the civil unrest created by current President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s government and the very real possibility we may be going to war with Iran.

As I listen, I think about how difficult it would be to pull up roots and move away from my entire family and culture to a country where I don’t speak the language or have any job or any friends.

It was Crystal’s desire to be the author of her own life, which led her to the United States.

The longer we talk, I forget Crystal’s breasts, lips, leopard-print leotard. I look past her body and into her courageous heart.

She makes my hair beautiful and when I get up to leave we embrace, her breasts and my judgment no longer between us.

Tags assigned to this article:
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  1. Deborah Stambler
    Deborah Stambler 22 February, 2012, 11:19

    Oh when we take a moment to look past the silicone! Cool story. I also walk to my hairdresser which makes me quite happy. My last foray into denying the grey its stronghold led to a discussion about dyslexia in kids. Beauty runs deep!

    Reply this comment
  2. Donna
    Donna 22 February, 2012, 14:32

    Oh, to have a decent salon within walking distance! I guess it goes to show you how everyone has her own story — if only we take the time to listen. Beautiful post!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 22 February, 2012, 16:40

      True. And I’m always surprised how much I have in common with people who seem so different from me.

      Reply this comment
  3. natalie
    natalie 22 February, 2012, 16:09

    thanks!! such a great post!! it really can be hard here not to judge or even look past it because it is sooooo in our face! And at times hard to understand why they need to do all of this to their body! but with that said, it is always good to try and get past it because you will easily loose sight of the superficial stuff

    Reply this comment
  4. Sharlene
    Sharlene 22 February, 2012, 18:03

    Once again I love your post. I am prejudice against people with obvious plastic surgery and I shouldn’t be. I have no idea what lead them to need to alter their appearance.

    Reply this comment
  5. Jamie
    Jamie 22 February, 2012, 18:48

    My whole family has fake breasts…except me.

    And they’ve all had them removed.

    I have breast implant phobia. Actually any kind of implant phobia…

    Take anything you want out of me, but don’t put anything in me! (except the occasional botox…I still need to try that)

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 22 February, 2012, 19:30

      Sweet girl — you are fortunate to need no adornment. looking forward to celebrating your birthday tomorrow. xo

      Reply this comment
  6. Jamie
    Jamie 22 February, 2012, 18:49

    correction…my Grandma is the only remaining relative with the fake ta tas

    Reply this comment
  7. tania luviano
    tania luviano 22 February, 2012, 19:36

    My hairdresser has huge fake breasts, i can’t stop staring at them!

    Reply this comment
  8. Adrienne
    Adrienne 22 February, 2012, 19:53

    I admit it, fake or not I have a tendency to side glance (read stare) at big boobies. I am fascinated by them, I don’t want them in any way shape or form, I just can’t imagine having to deal with them every day LOL

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 22 February, 2012, 21:22

      There must be a biological imperative regarding large breasts. Will research.

      Reply this comment
  9. Caryn B
    Caryn B 23 February, 2012, 20:28

    Getting past appearances….always difficult…especially as women….we need to give each other a break. : ) Great post as always….You are such a great writer….you should write a book…wait a minute : )

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 24 February, 2012, 09:32

      Hello Caryn. — you noticed my book! Finally someone did. It’s a bit old news as I wrote it when I was pregnant with my last child. 8 Years Ago!! Need to write a new book. Sigh.

      Reply this comment
  10. Vanessa
    Vanessa 24 February, 2012, 01:04

    I say to each is own. As long as they aren’t so huge they knock me over when they pass by me I’m fine. But great post!

    Reply this comment
  11. Tara @ secretsofamomaholic.com
    Tara @ secretsofamomaholic.com 8 March, 2012, 07:11

    Preconceived notions aren’t always what they seem to be…it’s nice finding out you were wrong about someone.

    Reply this comment

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