Sometimes You Gotta Put Your Boobs On The Table!

Last night —

I decided to play Monopoly with my daughters instead of allowing them to watch A Dolphin’s Tale for the fiftieth time. I was trying to be a good parent. This is what I got for my efforts.

Clare: (with a jaundiced eye)  Mom, stop lifting your boobs up and setting them on the table.

Me: You saw that?

Clare: Yes.

Bridget: Mommy put her boobs on the table?  That’s disgusting!

Me: Disgusting! Do you know why I have to pick my boobs up and put them on the table?  Because you sucked the life out of them.

Bridget: I didn’t ask to do that!

Me: I didn’t ask Jesus to give his life for me.  That’s why I resent Jesus.  I never asked him!

Clare: What do your boobs have to do with Jesus?

Me: It’s obvious!

Clare: No, it’s not!

Bridget: Wait. I thought we were Hanukkans?

Me: Sweet Jesus.

Clare: Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.

Bridget: Next time Mommy just wear your sleep bra.

Clare: The French women do it.

Kapow! Sound of self-inflicted gun shot wound. 

In case anyone wants to know I would like to have my breasts cremated.

Nothing a good bra can’t fix!


What don’t your kids appreciate?


15 thoughts on “Sometimes You Gotta Put Your Boobs On The Table!”

    1. Shannon Colleary

      And they keep sucking the life from us! They’re little, adorable vampires. If mine didn’t have freckles I’d cut ’em loose. And why is it my freckles are now considered sun damage?

    1. Shannon Colleary

      I just don’t want them to end up like Cloris Leachman’s (you’re too young to know who she is) in that movie where her breasts hang to her knees. Does anyone know the name of that movie?

  1. Shannon…you underestimate me. I LOVE Cloris Leachman.

    She played the funniest hooker in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid…

    And I watched Mary Tyler Moore from age 0-14 religiously. I heard Oprah did too…It’s a wonder we haven’t met.

    1. Shannon Colleary

      Jamie, send me your email and I will get your digits so we can have coffee once school starts up again!

  2. It’s only elbows you can’t put on the table; boobs are okay. And just what do kids think they get for dinner a lot of the time? Chicken Breasts, thank you very much.

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