Debaculous Holiday Eating

I coined a new word. “Debaculous.”

Ridiculous debacle. I’ve been eating like eight reindeer. But can I really call it “Holiday Eating?” I’ve had the same ignominious relationship with food for the last five years.

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Me: I’m not eating sugar for a week.

Rebellious Id (my animal brain): Oh, yeah? Let’s see how long your resistance holds out against me “carb”ivorous rapaciousness, because I want what I want when I want it and you can shag your skinny ass outa here!

Sound of candy cane cookies being snarfed, followed by pita chips and hummus, followed by toasted bagels and some kind of nut spread, followed by…you get the picture.

Then into the fray lurches The Shaming Mommy Voice (also in my brain):

I can’t believe you ate all that stuff. What’s wrong with you? Don’t you have any self-control you weakling?

Then I can’t button the button on my jeans which puts me in a foul temper and makes me a bitch-wagon with Henry and the girls.

And I don’t know to correct my attitude because I’m not fully conscious of what’s going on in my head; that I’ve overeaten, am mad at myself and am taking it out on innocent bystanders. It feels so good to take it out on them for about 30 seconds and then it feels bad which requires a cookie. You see the problem.

They say in the 12-step program (I had to go for being too sweet and loving) that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Counting points on Weight Watchers isn’t working. I just want to rebel against the points. I see those points coming and I just want to EAT THEM ALL like Godzilla ate all those Japanese tourists. Yowmyowmyowmyowm!

So after I have an Irish Coffee I’m going to dig through a trough of books in my outdoor office to see if I can find Geneen Roth’s “Women, Food and God,” which I read and ignored a year ago when Oprah and I were trying to lose weight.

“God,” because according to my skinny friend Jo, overeating (and over-spending for that matter) is a spiritual issue. Christ. (I meant that as an expletive. Which is rather low considering the time of year, but this is just the sort of self-loathing irreverence I’m dishing out).

Will get back to you on how I plan to implement this program. In the meantime, how do you manage your food? I need tools, people!

10 thoughts on “Debaculous Holiday Eating”

  1. I say, give up til the New Year. I have. By then, you will be close to a sugar coma and so desparate for greens that you’ll be eating your front lawn….

    1. Shannon Colleary

      Claudette — you just made me laugh! Like the moniker. Hope all is balmy in the Queen’s country. I just nibbled on one of our fichus bushes.

  2. Relax…and eat! I’ve heard the more people think about what they are eating the more they eat….

    I know you’re probably thinking, “what do you know you little twit. Once you hit 30 you are in for a rude awakening…” haha you’re probably right…..

    but I want you to enjoy your food!!!

    1. Ok Jamie – I’ve seen that 25-year old ass and I’d
      tap that! I’m not even gay, but I’d tap it!
      And according to that culinary killjoy Gineen
      Roth, if I enjoyed my food more I wouldn’t eat so
      much. Man I can’t stand that woman.
      And J, enjoy indulging. I think you can probably
      get away with it till 40.

  3. I read this as I am finishing off a bottle of wine.

    Where’s my keyboard?

    And I love ‘debaculous’. I will totally run that one in the ground.

    You’re a doll.

  4. LMAO you are so funny…

    i think you’re pretty hot, yourself!

    OMG did you hear about those women that with hook up with each other and don’t consider it cheating on their husbands because it is with other wives?….

    The way this conversation is turning it totally reminded me of that 😉

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