Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Okay, my name is actually Shannon Bradley-Colleary.
ON MARRIAGE AND SEX: Do you feel bad about fantasizing that you’re a hot-blooded Flamenco dancer having a torrid affair with George Clooney after an international dance competition in Firenze, Italia after which he drinks vodka out of your belly button? (Not that I have that fantasy. This is hypothetical).
ON PARENTING: Were you accused by your then 4-year old of “Cutting the Fun!”? (Again, hypothetical).
ON BEAUTY: Do you wish you knew how all of the celebrities over 40 look so good? I mean, are they moisturizing with yak semen?
ON BODY IMAGE: Could you solve Poverty if you spent less time wondering how to stop your thighs from rubbing together?
If you answered yes to any of these questions then this blog is for you and you should definitely sign up for my weekly newsletter so you won’t spiral out of control in the black nothingness of space like Sandra Bullock, only minus the part where she gets back to earth. (Thanks to George Clooney, I might add. I see there’s a recurring theme to this post).
I live in Los Angeles with my screenwriter husband Henry and my two daughters Clare (11) and Bridget (9). I began in Los Angeles as a Wacktress (waiter/actress – mostly waiter):
Then became a married, pregnant screenwriter:
Ultimately evolving into an I-need-some-creative-satisfaction blogger and a very bad, yet still bossy AYSO soccer referee for my daughters’ Girls-Under-8 team.
I coined the phrase “The Woman Formerly Known as Beautiful” when I was 8-months pregnant with Bridget, standing in line at the meat counter at Bristol Farms in Beverly Hills.
Five butchers (count ‘em … five!) were helping a young, non-pregnant Pussycat Doll select a pound of cackle while I festered swollenly nearby trying to order one freaking carne asada!
Eventually I passed out from hypoglycemia due to LACK OF RED MEAT and when the paramedics came they forgot to collect my 50-lbs.-up limp form off the ground because they were too busy helping the Pussycat Doll carry her boneless, skinless chicken cutlets to her car.
I started my blog because I needed a reinvention and loved the idea of an entrepreneurial business and world dominion.
In case you forgot due to a medical marijuana overdose …
I’ve been syndicated by AOL, London’s Daily MailOnline, The Today Show, CNN, Studio11LA, NPR, Raising America with Kyra Phillips, Babble and BlogHer. I’m a contributing blogger at The Huffington Post.
I was named one of BlogHer’s Voices of The Year in 2011, 2012 and 2013 and was selected to be one of the 12 KeyNote Speakers at the 2013 BlogHer conference in Chicago.
I’m naked on the internet because I had “fine art” nudes (emphasis on “fine art”) taken at age 26 and 46 to have better body image.
I’ve had three stepfathers and they all had mustaches. Now I have a mustache.
I lived on a boat named The Allegro in Antioch, California for six months when I was 9. I also get seasick.
I speak fluent Spanish. I’m particularly expressive with the curse words. Chinga mis dedos me duelen de typing!
My husband wrote the classic action film Face-Off with Nicolas Cage and John Travolta. He also wrote Lara Croft Tomb Raider, but fortunately Angelina didn’t try to steal him from me. I think I could take her if I had to.
I danced as a Suicide Blonde for INXS at the MTV video awards in 1990. My platinum wig fell off mid-routine so they never actually cut to me on camera. Then Oliver Stone tried to pick me up in the parking lot.
Gwyneth Paltrow came to see a play I was in before she was famous. She played my role in a different production a few months later. Evidently our career paths diverged from there.
I dated David Schwimmer and Brandon Lee (Bruce Lee’s son, for those who aren’t familiar with his too-brief body of work) before they became famous. People frequently become famous after meeting me (also after reading me – pass it on).
We took our daughters to South Africa in February of 2013 on safari and didn’t get eaten by leopards.
I want to grow up to be just like my husband. My daughters are my life.
Tips appreciated. You can simply put them in my virtual g-string via PayPal. However, comments and shares also make my day. And don’t forget to enlist in my reading boot camp in the action box below. You’ve gotta keep your laugh muscles in shape! xo S