Hello, my name is Shannon Bradley-Colleary.
ON MARRIAGE AND SEX: Do you worry your married sex life is lame and boring compared to other couples? Do you feel bad about fantasizing that you’re a hot-blooded Flamenco dancer having a torrid affair with George Clooney after an international dance competition in Firenze, Italia and that he drinks vodka out of your belly button? (Not that I have. That’s just hypothetical).
ON PARENTING: Are you concerned about the Bitcho-meter on your parenting? Is it too high? Too low? Does it have a pulse? Were you accused by your 4-year old of “Cutting the Fun!”? (Again, hypothetical).
ON BEAUTY: Do you wish you knew how all of the celebrities over 40 look so good? I mean, are they drinking yak semen and exfoliating with the pubic hair of Mormon virgins?
ON BODY IMAGE: Do you think about the mound of chub on your belly fifty times a day? Are you embarrassed about your neck? Could you have solved Poverty if you spent less time wondering how to stop your thighs from rubbing together?
ON HOLLYWOOD: Have you ever wondered if Gwyneth Paltrow stole your life? Or what it would be like to kiss and tell on David Schwimmer? Or to dance at the VMAs as a Suicide Blonde for INXS? Or what it was like to date a rising star who faded away too soon?
Do you want to cry (for me)? Do you need to laugh (at me)?
If you answered yes to any of these questions then this blog is for you and you should definitely sign up for my monthly newsletter.
This way you won’t miss a thing so your world won’t spin off its axis and you won’t end up spiraling out of control in the black nothingness of space like Sandra Bullock, only minus the part where she gets back to earth.
(Thanks to George Clooney, I might add. I see there’s a recurring theme here).
A LITTLE ABOUT ME:
I live in Los Angeles with my screenwriter husband Henry and my two daughters Clare (11) and Bridget (9). I began in Los Angeles as a Wacktress (waiter/actress – mostly waiter):
Then became a married, pregnant screenwriter:
Ultimately evolving into an I-need-some-creative-satisfaction blogger and a very bad, yet still bossy AYSO soccer referee for my daughters’ Girls-Under-8 team.
I coined the phrase “The Woman Formerly Known as Beautiful” when I was 8-months pregnant with Bridget, standing in line at the meat counter at Bristol Farms in Beverly Hills.
Five butchers (count ‘em…five!) were helping a young, non-pregnant Pussycat Doll select a pound of cackle while I festered swollenly nearby trying to order one freaking carne asada!
Eventually I passed out from hypoglycemia due to LACK OF RED MEAT and when the paramedics came they forgot to collect my 50-lbs.-up limp form off the ground because they were too busy helping the Pussycat Doll carry her boneless, skinless chicken cutlets to her car.
WHY I STARTED MY BLOG:
I’ve worked 13-years as a screenwriter and more often than not what originally excited me about a project changes drastically in development.
For better or worse the blog is all mine. It won’t pay for college (maybe the occasional bottle of gin?), but it’s my mistress who I’m always eager to get to.
In case you forgot due to a medical marijuana overdose …
STUFF THAT TELLS YOU HOW COVETED I AM:
I’m a contributing blogger at The Huffington Post.
I won BlogHer’s Voices of The Year in 2011, 2012 and 2013. I was selected, out of thousands, to be one of the 12 KeyNote Speakers at the 2013 BlogHer conference in Chicago.
RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME:
I’ve had three stepfathers and they all had mustaches. Now I have a mustache.
I lived on a boat named The Allegro in Antioch, California for six months when I was 9. I also get seasick.
I speak fluent Spanish. I’m particularly expressive with the curse words. Chinga mis dedos me duelen de typing!
My husband wrote the classic action film Face-Off with Nicolas Cage and John Travolta. He also wrote Lara Croft Tomb Raider, but fortunately Angelina didn’t try to steal him from me. I think I could take her if I had to.
I danced as a Suicide Blonde for INXS at the MTV video awards in 1990. My platinum wig fell off mid-routine so they never actually cut to me on camera. Then Oliver Stone tried to pick me up in the parking lot.
Gwyneth Paltrow came to see a play I was in before she was famous. She played my role in a different production a few months later. Evidently our career paths diverged from there.
I dated David Schwimmer and Brandon Lee (Bruce Lee’s son, for those who aren’t familiar with his too-brief body of work) before they became famous. People frequently become famous after meeting me (also after reading me – pass it on).
I have a digestive disorder I won’t name (IBS – irresistible beauty syndrome). After a year of profound suffering anti-depressants made it livable. Also, IBS is very sexy. Men flock in droves when they hear about it.
I had a mini-brow lift and blepharoplasty when I was of-a-certain-age despite the fact that I’m not vain or shallow in any way. Since then I no longer judge anyone who has plastic or cosmetic surgery. Except maybe Kate Gosselin because she scares me. Would not want to meet her in a desolate warehouse.
I’m obsessed with the Boden catalogue. It’s my Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. I want to live there, swimming in polka dots, nibbling on loud prints enjoying the phantasmagoria. However, they do charge you money for the clothes.
So, in an effort to beat my addiction I started a No Shopping Project called #71dressesin71days, during which I had to wear all of the 71 dresses I own (I am the Imelda Marcos of dresses) over 71 days before I could buy even one used thong.
I love to arm wrestle other moms and win. Especially my friend, call-name Tango 5-6, because she can do one-arm push-ups.
We took our daughters to South Africa in February of 2013 on safari and it was the best trip we’ve ever taken as a family. And we didn’t get eaten by leopards, which is good.
I admire my husband. I want to grow up to be just like him. My daughters are my life.