Shhhh.
I’m at the San Ysidro Ranch in Santa Barbara for my 10th wedding anniversary. Don’t tell anyone who might try to find me. Including my kids and husband. I’m alone. I am still married. I think. Kidding. I’m still married, 10 years today.
But Henry’s taking the kids to my moms after school, then driving up here from L.A. I came up early to take my 97-year old grandma to lunch at the Elk’s Lodge with her Ostomy group.
I’m not sure you appreciate what that means. Let me spell it out — everyone at the Elks Lodge is pushing a 100 and Ostomates poop in a bag.
But man can they party.
Before my butt had warmed the chair my grandma, Irma, Marge and Joanne had all ordered vodka tonics. At this stage in life you just gotta let it rip.
Needless to say I felt compelled to join them and before you know it we were swapping war stories and showing each other our tattoos. Fortunately no one whipped out their ostomy bag, but Joanne noticed I had a whisker on my chin.
Anyhow, all of that to say I’m in the Fig Room alone for the next two hours. Here is the Fig Room:
 |
| I would like to be buried in the Fig Room. |
I’m going to:
- Roll on the bed
- Lie on the couch
- Shamboozle in the bath tub
- Flip on the flat screen
- Mouth-vacuum the chocolate cookies
- Guzzle the wine
- Peruse books from The Fig’s exclusive library
- Laze on the enclosed patio sniffing lavender
- Give my Lady Garden a sprinkle on the bidet
- Snore under the covers with the filmy drape things drawn
- Belch like the gossamer, feminine waif I am
- Enjoy how the other half lives before I have to go back to breaking up Little Stinky Girl Rumbles in our backyard trampoline and pulling a white worm out of my cat’s mouth. (I wish that was a joke)
Not sure what I’m going to do when Henry gets here. I suppose we’ll celebrate our marriage. Meh.
(Just kidding, honey. I was a lame-ass fool until I met you. Just ask anyone in my family)
9 thoughts on “10th Wedding Anniversary”
Oooh that looks awesome! I hope you got some anniversary action in each corner of that room. Heh heh. Happy 10th Anniversary!
Hope that room looks messier by now. Happy Anniversary!
The room now looks like a Michael Vic pitbull fight just happened.
In a good way.
That is the best tribute I've read in a while…"I was a lame-ass fool until I met you." Hope you had a wonderful long weekend celebrating your annivesary!!
Thanks Elizabeth! We are back to reality, but I now remember who that guy was I married.
I am so jealous. For our 10th, we escaped to a trendy downtown hotel, but were kept up half the night by noise from the street, and then had to rush back uptown the next day to make lunch for my mother because it was Mother's Day (that was the trade-off for their babysitting). Our 15th (last year), hubby was in L.A., and I was in N.Y. My best pal took me out for a drink at 5 pm. Woo-hoo! This year we went out for dinner in Santa Monica, but were rushed through dinner and practically shoved out the door after a perfunctory "Happy Anniversary" dessert plate. I want a do-over, at a posh palace in SB, for years 10, 15, and 16! I might have to leave a copy of this blog post where he can *accidentally* find it.
I like the way your Machiavellian mind works. Read Sun Tzu's Art of War to maintain dominance in marriage, Grasshoppa. Just so you know the last nine anniversaries were dinner in town with maybe a sake shooter.
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