8 Signs my Husband Needs Sex

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How often do men need sex?, Shannon Bradley Colleary

Henry and me six weeks after we had Bridget. Which is when you can start having sex again.

It was time. I could tell it was time because Henry, who usually traverses the house with the stealth of a Native American tracking a herd of jittery American Bison, had begun stomping around and inadvertently slamming into furniture as if he’d become a gutshot version of one of the American Bison he was tracking.

(Henry doesn’t actually track American Bison. It’s a metaphor. For something. In this story. Good, right?)

Bottom line. Henry needed sex. I know when Henry needs sex for these reasons:

1. The aforementioned slamming around the house like a punch-drunk buffalo.

2. He eats cereal in the dead of night. I find the corpses of empty Cheerios and Captain Crunch boxes splatter-shot all over the kitchen floor in the morning.

3. I annoy the crap out of him. Like when I ask him, “How come you put so many sugary items in our daughters’ lunches?” he cries, “Why don’t you do the lunches, if you’re so worried about it? You try to get them to eat grilled chicken breasts and a Thermos of warm tomato soup, because they won’t fucking do it!”

4. He goes to bed at 7 p.m. with one pillow slung over his head so you can only see his right shoulder sticking out. And his right  shoulder is blaming me.

Just looking at it I know it’s saying, “You are a bad wife. This worthy man brings home the bacon, fries it up in a pan and is so exhausted by all of his Giving that he collapses into bed without asking anything for himself. And frankly Shannon, he shouldn’t have to ask!” Yes, his right shoulder says all of that.

5. He stops shaving. Because what’s the point? It’s a No-Sex self-fulfilling prophecy. Because Henry has a heavy beard. (He’s an Irishman. They need foliage to combat the frigid Irish rains of January, February, March, April, May … oh who am I kidding? It’s rains all year on that fucking little island!) If I try to kiss Henry with that prickly, stubble it’s like kissing razor blades. And no kissing means no Horizontal Mambo.

6. He starts to observe me intently as I tell stories at social gatherings. Admittedly, some of these are stories he’s heard before. (Like when I danced for INXS. And if he ever hears that one again – he says – he may have to kill himself).

If he’s been recently sexed up his eyes will simply glaze over in a benign fashion. But if he hasn’t been laid in a while, his eyes narrow – like a sniper’s gazing down the scope of his rifle – as if to say, “Are you bragging again? Is this yet one more story of how irresistible you were to movie stars and drummers? Why does it always have to be about you, you, you! If alcohol didn’t give me migraines I’d have a double Hennessey 1000 neat right, the fuck now!”

7. He tears-up watching The Battle of Stalingrad on The History Channel. You just know those guys were getting laid all over the place! They had a girl in every foxhole! Is he going to have to enlist to see some Action?

8. And finally, he won’t snuggle any more. Oh sure, he says he gets too hot when we snuggle and that incites his twitchy Restless Legs Syndrome, but I think it’s tit for tat. No tit? No tat. And I really do need to hold his body to fall asleep. Sigh.

It all came to a proverbial head on Saturday night when I was, yet again, accused of selfish assholicry by that sanctimonious right shoulder of Henry’s.

Something had to give.

I had a brief conversation with my … how to put it delicately … vagina? Yes. Vagina. That’s inoffensive. And accurate.

So I had a chat with my vagina, who has really been keeping her own counsel of late, smoking thin cigarettes and getting gel manicures, and asked her to put out.

She explained her hormones were really bugging her and that she, quite simply, wanted to be left to her own devices a bit longer. I threatened her. Reminding her that she’s no spring chicken. At almost 49 how much longer did she seem to think a penis would be interested in her? How many good years did she think she still had left?

She was unimpressed with this tactic. She reminded me that Helen Mirren’s almost 70 and is most certainly still getting laid, which left her, at the very least, another 20 years of alluring irresistibility. She really is on her high horse, that vagina of mine. Thank goodness my roundish tummy is humble.

I sighed. What to do? Suddenly I remember there’s more than one way to make a man happy and that intercourse was only one of them. And sometimes, not even the best one.

So I made the next hour about Henry. Without going into too much detail, there was a certain amount of limb stretching, back cracking, hot yoga-ing involved. And then one part of my body that was quite happy to please.

Let me tell you.

The next day I found all of the cereal boxes tucked, full and tidy, in the cupboard where they belong. Henry overheard me telling our neighbor the story of when my blonde wig fell off at the VMAs as I performed for INXS and he didn’t even roll his eyes! He shaved and smells like delicious sandalwood. And he was so quiet coming into the bedroom last night that it wasn’t until I felt his lips on the back of my neck that I knew he was there.

Henry, you deserve to be feted every day! I love you. S

How often do men need sex? Men, where do you stand?

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30 comments

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  1. C.C. Chapman
    C.C. Chapman 19 May, 2014, 11:19

    The simple answer is “as often as possible.”

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 19 May, 2014, 11:33

      C.C. – I wonder if all men agree? Would any of you admit to low libido. Any Mr. Roper’s out there? (yes, I know, I just dated myself, and not in the romantic sense)

      Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 19 May, 2014, 21:46

      C.C. you say this, but how does your penis feel about it. Have you even consulted him?? With all of those Pussycat Dolls coming in and out of your house don’t you think he deserves a little break?

      Reply this comment
  2. kathy radigan
    kathy radigan 19 May, 2014, 11:25

    Very funny! Surprisingly I find my husband suffers from some of the same signs. In fact I can tell when we have both gone too long when we start to have really stupid arguments! Glad the cereal is safe now! Lol!

    Reply this comment
  3. DeanaCal
    DeanaCal 19 May, 2014, 11:33

    Oh my gosh, the shoulder! In my case, it’s the left shoulder, but STILL! Also the buffalo slamming and irritability. Thanks for the post, now all these things are going to make me laugh, most likely making it all worse, but in the long run, I’m more inclined if I’m happy. :)

    Reply this comment
  4. Lori Lavender Luz
    Lori Lavender Luz 19 May, 2014, 11:45

    You are very observant.

    Reply this comment
  5. Cathy Chester
    Cathy Chester 19 May, 2014, 16:38

    What do you have down there, radar? Hahahahaha.

    I hope you pitched this post to BlogHer and will read it like you did last year. That would be GREAT! Think Ariana will love it?

    You should be doing standup, Shannon. So funny!

    Reply this comment
  6. Lisa Dineen Wrightson
    Lisa Dineen Wrightson 19 May, 2014, 16:55

    LOL ! OMG We must stop rewarding Bad behavior. We wouldn’t let our children get away with that… why is it that when some men want sex they act like spoiled children … Kicking feet and rolling on ground till get what they want. They could used a little Blake Shelton therapy… DONIG WHAT SHE LIKES .. That would get your man anything they like… Just dont burn the house down boys ! Hehehe ( This goes both ways gals )

    Reply this comment
  7. Trevor Cherewka
    Trevor Cherewka 19 May, 2014, 17:32

    Awesome post.

    I would have agreed with C.C and said “as often as possible” if you asked the question 3 months ago but now not so sure.

    You see, 3 months ago my wife went away on a family vacation for 10 days and due to schedule I was unable to go with her. While we had been apart before for “mens weekend” and “ladies weekend away” this was the first time we had been separated for this long…(in 20 years).

    Before my wife went away I could set my weekly schedule to our “snuggle times”. I would often remind her about our average but she saw no reason to increase it…it was just me apparently. My world, and my average were about to turn upside down.

    Upon her return from vacation we “snuggled” the first night, then the second night and then the next 12 nights in a row. Aunt Flo then came for a visit. We rested and were right back at it. I was on a batting streak that Joe DiMaggio would have been envious of….and it just kept going. It was like we were honeymooners again and I was lovin’ it. Well, my mind was loving it and I was loving that my wife was into it…my libido though, well, it was falling behind.

    I don’t want to sound like it was turning into a job but I started to miss having a coffee and sitting on the couch and relaxing. I was missing my lover just sitting beside me and falling asleep on my shoulder. On the other hand, we were “snuggling” a lot. What to do? And it was that question that made me realize that though I wanted it “as often as possible” my body had a limit. My libido had a quota it wanted me to maintain and I was well above that number.

    2 months later I can now report that our average..er, my average has slowed a bit but not enough to set my weekly schedule to (sweet). My wife is still way more forward since before the vacation and now I get my snuggle time and my coffee time too. You could say that I have the best of both worlds.

    So to answer your question on how often men need sex. In my case I would say as much as I can handle….or about 2.75 times a week.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 19 May, 2014, 21:38

      Trevor this may be my favorite comment of all time on my blog. You are such a doll and how lucky both you and your wife are to have found one another. The story you told just reminds me and us that marriage is an institution worth saving. That for all of its flaws in the hands of the right two people it can be filled with humor, passion, empathy and comfort. Thanks! xo S

      Reply this comment
  8. Ellen Dolgen
    Ellen Dolgen 19 May, 2014, 17:42

    You are HILARIOUS! I can’t write anymore…I am late for a meeting with my vagina.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 19 May, 2014, 21:39

      Hi Ellen – I would’ve responded sooner, but my vagina was having a shiatzu massage. It was exhausting.

      Reply this comment
  9. Lisa Froman
    Lisa Froman 19 May, 2014, 18:29

    Hmmmmm, maybe this is why my guy and I are fighting over everything these days: spinach, rolled eyes, what movie to watch. Ugh……………!

    Reply this comment
  10. Tom Ciomcia
    Tom Ciomcia 19 May, 2014, 21:53

    I just told my wife that my inner buffalo needs to get laid. As usual, she just shook her head and called me a moron.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 19 May, 2014, 23:03

      Tom– just warn her it’s not your fault if you go on a Count Chocula bender.

      Reply this comment
  11. Kimberly
    Kimberly 20 May, 2014, 22:09

    *rolls eyes* Since my hysterectomy 2 years ago, my “average” has waned some, truth be told…and MHH (my handsome husband) is generally pretty patient. But when he is overdue, oyyyy…I’ll hear all about how we “never,” or he’ll apologize for his “snuggling” waking me up (it’s not like he doesn’t know I work from home & that I don’t sleep as well as he does…what with all the snoring, right?) And then when we do “catch-up,” he just says how we need to do that more often…like tonight! So I agree with C.C. Chapman and Trevor Cherewka: as often as possible is hardly enough. ;)

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 20 May, 2014, 23:27

      Hi Kimberly — I suppose we must be grateful we are still pursued by our beaux

      Reply this comment
  12. Theresa
    Theresa 23 May, 2014, 09:27

    You probably don’t want to hear this, but I have learned the secret to having a very happy husband. I told him that every day he exercises at least 30 minutes (usually running on the treadmill), he will get lucky that night. It’s been almost four years now. So we “have fun” six or seven times a week. I’m 51, too, so I’m not a spring chicken. I tell people that sex is a lot like running for me. I don’t feel like doing it, I don’t want to do it, but when I make myself, it’s not bad! I can’t tell you how much this has improved our marriage. Incredible. :)

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 23 May, 2014, 10:27

      Theresa — I don’t know whether to high five you or strangle you! But I know for sure that your hubby is one lucky, happy man!

      Reply this comment
  13. Doug Smith
    Doug Smith 23 May, 2014, 13:47

    It might depend on how you define sex (gee I sound like a former President). I would say that even in my prime I did not want intercourse as often as possible. However, we did enjoy other related activities more frequently. Today, I would say my libido has cooled a bit. I would have to think about whether or not I display any particular traits when I have gone too long – I have not noticed, but maybe I need to be more self observant.

    Reply this comment
  14. Rodolfo Fuentes
    Rodolfo Fuentes 23 May, 2014, 14:38

    My comment on this subject is that for a couple there has got to be communication, not asumption, why? because then the problems begin, and he goes his way and she goes hers and with complaints etc. For the most part sex should be a part of marriage life while the marriage still intact and while both the man and his wife are young and strong and healthy, I know that many would call men the selfish ones for not considering the wife’s wants or lack of, but again it is a union and part of that is sex. In my opinion if the wife finds herself not wanting it because I don’t know why she wouldn’t but at least try to make sure that her man is satisfied. Many women complaint and even divorce because the men cheat, but although many cheat because, as a man I can tell you we are pigs, but for the most part it is because of lack of action at home, and so you meaning women want to keep your man and happy, then think of him and not as one lady said your vagina, use all means available to please him, your hands, your mouth, I don’t know but do it or you will loose him. Now once you are 90 years old then I can understand that your body doesn’t feel or can go the distance, but even then you will find couples, very rare that at that age, they still play and have their fun. So think and do it.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 23 May, 2014, 16:49

      Rodolfo I agree with you completely. I do think it is a wife’s privilege to make sure her husband feels satisfied in bed. I know there are many situations where this might be impossible — a couple whose needs are absolutely polar opposite, for instance. But I do think in marrying you are saying that you agree to remain sexually desirable to one another and sensitive to one another’s needs. It ain’t always perfect, there will be lulls and dry spells, but as long as there is goodwill I believe things work out.

      Reply this comment
  15. Kathleen at Middletini
    Kathleen at Middletini 26 May, 2014, 20:57

    Be grateful. Thanks to the U.S. Navy, I only see my boyfriend in person once per month, if I’m lucky. During that time, all my orifaces are happy to be there. This is the status quo for the next 9 years. Unless either of our exes volunteer to move to the opposite coast, there is no solution other than Skype, cold showers, and good airfares at opportune times.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 26 May, 2014, 21:40

      Kathleen — there is something intoxicating about long distance love affairs, but I also hope one day you’ll have him so close you’ll have the luxury to be neglectful from time to time.

      Reply this comment
  16. Mya
    Mya 3 August, 2014, 08:02

    Love this post!
    It opens the eyes of women who are not even married yet… like myself!
    Great Teacher! :)

    x

    Reply this comment

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