• When Hot Couples Have Lame Sex

    March 6th, 2013

    I first met Svetlana and her husband Magnus at my friend Caprice’s Family Fourth of July pool party. Despite the one hundred-plus attendees, when the couple entered the party a hush descended.

    Svetlana brushed the underbelly of six feet high. Her legs could have been scaffolding for the Burj Khalifa in Dubai. Her lips were pillowy enough to float fifteen Cuban refugees all the way to Florida. Her green eyes smoldered the paint off every wall she passed. And don’t get me started on Magnus.

    Okay, get me started on Magnus. Byronic, golden curls, eyes the same sparkling blue as a Juneau, Alaskan glacier, a smile Bobby Sherman or (if you’re not as ancient as I) Justin Bieber would kill for and a 21-gun salute on each bicep.

    All I could think was: Please make a sex tape.

    Cut to: Two months later Svetlana and I are invited by our mutual friend to a ladies’ night out. After bolstering myself with a Grey Goose martini and several slices of pita bread slathered with slabs of hummus I turned to Svetlana and said, “You and Magnus must have hot sex, may Henry and I join you?”

    Okay. I didn’t really ask that last part. But in response to my assertions that their sex life must be hot Svetlana replied, “Not really.”

    Wait? What?

    “But Magnus has all those muscles and a cleft chin and you have no cellulite and your hair is black silk I’d like to have woven into an evening shrug.”

    “It’s all relative,” said Svetlana stifling a yawn. “When Magnus gets home from work and wants sex I tell him he has to take a shower. He’s a sous chef at a fish restaurant and he comes home smelling like gutted herring. But Magnus hates night time showers, so he goes into the bathroom, turns on the shower water and pretends he’s taking a shower when he’s really just dousing himself everywhere with Drakkar Noir.

    “Then he comes in the bedroom and says he showered and I yell, ‘Liar! You just doused yourself with Drakkar Noir and it only masks the fish stench. It only masks it!’  Then he yells, ‘Shrew! You know showering at night messes up my Ph balance!’ And then we have lame, smelly sex. Also, I’d really like to have sex with a black man.”

    To which I reply, “Why do all of my heroes end up having feet of clay?”

    Cut to: Last week I’m having lunch with my former roommate and dear friend Maggie. Maggie’s hair started turning gray when she was 25, she wears glasses and brushes the underbelly of 5′ 4″. Her husband Connor is also bespectacled, mostly bald and currently sports a bit of extra padding in his mid-section.

    When I asked Maggie how she and Connor were doing – and really I just wondered how their health was holding up since we’re all over forty – she said, “I don’t know what’s going on, but we’re having the hottest sex of our marriage! Connor just seems to have so much stamina lately!”

    The shit-eating grin on her face was enviable.

    Maggie and Connor are rounding the corner on their twelfth year of marriage and I found out a few months back that Svetlana and Magnus got divorced. She’s currently shacked up with a “black guy” and I have a sneaking suspicion their sex may not be any better than the sex she had with her Drakkar Noir husband. Turns out hot sex isn’t only for the genetically blessed.

    I’d love to know how you keep your sex life spicy! Here are some hot couples who must have lame sex.

    Ryan can only have sex with Blake if he can see himself in a mirror.

    Ryan can only have sex with Blake if he can see himself in a mirror.

    Gisele's hipbones cause chafing during intercourse.

    Gisele’s hipbones cause chafing during intercourse.

    Brad came close to smothering to death in Angelina's lips.

    Brad almost smothered to death in Angelina’s lips.

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    28 comments > Write one

    1. Bwahahahaha….”smothered to death in Angelina’s lips”. I so love you for making me literally LOL. My coworkers are jealous. :)

      • caryl says:

        Bahahahahahahaaaaa! OMG that had me rolling! I don’t know which is my fave, the smothered to death comment or your response!

    2. Alexandra says:

      Another great one lol

    3. Carol D says:

      What a great story. I think that great sex is all a state of mind. And, I also think that really good looking people are too worried about their appearance to really enjoy it and get all messy.

    4. There is, indeed, a certain amount of gratification that less than beautiful people are having better, okay, really hot sex, while the beautiful people aren’t. Doesn’t entirely surprise me because “beautiful” people are often very self-involved and really hot sex requires the exact opposite. Is that too serious and philosophical?

    5. Pattie says:

      I’ve heard of some people only being able to do stuff when they’re sweaty. Big ew for me. I would NOT be able to handle that.

    6. Drew says:

      Hot Sex? I’d settle for some of Svetlana’s “lame, smelly sex” — but I do agree with Anne Louise that really hot sex requires a focus on your partner, not yourself.

    7. I love your writing….. I had to stop by your blog just to see what you were up to and as usual you never disappoint. I use to wear a t-shirt in my late teens early twenties that had two men making love on it, and it said “safe sex, is HOT SEX!”

    8. Sharona Zee says:

      I love you!

      I don’t want to see Maggie and Connor doing it, but I’m so glad they are

      50′s are my hottest decade (so far)

    9. BelindieG says:

      Isn’t “lame” considered to be an ableist slur?

    10. It does seem like hotter people would have hotter sex, but in the end I think it’s really just about the connection between the couple. Thanks for the hilarious post!

    11. Lady Jennie says:

      This post cracked me up a lot – the topic and your writing! :-)

    12. IttyBitty says:

      Shannon,
      Hahhaahah!!! Love it! And barely brushing the underbelly of 5″1′, a hubby who is 6″2′ ….my being 62 (and he being my boy toy at 55), and both of us perfectly imperfect, I have to say that sex is the best it’s ever been.

      I truly believe that truly wonderful sex is seriously related to how much you are willing to give, not what you take.

      Here’s to Maggie and Connor – may it always continue for them!

      IttyBitty

    13. Tara says:

      Dang – first day on your site and I’m spending too much time here – need to get off this – but this section is great! I’m cracking up. I think I dated a Magnus… good looking but LAME :) haha.
      Oh and to IttyBitty – I have a boy toy too, I have ten years on my hubby of almost 6 years – FANTASTIC!!

    14. [...] a reader contacted me regarding my Married Sex series to tell me her story in the hopes of getting some answers.  We’ll call my reader Maggie and [...]

    15. [...] a reader contacted me regarding my Married Sex series to tell me her story in the hopes of getting some answers.  We’ll call my reader Maggie and [...]

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    17. GeeVes says:

      Can I state, now that it is Summer, That HOT sex (ie: Sex when it is HOT outside) is HORRIBLE! Like we can only do it RIGHT infront of the AC. It gets so sticky that you are like “oh, don’t touch me….please touch me…ok stop touching me. Get off me. Turn the AC towards me…I LOVE YOU!”
      Sex in the summertime….bleh…the remedy….SHOWERTIME Together!

    18. […] 2. Habitual Body Monitoring. 3. Eating Disorders. 4. Body Shame. 5. Depressed Cognitive Function. 7. Sexual Dysfunction. 8. Lower Self-Esteem. 9. Lower GPA. 10. Lower Political Efficacy. 11. Female […]

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