When Hot Couples Have Lame Sex

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I first met Svetlana and her husband Magnus at my friend Caprice’s Family Fourth of July pool party. Despite the one hundred-plus attendees, when the couple entered the party a hush descended.

Svetlana brushed the underbelly of six feet high. Her legs could have been scaffolding for the Burj Khalifa in Dubai. Her lips were pillowy enough to float fifteen Cuban refugees all the way to Florida. Her green eyes smoldered the paint off every wall she passed. And don’t get me started on Magnus.

Okay, get me started on Magnus. Byronic, golden curls, eyes the same sparkling blue as a Juneau, Alaskan glacier, a smile Bobby Sherman or (if you’re not as ancient as I) Justin Bieber would kill for and a 21-gun salute on each bicep.

All I could think was: Please make a sex tape.

Cut to: Two months later Svetlana and I are invited by our mutual friend to a ladies’ night out. After bolstering myself with a Grey Goose martini and several slices of pita bread slathered with slabs of hummus I turned to Svetlana and said, “You and Magnus must have hot sex, may Henry and I join you?”

Okay. I didn’t really ask that last part. But in response to my assertions that their sex life must be hot Svetlana replied, “Not really.”

Wait? What?

“But Magnus has all those muscles and a cleft chin and you have no cellulite and your hair is black silk I’d like to have woven into an evening shrug.”

“It’s all relative,” said Svetlana stifling a yawn. “When Magnus gets home from work and wants sex I tell him he has to take a shower. He’s a sous chef at a fish restaurant and he comes home smelling like gutted herring. But Magnus hates night time showers, so he goes into the bathroom, turns on the shower water and pretends he’s taking a shower when he’s really just dousing himself everywhere with Drakkar Noir.

“Then he comes in the bedroom and says he showered and I yell, ‘Liar! You just doused yourself with Drakkar Noir and it only masks the fish stench. It only masks it!’  Then he yells, ‘Shrew! You know showering at night messes up my Ph balance!’ And then we have lame, smelly sex. Also, I’d really like to have sex with a black man.”

To which I reply, “Why do all of my heroes end up having feet of clay?”

Cut to: Last week I’m having lunch with my former roommate and dear friend Maggie. Maggie’s hair started turning gray when she was 25, she wears glasses and brushes the underbelly of 5′ 4″. Her husband Connor is also bespectacled, mostly bald and currently sports a bit of extra padding in his mid-section.

When I asked Maggie how she and Connor were doing – and really I just wondered how their health was holding up since we’re all over forty – she said, “I don’t know what’s going on, but we’re having the hottest sex of our marriage! Connor just seems to have so much stamina lately!”

The shit-eating grin on her face was enviable.

Maggie and Connor are rounding the corner on their twelfth year of marriage and I found out a few months back that Svetlana and Magnus got divorced. She’s currently shacked up with a “black guy” and I have a sneaking suspicion their sex may not be any better than the sex she had with her Drakkar Noir husband. Turns out hot sex isn’t only for the genetically blessed.

I’d love to know how you keep your sex life spicy! Here are some hot couples who must have lame sex.

Ryan can only have sex with Blake if he can see himself in a mirror.

Ryan can only have sex with Blake if he can see himself in a mirror.

Gisele's hipbones cause chafing during intercourse.

Gisele’s hipbones cause chafing during intercourse.

Brad came close to smothering to death in Angelina's lips.

Brad almost smothered to death in Angelina’s lips.

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28 comments

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  1. Wanda the Whackadoodleologist
    Wanda the Whackadoodleologist 6 March, 2013, 09:57

    Bwahahahaha….”smothered to death in Angelina’s lips”. I so love you for making me literally LOL. My coworkers are jealous. :)

    Reply this comment
    • caryl
      caryl 11 March, 2013, 17:55

      Bahahahahahahaaaaa! OMG that had me rolling! I don’t know which is my fave, the smothered to death comment or your response!

      Reply this comment
  2. Alexandra
    Alexandra 6 March, 2013, 10:38

    Another great one lol

    Reply this comment
  3. Carol D
    Carol D 6 March, 2013, 10:47

    What a great story. I think that great sex is all a state of mind. And, I also think that really good looking people are too worried about their appearance to really enjoy it and get all messy.

    Reply this comment
  4. Anne Louise Bannon
    Anne Louise Bannon 6 March, 2013, 12:04

    There is, indeed, a certain amount of gratification that less than beautiful people are having better, okay, really hot sex, while the beautiful people aren’t. Doesn’t entirely surprise me because “beautiful” people are often very self-involved and really hot sex requires the exact opposite. Is that too serious and philosophical?

    Reply this comment
  5. Pattie
    Pattie 6 March, 2013, 16:37

    I’ve heard of some people only being able to do stuff when they’re sweaty. Big ew for me. I would NOT be able to handle that.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 7 March, 2013, 14:12

      I can’t stand oil. Don’t even think about bringing Crisco into bed with me!

      Reply this comment
  6. Drew
    Drew 7 March, 2013, 11:46

    Hot Sex? I’d settle for some of Svetlana’s “lame, smelly sex” — but I do agree with Anne Louise that really hot sex requires a focus on your partner, not yourself.

    Reply this comment
  7. Presley's Pantry
    Presley's Pantry 7 March, 2013, 20:13

    I love your writing….. I had to stop by your blog just to see what you were up to and as usual you never disappoint. I use to wear a t-shirt in my late teens early twenties that had two men making love on it, and it said “safe sex, is HOT SEX!”

    Reply this comment
  8. Sharona Zee
    Sharona Zee 10 March, 2013, 08:38

    I love you!

    I don’t want to see Maggie and Connor doing it, but I’m so glad they are

    50’s are my hottest decade (so far)

    Reply this comment
  9. BelindieG
    BelindieG 11 March, 2013, 15:44

    Isn’t “lame” considered to be an ableist slur?

    Reply this comment
  10. Jen at Ovuline
    Jen at Ovuline 12 March, 2013, 13:56

    It does seem like hotter people would have hotter sex, but in the end I think it’s really just about the connection between the couple. Thanks for the hilarious post!

    Reply this comment
  11. Lady Jennie
    Lady Jennie 17 March, 2013, 14:06

    This post cracked me up a lot – the topic and your writing! :-)

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 17 March, 2013, 20:40

      Miss Jennie! Are you going to Chicago this year? I can’t decide whether to go or not. I’m a bit conferenced lazy.

      Reply this comment
  12. IttyBitty
    IttyBitty 18 March, 2013, 10:09

    Shannon,
    Hahhaahah!!! Love it! And barely brushing the underbelly of 5″1′, a hubby who is 6″2′ ….my being 62 (and he being my boy toy at 55), and both of us perfectly imperfect, I have to say that sex is the best it’s ever been.

    I truly believe that truly wonderful sex is seriously related to how much you are willing to give, not what you take.

    Here’s to Maggie and Connor – may it always continue for them!

    IttyBitty

    Reply this comment
  13. Tara
    Tara 17 April, 2013, 15:36

    Dang – first day on your site and I’m spending too much time here – need to get off this – but this section is great! I’m cracking up. I think I dated a Magnus… good looking but LAME :) haha.
    Oh and to IttyBitty – I have a boy toy too, I have ten years on my hubby of almost 6 years – FANTASTIC!!

    Reply this comment
  14. GeeVes
    GeeVes 3 July, 2013, 06:02

    Can I state, now that it is Summer, That HOT sex (ie: Sex when it is HOT outside) is HORRIBLE! Like we can only do it RIGHT infront of the AC. It gets so sticky that you are like “oh, don’t touch me….please touch me…ok stop touching me. Get off me. Turn the AC towards me…I LOVE YOU!”
    Sex in the summertime….bleh…the remedy….SHOWERTIME Together!

    Reply this comment

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