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Why The Dental Suicide Rate is so High (Gestation: 32 Weeks, 2 Days)

Not too close. Back it upppp!

Not too close. Back it upppp!

I’m in the stage of pregnancy where I resemble a post-op frontal lobotomite. I spelled “of” “uv” the other day. I knew it looked wrong, but couldn’t figure out why.  

I tried to introduce my mother to our pizza delivery guy and completely forgot her name. It begins with a K. Katey? Katarina? Kendall? No, I’m thinking of Kendall Jackson, the wine the I can’t have. In any case, I hardly recognize myself anymore. Which brings me to the dental mirror. Circuitously I’ll admit, but to the dental mirror nonetheless.

I have bonding on a front tooth I broke in half when I was nine and ran laughing face first into a parked VW van (I was a genius even back then). And apparently I’ve been grinding my teeth at night causing the bonding to break. So I need new bonding and a plasticine dental guard to wear when I sleep at night. One more tool of seduction in my armory.

Word of advice.

Never look into a dental mirror unless you’re eleven. There’s the overhead fluorescent light that primes the pump for disaster. Then there’s the magnification of the mirror that delivers the fatal blow.

The dentist repairing my bonding was a young, Asian woman with flawless skin. I was admiring the plump, collagenic sheen of her cheeks when she asked me to hold the dental mirror to see how my tooth looked. Unwittingly I did as instructed, my eyes moving from her round, youthful cheek to the dental mirror and my shockingly grizzled flesh.  

My face had become the Grand Canyon.  

I could practically see the little burros carrying tourists down my Glebeller Frown Lines into my Nasolabial Folds, finally arriving in my Marionette Lines to set up camp.

For a moment I panicked, scrabbling for my cell phone to call the next available plastic surgeon. Then the dentist flipped the mirror over to the non-magnification side saying this was the best way to view my tooth. Everything was a bit more manageable, but I ask you: Could Lot’s wife un-turn into a pillar of salt after looking back at the Kingdom of Sodom. NO! One can’t un-see what one has seen. No wonder the dental suicide rate is so high!

Then a strange thought occurred to me. Who gives a rat’s ass?

Still, I ordered the night guard so I don’t break anymore bonding. Why go looking for trouble?


Tags assigned to this article:
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