This is what I did to prepare for my 30th high school reunion:
1. Over-indulge in wine coolers and nervous carbohydrate eating.
2. Gain 5 lbs.
3. Develop new mantra: “You’re still a skinny bitch.”
4. Wax my mustache.
5. Do 15 girl push-ups.
6. Yell at my husband for being in the football stands instead of in the end-zone with our reunion group at the Homecoming game.
I believe my exact words to him were, “People want to meet you. You’re not doing your job!”
7. Buy an inflatable Granny sex doll as a gift for the winner of Who Came The Furthest For The Reunion.
Stick my pinky finger in the little hole in the inflatable Granny sex doll and realize it isn’t really functional for more than a pinky finger.
Realize I’m having finger sex with an inflatable Granny sex doll, who I finally notice has gray pubic hair, at the bar of the DoubleTree by Hilton.
8. Buy Man of Steel men’s briefs with a red cape on the back as a gift for the winners of Who Has Been Married Longest.
Try the briefs on. Covet the briefs. Buy a pair for myself. Everyone should have a cape on their ass.
9. Spanx myself to within an inch of my life.
Do 100 fanny tucks after Spanxing myself. Repeat mantra: “You’re still a skinny bitch.”
10. Faint briefly during the over-cooked chicken dinner due to lack of oxygen, due to binding Spanx.
Come to on the dance floor twerking the Fart Machine gifted to the Couple With The Most Children to the strains of Welcome to the Jungle.
Because farts are funny and not tacky at all.
I can hardly wait for the 40th!!
How doth thou preparest thyself for big events??
14 thoughts on “10 Things I did to Prepare for my 30th High School Reunion (Before and After Photos)”
Our local smalltown paper had a wonderful social editor. Every occasion she reported on ended with the phrase,”and a good time was had by all!” Bless Vi, she could have written it about your reunion, by the looks of the photos! So happy for all of you, & Bless Shannon for all the hard work! XOXO
Rosie I truly believe a good time was had by all. That makes me so happy.
Of course you looked great. More importantly, you had a good time.
How do you twerk a fart machine?
With gusto.
Hilarious Shannon! I told my husband, that I had so much spandex/Spanx on that I was mummified! I also remembered why I don’t wear high heels anymore: Those little mamas hurt. Got home; took off all the Spanx; had some really good wine with Roy; and fondly remembered the evening. Likewise, looking forward to the 40th!
It was great seeing the two of you. You looked mahvelous!
Red is a fabulous color! Stands out from all the little black dresses!
And I’ve always got to stand out. It’s pathological.
How many kids did the winners of Couple With The Most Children have? Just curious! 🙂
Thanks for the Granny Sex Blow Up doll…was trying to figure out the connection…she “came” the longest, farthest? Not sure, but very proud to walk away with a naked lady in my arms as my date. I see how small those rear end and vaginal holes are…couldn’t even fit a pinkie finger in them. Not that I tried… No action in this car ride home.
Inga I love your insouciance. Isn’t it wonderful to no longer be as hmmm, what’s the right word? Cloistered as we were in high school? I only wish you lived closer so we could have a mom’s night out and drink from a Cougar Town sized glass of wine. So lovely to see you and I don’t think I’m alone in saying you were one of the most gorgeous women in the room last weekend. And kindest. xo S
Well I didn’t wear a red dress, and clearly I should have. You look fabulous. Glad you had a great night!
Foxywinepocket– what is it about a red dress?
Oh my God. I just found your site and landed on this post. I love it. Thank you!
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