I met my friend Mistress Justine for lunch on Friday.
That’s not her real name, but it should be.
She and her husband, Raoul (also a pseudonym) have been married 15 years.
The last time we spoke, Justine admitted their sex life had stagnated.
They’d just gone through a major house remodel, career remodels and are raising two high-energy kids.
But as I looked up from my vegan menu, I was blinded by the vision of a smoking, hot, sex Goddess walking through the door.
She wore a white column dress, sky-high white pumps snapped closed with metal buckles and a black, leather corset peeking from her décolletage.
“What the hell happened to you?” I railed at Justine.
- Had she been to dominatrix school?
- Stripper school?
- A Charlie’s Angels retreat?
“You lost weight!” I accused.
She shrugged, “Maybe 15 pounds.”
Maybe 15 pounds? If I lost 15 pounds I’d take out an ad in the Enquirer. I’d tattoo it to my forehead.
“How did you do it?” I breathed.
“Sex twice a day with Raoul.”
It was at this moment I thought I might have to ditch the friendship. Sex twice a day with your own husband? In what universe does that happen?
Apparently, it happens when a marital dry patch leaves you so parched that you consider sexting one of your colleagues.
Because you care about your marriage, you go home and tell your husband you’re considering sexting one of your colleagues, which effectively gets his attention.
Then this happens:
- You Nair the hair off of his entire body. Yes. His entire body.
- He Nairs the hair off of your entire body.
- You put a lock on your bedroom door, so the kids can’t come in.
- You buy corsets instead of bras.
- He buys you a harness — yes, you read that correctly — a harness for your 46th birthday.
- You send photographs of the Anthony Weiner variety to each other throughout the day.
All of which, apparently, leads to sex twice a day in real, not virtual, life.
I sat, mouth agape over my peach tea and bean-sprout burger, opposite Mistress Justine.
I thought I’d gone the extra mile by role-playing with my husband and having the stay-at-home date when our kids had sleepovers.
I thought pruning the lady garden was edgy. Apparently, I’m the Pollyana of wife dominatrices.
I worried Mistress Justine and Raoul were swinging, thinking at this point anything might be possible.
She said “no.” It wouldn’t work in her marriage, and why would she want to do that when she has this?
She treated me to an Instagram of Raoul’s above-the-waist hairless torso.
In return, I bestowed the greatest compliment one married woman can give to another, “Raoul’s doable.”
“He is, isn’t he?” cooed Mistress Justine, as if he were an adorable purse dog.
“Oh, Henry’s doable too!” she assured me.
“Yes, he is.” I agreed, somewhat mollified after her gratuitous display of marital, sexual satisfaction.
I bid Mistress Justine adieu and watched a phalanx of men’s heads turn in the wake of her pheromones. I quickly decided …
First order of business. Install a lock on our bedroom door.
Second order of business — well, I’ll just keep that one to myself. But if you happen to see me in an equine store trying bits in my mouth, just look the other way, people. Look the other way.
What do you do to incite adventurous sex with your spouse? (PG-13 and feel free to include poetry)
38 thoughts on “Long Marriage = Adventurous Sex?”
This reminds me why I always try to hit up your blog BEFORE I GET THE KIDS HOME FROM SCHOOL.
…Anyway to spice things up with my hubby, I like to break out my good ol’ Star Wars Slave Leia costume. You know, from the Jabba the Hut scene.
OOoh, I need to get one of those!!
A lock on the bedroom door is the best thing any couple can do for their marriage quickly followed by a generous sized locking drawer/cabinet for all the gear that great sex entails. And that my dear is the extent of things that I can say that are Pg-13 rated.. everything else would melt the letters off your blog screen 🙂
Good for you Maddie!
My husband likes for me to dance like I’m a stripper for him. He gets so turned on that I do too!! Plus, we like to call each other during the day and talk dirty. Not filthy, just dirty.
I love this! I have never tried stripper dancing. I hear it does wonders for the thighs. Perhaps this is my next adventure.
What a delightful post! For me, it’s sexy (French) lingerie and a great pair of heels. Preferably, enjoyed with my Frenchman who happens to be playful and very funny.
Not a bad combination, I think…
Hot heels. Corsets. Playful Frenchman.
(Works for me.)
Playful Frenchman! Perhaps Henry needs to develop a continental accent?
Hahahahaha! I LOVE reading your posts! You truly have a gift! I was able to picture the entire lunch! Boy OH Boy…I just don’t think they make enough Nair for my bountiful landscape!!!
Jasmine Nair wouldn’t touch this Czech forest. Industrial strength laser treatments perhaps.
Oy. I suppose if my husband didn’t have to get up so early in the morning to get to work, he might be more interested. But that’s a big maybe. Sigh.
Trust me, we are not in the Mistress Justine/Raoul groove. A good back scratch can be satisfying.
Wait… moms have sex?
Mind = BLOWN
They say married men have a lot more sex than single men. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.
Love corsets because they give me the waist I no longer have, but I’ve never been able to dance in a sexy way to my husband, although I recall an ocassion when I was drunk
A little libation can help. However Henry doesn’t drink at all and afterward I often wonder how a sober person perceives a tipsy temptress. Sigh.
Great article! I think this reminds me that once we have kids that I should make sure we both make an effort to make things hot in the bedroom.
I am NOT advocating twice a day. To me that’s the married sex Olympics.
Twice a day? I think I will just stick to Weight Watchers.
How I hate Weight Watchers. I always fail. I also fail at twice a day. Twice a week is victory. This is kind of depressing. Must go eat an 18 point scone.
I read this on HuffPo and linked to your page. Loved the story. My story is a bit different. Married 12 years, always been a bit of a kinkster and my wife has known since the beginning. She just won’t go there with me. I try not to be pushy. She’s says if she wears this or does that then where does it all end. I’m trying to make her into something she’s not. I think the most important part of the story is the admission that “I’m going to start sexting” XYZ person. It opens dialogue. I’m not sure what would happen in my situation but it would probably result in another rejection and humiliation (not the type I want to enjoy ;)) Thanks for writing.
Dear Jason — thanks for your honesty. Sex is such a sticky wicket. Both my husband and I were fairly repressed when we met. No discussion of fantasies, let alone acting them out. There was one point in our marriage where I was so sexually bored I finally told him we had to shake things up or one day I might end up in a situation. I was shocked he took it so well and we made some changes. As the years go by I’ve realized I can trust him with what I consider to be my kinkiness, I’m hoping we can continue to discover and explore with each other. Fingers crossed you confess your concerns to your wife and she hears that your needs aren’t being met.
Thank you for the response. Yes, my fingers are crossed. Part of my profession, and certainly most of my life, is putting “it” out there for criticism, the possibility of rejection, or failure. (falling off a climb, losing a trial, being rejected in requests). So I will continue. It is strange to think, though I have thought, that I would tell my wife, “hey, I not only want this but I need this and you can’t or won’t so I’m going somewhere else. I promise I’ll be safe.” But there comes a time . . . .
When my wife and I were first married, we went through the kinky bits (she used to work for an adult toys retailer so we had lots to play with). As we got older, and 3 kids came into the equation, sex got boring. I kept trying things that made her uncomfortable and finally, sex became quite rare. We talked about it and I stopped pushing the things that made her uncomfortable. She got quite relaxed in bed again and now we really enjoy each other. The sex is different now. Somehow it is closer and a lot less goal driven. I don’t know how to explain it but it has helped us a lot. It still isn’t what most would consider kinky, but we really seem to be enjoying each other.
Michael this is such a lovely snapshot of long term marriage between two people who love each other. It’s inevitable there will be times we’re sexually out of sync, but when there’s true love and commitment it can come back around. Good for you!
6 months ago the husband and I started our exploration into kink. The sex is frequent and so much better than before!
By the way- love the pic even though the corset is totally not laced correctly, even in its half-done state.
I have been married for only a year to a man who was a virgin when we met, never been kissed and I have a fire that can never be tamed. It took me 3 years of being with him (THREE YEARS PEOPLE) To discover how much he loves glasses, pencil skirts, and button down tops… I tell you what… I never thought 3 clothing items could change my life… especially for the man who LITERALLY could care less most of the time. Yay for little discoveries!
I am still waiting for your excellent match making skills so that I can put all your great advice to use!
Adrienne — Let me see what I can do!
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