Passion Parties Make You Feel Unsexy

Questions You’ll be asked at Passion Parties

  • Have you done it in an elevator? Yes.  
  • Have you done it in an airplane? Of course.
  • Have you done it with a Native American? Does a Oaxacan busboy count?
  • Have you done it in a car? Who hasn’t?

I was winning.

I was winning the sex game at the Passion Party and I would be able to pick out my very own crystal magnet in the shape of a stiletto shoe as a prize!  

The only problem is I hadn’t done it in an elevator, or on an airplane, or in a box, or wearing sox — ooops, slipped into Seuss-speak.

I had done it in the cargo-hold of a minivan with my husband during Date Night on a public street at 11 p.m. Which was edgy.

We could’ve been arrested.

Our children – signs we have had post-marital coitus – could have bailed us out. They had enough money in their piggy banks. But I digress.

My friend, call-name Tango 5/6, strong-armed me into attending a Passion Party at her draperist’s home in Beachwood Canyon (Yes “draperist” is not a word, but it should be.  (Stop quibbling … another good word).

Would there be men with bolts through their penises?

Would there be live sex acts incorporating beef carpaccio? Would I leave with a tattoo of Charlie Sheen on my left buttock?

No. But there would be a bevy of women playing Sex Games musical chairs and sitting on each other’s laps. Sexxxxyyyyy!

Four types of women who attend Passion Parties:

1.  Housewives looking for new things to torture their husbands with.

2.  Single elementary school teachers.

3.  Women who’ve given up on men, but not on vibrating plastic.

4.  Orgasmically challenged women.

Which one am I? Perhaps all four. I’ll never tell. I prefer to maintain my air of mystery.

After we’d all eaten our weight in chocolate brickle and quaffed several gallons of Prosecco, the ice-breaking sex games began.  

Our Passion Parties Hostess, Meg, had a stack of alphabet cards.

She’d pull a letter and the first person to yell out the sexiest word corresponding to the letter would win a prize. Neither Tango or I won.  This is why.

Tango’s answers:

G — GONAD!

T — TESTICULAR!

U — URETHRA!

Apparently, she moonlights as a proctologist.

My words:

T — TITS!

C — C@NT!

P — PUSSY!

Apparently, I moonlight as a longshoreman.

Next came the “Have you ever…” game, which I won handily. Which means the other attendees were virgins. After the getting-to-know-you games, we were entertained with a parade of sex unguents and toys.

Stand-outs in no particular order or preference:

1.  Nibblers: a faux strawberry flavored edible balm which is supposed to bring sensation back to deadened nipples stretched to their tether by copious amounts of breast-feeding.

2.  The Suction-cup Dildo: You can lick its base and it will stick to any surface! The shower wall. The coffee table. The sliding door on your minivan. (There is a minivan leitmotif throughout this post)

3.  The Gigi: A portable vagina for your spouse. “She” is the only woman you can trust with your man. This also seems to be a product for women who don’t actually want to handle their husbands’ penises.

4.  The Clitoris Cream: This product is supposed to bring blood rushing into your clitoris (even if it’s “average” in size like mine).  

Meg suggested we all take a little dab of it and apply it in the bathroom. There we were, grown women standing single file outside the bathroom holding our applicator sticks waiting for our turn to apply.  

CUT TO:

Twenty strangers sitting like Catholic girls with their legs crossed trying to pretend their vaginas weren’t on fire.

5.  The G-twist: This looked like a perverse gynecological instrument you might find in the crime scene of the movie Se7en. Or perhaps in the Torture Museum in San Gimingano, Italy. Or in Jeffry Dahmer’s basement, Cruella DeVille’s puppy mill, and (I can’t resist) inside Charlie Sheen’s coke-hollowed nostrils.  

The G-Twist was meant to stimulate both the clitoris and the G-spot while having intercourse. Intercourse … with SATAN!

The evening wound down when the Passion Party attendees mutineed, no doubt drunk on the clitoris cream, and began throwing Tongue Ticklers and Pulsing Orbiters at Meg.

Tango and I left with our wallets 50 bucks lighter and our clitorises atingle swearing we’d rather mortify our own flesh like 13th century Catholic flagellants than attend another Passion Party.  

Oh who am I kidding – Meg – your creams have given me a new lease on life. Me and my numb lady bits are forever indebted!

IF YOU LIKED THIS POST ABOUT PASSION PARTIES YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: 

And, if you like this post it would mean so much to me if you’d mention it on Facebook or Twitter or to your alcoholic nephew, estranged mother-in-law, pistol-packing mailman, and so on!

25 thoughts on “Passion Parties Make You Feel Unsexy”

  1. SHANNON. I feel like I was there. I am laughing like I was there. The visuals you created are just, once again, vivid and funny. I will feed on them all day long. And longer. You have such a hilarious way of packaging the everyday (at least in my world) in a …right-on and not-so-everyday way!!! I am so bummed I couldn’t go. Keep it tingling.

  2. Oh my god this is like reading porn with out getting the rush of hormones! By the way did you get the suction cup dildo? Target is having a 60% off sale on all black dildos on “Black Friday”.

  3. Shannon Colleary

    Oh Dave — language my boy, language. You know I’m very careful not to use the f-bomb. Well, okay. I do use it sometimes, but in a very ladylike fashion. And thanks for reading as always. Make sure your wife doesn’t purchase a Gigi.

  4. Hi, Shannon! Glad you had fun at the party (sort of?). Call me when you need more Pure Satisfaction (aka: Clitoris Cream). It sounds like it will be soon. No party attendace required…I deliver. 😉

    1. Shannon Colleary

      First of all Meg, you are a good sport. My post was certainly on the snarky side. But let me tell you, I am awaiting that cream. Send me your link and I’m going to do you a solid and link to you in my next post. But send me a link that goes to YOU, not just to the Passion Party People. You did a great job wrangling we wild women and I came right home and used a certain rabbit on my unsuspecting spouse!

  5. Thanks, Shannon. Everyone has a different take on these parties; it’s such a subjective topic. I’m glad to hear that you found something to make you “happy” (giggle)…all in a day’s work for me! 😉

    My direct website is http://www.passionbypage.com. You can shop online discreetly and confidentially anytime. Thanks!

  6. You’re such a clever writer! I love it when an author can make me laugh. (My answers would probably have been similar to Tango!) Hope you don’t mind me snooping around looking for more fun reads.

  7. Malcolm MacLeod, MD

    Oh my, you make me laugh a lot, and your direction is 360 degrees. You
    were wise to marry late; saved a number of divorces and god knows what
    else. By not paying your dues early, you are now committed to teaching
    the rest of your sex how to be fulfilled in this life or something else. Mainly,
    I wonder what your tremendous energy source is, and does it rely on oxygen
    alone? Your mind works 24/7, and that requires a lot of down time. It’s so
    refreshing to have entertainment on HuffPost. I get a little tired of politics
    and economy. Stay well.

  8. After reading this, I’m convinced you’re the type of woman who gets all hot and bothered when reading 50 Shades of Lame.
    … Shame.
    Damnit, I mean Grey.

  9. I came across your post by accident, but really enjoyed reading it! You gave me an insight to what some ladies may be thinking at my party since I do similar games. Maybe I should trade the question for the mile high club with if you have ever done it soccer mom style (in the back of the minivan)… 😉 Just a thought…but again, you did make me think about how to NOT make someone feel unsexy, since my main goal is to help them to feel sexy!

  10. I am sad to hear that.
    I just started my passion business and this has truly helped me. I have games like … dirty mind riddles, build a penis out of play dough(timed), make up a fantasy scenario and stop at an intense point and pass the fantasy to the person to your right…. and a few others. I hope to relax the crowd.
    Are the games more annoying than fun? I do think there is lots of fun to be had by enjoying additions in the bedroom.
    I see no need to give people fire crotch, but tasting stuff can be worthy. But I have a bag of pink and red plastic hearts and everyone who wants to try it, picks a heart the lucky girls who get the red hearts get a nibble…I hope that brings intrigue to guests.
    Would you like my party?

  11. proudpassionpartyconsultant

    Well Shannon, your post is somewhat….sad. It may interest you to know that Passion Parties has been a successful “in the black” direct sales company for over 20 years (22 in 2016 to be exact). As a business opportunity, Passion Parties assists, with our excellent name brand recognition and ethical business practices, over 11,000 women in the United States and Canada earn part to full time money, doing what they love – Women helping women. Although it is unlikely it would fit your agenda, you may be interested to know that as a Passion Consultant I have been on the receiving end of many heartfelt thanks and gratitude from both women and men, being an assist to their rediscovery of passion. Yes Shannon, that means saved marriages, intact families and a whole lot of love.

    Now this doesn’t happen every time and with every party, but certainly is the majority and not the minority.

    Before you speak of something you have no real grasp on …maybe relax a bit.

    And by all means…have a passionate day 🙂

    1. Hi there and I’m sure you’re right! I think my experience at the Passion Party event was certainly filtered through my own nervousness and self-consciousness. And I absolutely agree that great sex can save a marriage. If you’re ever in LA throwing a party, invite me and perhaps I can write a second review. xo

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