“The literary equivalent of a summer night, a good friend and a gin-and-tonic: Shannon is a deft writer; a natural storyteller with a wicked turn of phrase and frighteningly specific memory...”

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When ‘Love’ Kills: Teen Dating Abuse

I’ve been planning my 30th high school reunion, searching high and low for class of 1983 graduates. This has brought up a lot of things for me: How quickly time is flying. How the social barriers that existed in high

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The Single Woman Christmas Letter

This was my last Christmas letter as a single woman, clinging by a very thin thread to the fabric of sanity. January Love:  Boyfriend of five years moves out, leaving me alone in rented two-bedroom house I can’t afford with

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TWFKAB Turns Two-Years Old: The First Post

On October 18th, 2010 I was disillusioned enough with screenwriting to start a blog.   I didn’t think I had anything to say, so I decided to publish a journal I kept while I was pregnant with my youngest, Bridget,

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How To Make Money With Your Blog

And NOT Lose Your F#*king Marbles 1. You need a Facebook Fan Page Then you need to post on your fan page. And if anyone responds, then you have to respond right back, preferably instantaneously. You have to ENGAGE your

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How to Kick Writer’s Block (s) Hairy Butt!

It’s Monday, in case you didn’t notice. I’m sitting here looking at this empty white page. It mocks me. “What do you have to say now, bitch?”  Also, “Did you know that book you’re working on is trite crapola?” Also,

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Sleeping With Women

Roomies, not Roofies Not since college have I slept four women in a room, two to a bed — and usually it was under the influence of Thunderbird and Night Train Express. So you can imagine my distress when —

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When You’re Over 45 You Might Need To Have The “Second Talk”

It’s June 27th, 1975 My 10th birthday. Will I get a fast growing hair Barbie? I rip through the Snoopy wrapping paper to discover … Sweet Suzie’s Starter Menstruation Kit. WTH? “Go ahead, honey, open it,” says my mom, face shining beatifically

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What I Know About Sisters, Now That I’m In My 40s

Here’s What I Know About Sisters in my 47th Year The truth will set you free. I’ve been jealous of my younger sister, Gina, for as long as I can remember. Well, that’s not completely true. She did have a

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If You’re Not Happy, Enough You Suck!

Is it just me or do you ever feel like you’re losing in the happiness race? Like if somehow you’re not in a perpetual state of satisfaction and bliss you’re a loser? And is there anything worse than being a

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A Visit to Homeboy Industries With Jamie Lynne Grumet

My friend Jamie Lynne Grumet – recently on the cover of Time nursing her toddler Aram – is forcing me to step out of my comfort zone. At last tally she’s gotten me to join her at far-flung speakeasies for

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4 Sure Signs You’re in Peri menopause

Here is how I know I’m in peri menopause: 1. I’m Smoking Hot. Not in the good way. I’ll be minding my own business hanging a corpse on a fish hook in a meat freezer in Sicily when suddenly I’m

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The Zen of Having Your Car Stolen

There has been some fuckery afoot. Henry walked outside yesterday to get into our 10-year old Toyota Highlander only to wonder, “Dude, where’s my car?” It had vanished without a trace. Apparently it didn’t even put up a fight, there

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Anatomy of a Crime Scene

The Dangers of Volunteerism Here’s what happens when an ordinary West Los Angeles mother of two volunteers at her children’s school to teach the 10-Minute Play to 15 1st graders after she forgot to eat lunch. Blood sugar levels fall

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What Jealousy Drove Me To Do

Jealousy’s a bitch hound from hell. A bitter pill. An acrid taste in your mouth. And inescapable. Don’t even bother trying. She’ll track you to every safe house/witness protection program/Saddam spider hole and she’ll bite you in the ass again.

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She Deserved To Be Judged …!

Hey Pot, You Calling the Kettle Black? I went shoe shopping with my friend code-name Tango 5-6. She wanted a pair of 200$ Mephistos. “Do you think that’s too much money for a walking shoe?” she asked. “No hey, you’ve

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Writing For Idiots!

There you are, you Empty Page. I face you now, typing fingers drawn, ready to scribble you into the oblivion from whence you came.   How you mock me with your smug, white face, your glowering screensaver, your dubious perspicacity.

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Don’t Open That Sundance Catalogue, It’s A Trap!

I keep throwing the Sundance catalogue away. Then it reappears, like something out of “Pet Semetary” First, I threw it in my bedroom trashcan. When I was sitting on a different can it reappeared in the magazine wrangler. Creepy. After

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2012 Will Be My Bee-Atch! New Year Resolutions

I Will Grab Control of These in 2012 1. Overeating 2. Frivolous Shopping 3. Sneaky Gossiping 4. Jealousy 5. Hubris, “excessive pride or arrogance.” Overeating:   Let’s just begin this post by saying I’m eating granola with dried cranberries while slopping down some Starbuck’s Decaf embroiled

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It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times

Let’s start with the BEST OF TIMES regarding my bad habits. Sneaky Gossiping: This week I had a breakthrough. I was bitching and complaining to Henry about a family member. Then I remembered that I had to report it to

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Gay People and Straight Middle-Aged Women Unite. Because Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner!

Saturday night I found myself undulating in the well-muscled arms of a bare-chested, slick brown-skinned, 6′ 2″ God of a man whom we shall call Atlas. What did Henry say when he found out? “You go, Girl!” Because I was

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Gone Fishing With The P@ssy Posse

I’m away this weekend with my womenfolk.  Not all of my womenfolk mind you. Many of my first loves live out of state. They left me for husbands which was really fucking inconsiderate of them. However, there are a few of

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Felled By The Flu

Sick. Fluey, coldish, hacky. Blech. This is really getting in the way of my world domination. How am I supposed to pillage, flank, conquer, vanquish, overthrow and generally wreak havoc across the literary landscape if I’m jittery, sweaty and really

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Welcome to the new TWFKAB website!

You’ve found my new home! I’m not sure how to live in it yet, but I hope you’ll snoop around. Look through all my cupboards, drawers, closets and under the top of the toilet bowl for a baggie of Bolivian

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I’m a German Cleaner

(You see sweet, beautiful faces. I see Jenga blocks and light sabers running amuck!) I’m one quarter German. This makes it hard for me to allow too much Schmootz to gather in my home. I’m a German Cleaner who comes

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