Cougar Outbreak

Below You’ll Find Taylor

I am not going to objectify Taylor. He is a dear person who took my mom, my daughters and I for an instructional sail just off the coast of Santa Barbara.

Beauty has its merits. Mom and I never stopped smiling from the moment we got on the boat, to the moment we stepped off. This was our conversation:

Okay, I will only objectify him a little – the way Hefner does The Girls Next Door. Because on our sail we saw seals sleeping on their backs, sea lions piled up on the big buoys, the gorgeous Pacific Ocean glinting under the midday sun, but really who gives a crap about all of that when we could see Taylor?

Me: So Taylor, what do you do besides this?

Taylor: I plan on being a firefighter.

My mom: Oh, uuummmm.

Taylor: I already worked three years with the Hot Shots who put out forest fires.

My mom: oh, yes…

Me: I’ve heard it’s pretty hard getting a fire fighting job.

Taylor: Yeah, it’s pretty competitive.

My mom: Oh, oh, uh …

Taylor: But I think I’ve got a pretty good shot.

My mom: Yes, yes, yessssssssss!

Somehow the conversation turned toward fishing. Taylor told us he didn’t really like fishing because of how the hooks hurt the fish.

Oh Christ, I looked back to see my animal-fanatic mother swooning off the port side bow. Stop being so kind, thoughtful and beautiful, young man, you’re going to kill my mother!

Thank God we tacked just in time shifting her splash trajectory.

Despite what my daughters say, I didn’t flirt at all.

I’m old enough to be Taylor’s … older sister. And of course I’m married (hello, sweetheart). It isn’t my fault the boat was so tiny and I had to sit on Taylor’s lap. Actually, that didn’t happen.  Sigh.

However, unbeknownst to each other my mom and I each tipped Taylor 20$, which was more than the trip cost.  

And I may have  accidentally rev my mini-van when my mother said Taylor’s name in the parking lot. Thank God the car was in park. I’ll never live that down. 

Oh no, my daughters will tell it to their children. And my grandkids to theirs. It’ll be written in Sanskrit on the Pharaoh’s tombs. Unearthed alongside the last Tyrannosaurus Rex. Inscribed on my headstone. “Here lies a pitiful cougar.”

But I am here to tell you my feelings for this young man were perfectly appropriate.