But Here’s a Quick Hack to Get What You Need …
When we’re in “LOVE” with someone who consistently breaks our hearts and we stop to think about what WE need to be happy, it usually includes our LOVE OBJECT changing.
- If he would just FILL IN THE BLANK I would be happy.
- If he could only FILL IN THE BLANK I would be happy.
- Why the fuck can’t he FILL IN THE BLANK so I can be happy?
Then we set about trying to get him to change so we can be happy.
- Maybe we stalk him.
- Maybe we give him lots of sex, so he’ll be too tired to have sex with somebody else.
- Maybe we buy him shit like toaster ovens or a car (depending on our income).
- Maybe we try not to have any needs whatsoever so he’ll stay, and maybe fill the needs we’re pretending we don’t have.
I was working with a lovely client recently who was spending a lot of time trying to FIGURE OUT her Love Object.
“FIGURING OUT” is the predecessor to TRYING TO CHANGE your LOVE OBJECT.
You want to figure him out so you can change him.
It’s an exhausting MENTAL LOOP that leaves very little time or energy for getting out of this fucking exhausting mental loop, so we can meet someone who’d actually be thrilled to meet our needs.
The best thing you can do is stop trying to figure your man out so you can change him to get your needs met and instead put the focus back on you.
How to Get What You Need in a Relationship? FIGURE OUT how to CHANGE YOU! There are a lot of ways to do this.
I always recommend therapy and 12-step recovery — which are longterm ways to breaking the cycle of LOVE ADDICTION.
But here’s one SMALL TASK you can do right now that might surprise you, and KICKSTART some internal changes that can help you detach from your current or ex painful LOVE OBJECT.
Do this task: Write Down What Your Relationship Needs Are As If You Were a Person Who Loved Herself.
Sounds simple, right?
But for those of us with low self-esteem who’ve been in the cycle of Love Addiction perhaps since childhood, this requires writing down our relationship needs as if we were A PERSON WHO LOVED HERSELF.
Since those of us prone to Love Addiction often think we’re unworthy of having any relationship needs — that person should NOT be the one writing.
Instead, we must create an altar ego who will write for us. And she is a person who unequivocally loves herself.
I picked Christiane Amanpour as my altar ego. I guaran-damn-tee you Ms. Amanpour has no time to SUFFER FOOLS GLADLY.
She’s way to freaking busy reporting from war zones to let any EMOTIONAL ABUSERS slash CHEATERS slash STILL-HAS-HIS-PROFILE-ON-TINDER-WHEN-HE’S-IN-A-RELATIONSHIP-WITH-ME wankers take up a second of her bandwidth.
My client wrote her needs down as if she was Amal Clooney.
She realized that what she wanted most in a relationship was to feel desired. Not just sexually (although that could be included).
No, she wanted to be in a relationship where her MAN wanted to be with and around her just as much as she wanted to be with and around him.
She didn’t want to plot and strategize and manipulate to get that need met. She needed to be with someone who:
- Always loved getting a phone call or text from her.
- Phoned and texted her because he missed her.
- Made dates and kept them.
- Who just basically dug her enough to want to be with her whenever he could. Not in a clingy/stalkery way — but in a solid, steady, confident way.
Just making this NEEDS LIST, written by a person who loves herself and thinks she’s worthy of love, helped my client stop trying to get back together with an ex who — historically — just wanted convenient sex.
And now, when she’s ready to date again — she can go out there knowing what she needs — and holding out for it.
In my next post I’ll help you with another task. REDEFINING WHAT LOVE IS.
Shannon’s book is a fun, easy read that’ll give you more ideas about how to become a person who loves herself and no longer suffers fools gladly.
What people are saying. Amazon Customer #28:
“Shannon offers practical, actionable tasks to overcome love addiction and doles it out with a refreshing sense of humor. I highly recommend this book to anyone preoccupied with changing or controlling their partner.”
CLICK HERE to grab it.