Are you an Asshat? Because I can fix you.
If you’re a car, then I’m a mechanic.
If you’re a computer, then I’m the Geek Squad.
If you’re a porn star, then I’m the fluffer.
I can fix you because I know why you are the way you are.
1. Your mom was addicted to pool boys named Felipe Rivera or Chip Smith, which is why you treat women disrespectfully.
2. Your dad was the first Blimp pilot in the world. Unfortunately he had a girl in every Blimp port. He called them the Blimpees, which is why you have trouble with commitment.
3. You were 4′ 2″ until you were twenty and finally hit your growth spurt, which is why you need Other Women to take your 6′ 4″ height for a ride.
4. You have dyslexia, which is why it’s difficult for you to know when you’re texting me or Hank Baskett’s transsexual model.
5. You have a mild case of Tourette’s, which is why you keep screaming “Sheila” when we make love.
But have no worries. I can fix you with my Compassion, Patience and exalted Wisdom.
In fact, I can be your therapist at no charge! I will heal all of your childhood wounds to make you become the man I want, need and am desperate for you to be!
And I think I can do this because I don’t know it’s impossible to change another person.
1. I don’t know that the more I try to change you, the more you’ll rebel and become even more intensely the way you are.
2. I don’t know that I’m not responsible for your behavior.
3. I don’t know that contorting myself into a pretzel will have absolutely no effect on you.
And that even if it should seem to have an effect on you, that will be short-lived, and you will confound me by adopting heretofore unseen, completely much worse Asshatty behavior; permutations akin to airborne Ebola.
4. I don’t know that you will use my Compassion, Patience and exalted Wisdom against me, to keep me trapped in this Dance of Death with you.
5. I don’t know that I am NOT a licensed psychologist who you’ve come to for help because you actually really want to change. And that even if I were an actual psychologist, it would be unwise to treat a patient my vagina is addicted to.
6. I don’t know that the only thing that is actually within my power is to wish you well on your journey to Self and to part ways with you so that I can get back on my own journey to Self.
7. I don’t know that I’m not God.
The previous was an open letter to my twenty-something self.
I finally came out of denial, recognized the the signs of an abusive relationship and GOT THE %@#%$ OUT!