How to Beat Santa Extortion Def-Con 5!

Henry and I spend too much money all year round.

He’s a groceries hoarder. If you came to our house and opened our refrigerator, you would find enough butter and milk to re-supply all the bovines in Texas.

He’s also addicted to green tea. Do you know how much green tea costs? Heroin’s cheaper.

We went to a wedding and Henry brought a 15-liter jug of Arizona green tea under his jacket.

“This is turning into a problem,” I hissed next to Henry in the pew.

“It could be Thai hookers!” Henry hissed back.

I’m an impulse buyer.

Those birthday cards for Malamute Dogs in Alaska? Hit me with a 12-pack. Mush, mushhhh!

The nipple hider doilies at the cash register in Nordstrom? Stock me up. You never know when a stiff wind’ll send those head lights on high beam, wreaking havoc with oncoming pedestrians.

And then there are all the things in Sky Mall.

• The NFL Forest Face totem pole, perfect for the master bedroom. We need a mascot to our lovemaking.
• The Houdini 12 in 1 black dress. You never know when you might need a burqa in West L.A.
• The Military Zoom Binoculars for night ops outside the PTA where you may or may not be banned from entering.
• The Dermaseptic thing that zaps your herpes and cold sores. No further explanation needed.

So, with holiday season looming, and my children at Santa Extortion DefCon 5 (I’ve received five different Santa wish lists, editing and collated), I finally put my foot down and decided to go ALL CASH ALL THE TIME.

Oh yes, you heard me. I’m walking around with a wad of 1$ bills.

Ever-ready for any Channing Tatum/Magic Mike sightings. Carrying cash not only makes me feel like a powerful Sultan, but it also makes me aware of what I’m spending.

This Christmas season I wrote down the names of every person I’m shopping for and how much cash I can spend on each.

(Dad, you’re getting toenail clippers. I know it’s not what you want, but it’s what you need).  

And just spending cash made me realize I will often buy one present for someone and then one for me.  

One for them. One for me.  

I blame the credit cards, not my personal integrity.

So, go get some cash, people! (And send me your daily itinerary. Not because I plan to rob you … very much … but just so I can make sure you’re walking the walk!)

What are your holiday strategies when it comes to money?