The Great White Huntress

Shopping Addiction

Hanging The LolaHolly Shift out to dry.                        

To prepare for hunting season, first take note of where you’ve observed the Halteveres Gladiator Sandals or the Spectrum Caftan Dress grazing in your hunting area. 

Was it at the Beverly Drive Anthropologie? Or have they migrated to the 3rd Street Promenade?

To give you an edge over your quarry you must begin an exercise routine you’ll follow year round.  

Suggestions: Finger exercises, like the Thumb Samba and the Index Two-Step, will sharpen your reflexes so you can quick draw your credit card.  

As Vaginal Kegels will pinch off a stream of rogue urine, so too will Brain Kegels pinch off a stream of good judgment. 

This will allow you to hunt, shoot and kill that Muhabura Tank Dress with little to no remorse.

Next you must practice.  

Devise a plan to hunt small-game online. This is far less stressful as there are no other huntresses in the mix to distract you from a lung-shot to the Tears of Midas Earrings (especially hard to kill due to their diminutive size). 

Once you feel your online stalking is beyond reproach it’s time to go mano-a-mano with the big-game in actual stores.

When you enter the field look the hunting area over well for things that may have caused inventory patterns to shift. Something as simple as a metal rounder losing a caster wheel could cause the massive Influential Anorak (crowned by fully mature set of buttons) to migrate to more densely foliaged racks in the back.

Also be sure you dress appropriately for trying on the pelts. 

For example: If you’re hunting the Summer Souffle Strapless dress you must wear a padded strapless bra so that your breasts don’t look like two fried eggs sliding down a wall. 

If you’re hunting say, the low-rise Gigi Crops be sure to wear your Spanx so the dressing room Hunting Enforcement lady doesn’t offer you tea to go with that muffin.

You must also be sure you’re fully equipped. Have a First-Aid kit on hand in case you get into a shoot out with another huntress trying to bogart your shot at the Cuernavaca Maxi. 

Have high-energy snacks with you like nuts and beef jerky so you can flip through the sale racks at top speed. And don’t forget potable water in case the Flamenco Rosado Flats aren’t in stock and you have make the arid trek to the Simi Valley Anthropologie.

All this brings me to credit cardsmanship. 

The first step in ensuring you don’t miss your target and accidentally shoot and kill the poorly-sewn All Isles Chemise is to make sure you’re close enough. I’m far more impressed by a huntress who tells me she snuck to within 5 feet of the Victorian Treasure Tank than the one who shoots wildly from the sidewalk outside. 

Also, never shoot at running merchandise beyond 25 feet. Undisturbed merchandise and cool-handed credit cardsmanship should be the rule, not the exception.

Finally, how do you ensure a clean kill? Look into your huntress heart and ask yourself these four questions about your quarry: Have you already shot and killed something just like it? Is it really necessary to get you through your niece’s Bat Mitzvah? 

Does it provide the camouflage for hips, thighs and belly you’ll need to hide your succulent fat from bigger prey (i.e. mean moms)? And most importantly, will you utilize every piece of the item (like the Chinese do the pig) from its pattern design, to its shirring, to its fabric or are you just hunting for sport? 

Because there might be another mom in the field who needs that last pair of Tied & Thatched Wedges to get through her day alive.

If you can answer No, Yes, Yes, No to these questions then I wish you nothing but bodice-shots and good bunting!

6 thoughts on “The Great White Huntress”

  1. Barbara Faulkner

    Shannon, I learn new things about my sis every day. Happy Mother's Day, your Aunt Barbara

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