• Conversations with Henry: Why I’m Better Than My Husband

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    Sunday Night. Midnight.

    Me: Henry, can you get out of bed and set the house alarm?

    Him: You were the last one in bed, you set the house alarm. I’m too exhausted.

    Me: You’re too exhausted from napping all day?

    Him: I was only napping all day because I was on duty all week while you were on deadline and our children sucked the blood from my veins. I barely have any platelets left and without them I’ll die and then who will clean the kitty litter box?

    Me: Those furry f$#king prima donnas will learn to poop outside.

    Him: Speaking of which I’m exhausted from the dream I had last night where there was a toilet filled to the rim with poop and I had to clean it and it wasn’t even my poop because of the cats, your irritable bowel …

    Me: Why do my bowels always have to take the fall?

    Him: … and our daughters both being in diapers.

    Me: Our daughters haven’t both worn diapers for seven years!

    Him: I’m suffering Post Traumatic Shit Disorder. Which is exhausting.

    Me: I’m exhausted just hearing how exhausted you are. And quit trying to disorient me by shining the reading lamp on your bald spot.

    Him: That’s right! I’m going bald, which is also exhausting.

    Me: I’m exhausted from growing my hair to make into a toupee for you!

    A very long silence.

    Me: This silence is exhausting.

    More silence.

    Me: I’ll give you sex if  you get up and set the house alarm.

    Him: Will you stay awake throughout?

    Me: I can’t promise throughout, but definitely in the beginning.

    Him: Done.

    Automated Voice: Armed to Night!

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    So fing tired fourpic

    Me and Michael so fing tiredpic

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    2 comments > Write one

    1. Serena Belva says:

      The last photo caption made me laugh out loud in the library! People stared at me.

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