• Did Gwyneth Paltrow Steal My Life?

    July 7th, 2011

    Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I took the one MOST traveled by … 1991 New Haven, Connecticut. The reputable Longwharf Theater and a production of the classic, William Inge’s Picnic.

    I’m cast as one of the leads, Madge. The pretty small town girl who falls for a handsome, charismatic drifter.

    Hello shining future!

    This is my first real acting job. I’ve worked on a few independent films where I carried props and did my own lighting. I’ve performed in a very bad production of Twelve Angry Women where I was on stage for two hours, had seven lines and forgot one on the night I’d managed to convince a young William Morris agent to see the production. I literally made eye contact with her from the stage to the front row when I couldn’t remember that fucking island of a line in a sea of other actor’s dialogue.

    But for this job I’ll be getting my Equity card. I’ll be flown from L.A. to New Haven where I’ll stay for the next several months while I rehearse with seasoned Broadway veterans and a few equally green young actors out of New York and L.A.

    It’s exciting.  I feel like I’m at the beginning of something potentially big.  And I’ve been cast opposite a boy from my L.A. acting class who I’ve pined for from afar.

    Maybe I’ll tell that story more fully another day, but for now, this is all about explaining my aversion to La Gwyneth…

    We all know what her life has been like since her debut in Flesh and Bone circa 1993. She’s gone on to win an Academy Award, marry a Rockstar, have angelic BABIES, speak fluent CASTILLIAN, stay in flawless SHAPE even though she loves to cook and wrote an F-ING COOK BOOK, while moonlighting as a chanteuse on GLEE and ROCKING OUT with Cee Lo Green.

    (I won’t even go into the fact she’s known Brad Pitt biblically).

    How does this have anything to do with me? Probably nothing. Except through the unique, self-involved, insular, absolutely human ability to see the world only through the prism of my own experience and point of view of myself as center of the universe.

    I do not judge myself.

    I think this is just called being human. Subservience to the Id and the Ego as opposed to the yogic, Buddhist ONE of all beings.

    “Madge is the pretty one, Madge is the pretty one!

    I don’t know what I just said.

    Anyhow, during the first month of rehearsal I’d fallen madly in love with my leading man who wouldn’t give me the time of day because he had a live-in girlfriend at home and wasn’t a cheating bastard. I’d had my first interview for a newspaper as an actress in a legitimate production. I was working with one of the best Broadway directors around and I was able to keep two very humble abodes on two coasts.

    I was the shit.

    Then one day our director came into the dressing room to tell us that we had some special guests who would be watching our rehearsal. They were the well-respected actress Blythe Danner and her (then unknown) daughter, Gwyneth Paltrow.

    Perhaps you’re beginning to get a faint premonition about my mild bitterness.

    It turns out that Blythe and Gwyneth were also going to be starring as mother and daughter in the Williamstown production of Picnic where Gwyneth would be portraying Madge. The pretty one.

    I often wonder what Gwyneth might have thought watching me perform her role. It was a thankless role. Lots of simpering, crying and whining, “Mom, what good is it to be pretty?” How do you deliver that line without feeling like an idiot?

    And there was this big break down crying scene at the end where Hal says good-bye to Madge and chases that train whistle in the distance.

    I was very Method-y at the time, which means the tears HAD TO BE REAL. You can’t imagine how I worked myself up trying to get those tears to come, thinking about dead possums and old boyfriends’ infidelities. I’m sure there were nights the audience thought I’d suffered an aneurysm. And I suspect there were a couple of nights – the ones when I just couldn’t freaking cry – where people wanted their money back.

    I know how my production went.

    My leading man went back to his girlfriend, the other actors went back to auditioning and many of them still act today. I went back to L.A. where I just never quite got hot and quit pursuing acting four years later.

    THAT DAMNED GWYNETH!

    I never saw the reviews of the Williamsburg Picnic. I suspect it wasn’t much better than ours and I doubt it got Gwyneth any closer to her trajectory than mine got me. But over the years I’ve watched her flower into one of our best actresses and everything else she’s become.

    So I am here to admit, the real reason Gwyneth Paltrow Gets My Goat is … she can still wear skinny jeans after giving birth to two children, her Castilian’s better than mine, I wish I could sing and she gets free shoes.

    But I don’t wish I had her life. Because my failure has led me to this life. And while I wish I could be successful in the career of my choice (having said that, I WAS a fantastic waitress), I wouldn’t want to give up my man, my girls, my home.

    My life.

    I will always yearn for more. Maybe that isn’t just a Shannon condition, but the human condition. I love my life. Damn me, I really do. Still, couldn’t Gwyneth be bad at SOMETHING?

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    32 comments > Write one

    1. Anne Marie Furie says:

      Loved this post – very well written – but it's not why I'm posting a comment. I can't seem to find your email anywhere and want to connect with you about an LA based blogger program. So here are the details:

      We have been contacted by a leading appliance manufacturer to find a Los Angeles-based blogger interested in hosting an event on September 21st for 10 people in their home – in exchange for

      AN ENTIRE FREE SUITE OF KITCHEN APPLICANCES.

      Yes, you read that right! FREE! It even includes installation and any tax implications! How cool is that?

      So we would like to invite you to apply for the program! If you are interested in applying for the program you need to let us know ASAP as there will only be ONE BLOGGER chosen. If you are interested, send the following information in your reply:

      City and Zip code you live in

      Brief description of your kitchen. Is it open? Does it have an island?

      Do you have a standard size range?

      Would you be available for installation of the appliance at your convenience in August/early September?

      Would you be willing to host an event in your kitchen on September 21 with up to 10 bloggers? No cost to you (e.g. any food, etc. will be handled and provided by the appliance manufacturer).

      Please rush your reply as the timeline for this is pretty tight and we want to make sure you have the opportunity to be chosen!

      Many thanks and looking forward to hearing from you!
      Please contact me at annemarie@getbuttonedup.com if you are interested. – Thanks – AMF

    2. slouchy says:

      Her faux British accent is highly grating? How 'bout that?

    3. 14a57754-a9d5-11e0-bd5d-000bcdcb2996 says:

      Loved the Blog. I hope Gwyneth finds a way to read this. I'm sure she would enjoy it.

    4. Shannon Bradley-Colleary says:

      Hi Anne Marie — Thank you for the opportunity re: the kitchen appliances, however I have a small kitchen and a 1920s stove I couldn't part with. (I'm sure Gwyneth has two Viking ranges). And Slouchy I didn't notice the faux British accent. Will have to focus on that! BTW Gwyneth has a blog with over 250,000 visitors a day. Of course she does.

    5. Mothers'Notes says:

      Hello,

      We have launched a website, http://www.mothersnotes.com – a collaborative platform where mothers write about their motherhood experiences, share articles and videos they like, and get rewarded for their valuable input with the share of ads revenue system.(Members get share of the ads revenue)

      We would love to see you as one of the members in the website. You can register and start posting right away.

      Here are links to some articles in our website:
      My Breastfeeding experience- Don’t give up http://www.mothersnotes.com/read/240/my-breastfeeding-experience–dont-give
      The Marshmallow Test – http://mothersnotes.com/read/114/the-marshmallow-test
      Make sushi with kids -http://www.mothersnotes.com/read/218/make-sushi-with-kids-
      Discipline through developing self-control -http://www.mothersnotes.com/read/229/discipline-through-developing-self-control
      Dealing With Mommy Anxiety – http://www.mothersnotes.com/read/221/dealing-with-mommy-anxiety-
      An easy to make ornament – http://mothersnotes.com/read/130/an-easy-to-make-ornament
      Help your kids develop self confidence -http://www.mothersnotes.com/read/219/help-your-kids-develop-self-confidence
      You are not alone – http://mothersnotes.com/read/189/you-are-not-alone
      Mom’s Resume- http://mothersnotes.com/read/207/moms-resume
      The Art of Giving Criticsm – http://www.mothersnotes.com/read/211/the-art-of-giving-criticism
      Things I wish I had known before I rushed to grow up – http://mothersnotes.com/read/144/things-i-wish-i-had-known-before-i-rushed-to-grow-up
      If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

      Warm regards,

      Kamer Guzel
      Primary editor, Mothersnotes.com
      kamer |at| mothersnotes.com

    6. The Empress says:

      Woman, you astound me.

      I have NEVER been offered a free kitchen.

      You kick a**.

    7. Shannon Bradley-Colleary says:

      Dear Empress — Perhaps I am looking a gift dishwasher in the mouth?

    8. Cheryl Mahar says:

      Wow!! Does THAT bring back memories!!! Let's face it, our journeys did not bring us where we thought we would go, but the path brought us to our LIVES…not perfect but nevertheless…..sweet!! Love you Shan!!

    9. writer4hire says:

      Loved this post. And the production photos!

    10. Shannon Bradley-Colleary says:

      Hey Miss Cheryl — do you remember the stripper play you did? Well, then there was also the hooker one I did. Ahh the life of a struggling wacktress.

    11. amorninggrouch says:

      Hah! You must think of this every time you see her face. Do you work on yoga-like intentions every time you catch her on t.v. or in a movie? I will not be competitive….judgmental….or do you just grab a bottle of vodka and some olives out of the fridge and mumble under your breath about what a bitch she is? Oddly enough I was Gwyneth in a recent dream – which came completely out of nowhere – so I found this post particularly funny.

    12. Shannon Bradley-Colleary says:

      Vodka and olive route. Definitely. I'm amorninggrouch too.

    13. [...] you would like to know more about my relationship with Gwyneth you can CLICK HERE.  Or HERE.  I’ve asked her not to write about me on GOOP.  Which is why she never mentions [...]

    14. [...] If you love celebrities you might want to read Did Gwyneth Paltrow Steal My Life? [...]

    15. [...] Shannon’s arch nemesis is Gwyneth Paltrow. Although, I am fairly certain Gwyneth is unaware of her rivalry with Shannon. [...]

    16. [...] she’s young enough to be my daughter! I’m only slightly more jealous of Gwyneth Paltrow here. And Gwyneth Paltrow here. I read Elizabeth trying to find a weakness. A way in which I might be [...]

    17. [...] even talk to me about Gwyneth Paltrow. I had to make a voodoo doll to keep her at [...]

    18. Danny Dix says:

      Omg she is soooo hot. I didnt know much of gwyneth Paltrow before today. What a gorgeous face, and that HAIR…I can see why you are a little miffed. That’s really a whole barn load of competition you have right there….oh wait…they are shots of YOU up there…gwyn is the rough around the edges bottle blonde up little further down the page…Oh that’s so sad.

    19. [...] …and then you wonder about the path not taken, two roads diverging in the yellow wood, as it were. Could I have been a podiatrist? I’ll never [...]

    20. [...] I’ll tell you who will empathize.  Me.  Homecoming Queen of 1983.  Dater of cruelly handsome men.  Back-up dancer for INXS at the 1990 MTV music video awards; a “Suicide Blonde” with a bad wig that kept slipping off in front of the audience in the packed Universal Amphitheatre.  The actress who played Madge in Picnic at the Longwharf Theater circa 1991; Madge being the characte…“ [...]

    21. [...] want to hear all about your celebrity sightings and the ensuing drama.  A few more of mine are HERE (galling Gwyneth) and HERE (Katie ‘Scientology defector’ Holmes) shh. demi. you can reach me at [...]

    22. Melissa says:

      She probably fakes her orgasms. Or doesn’t have them. Or tells Chris to pause so she can flip her popovers in the over, before letting loose. There’s something just a bit inhuman about her…

    23. [...] on HuffPo.  And I’m so unsexy these days.  I’m writing a book, a screenplay, a blog, threats to Gwyneth Paltrow regarding her annoying awesomeness.  This means I’m sitting on my butt for many hours every [...]

    24. [...]  I’m just going to go check my archives … still checking … boy, do I seem to hate Gwyneth Paltrow … I’ll go look again … lots of photos of my naked bum … hmmm, seem to have [...]

    25. […] HOLLYWOOD: Have you ever wondered if Gwyneth Paltrow stole your life? Or what it would be like to kiss and tell on David Schwimmer? Or to dance at the VMAs as a Suicide […]

    26. […] Wall of China sitting on the steel-hewn lap of that aphrodisiacal Idris Elba (she’s my new Gwyneth Paltrow object of jealousy) when I flipped to this ad campaign for Saint Laurent […]

    27. […] Wall of China sitting on the steel-hewn lap of that aphrodisiacal Idris Elba (she’s my new Gwyneth Paltrow object of jealousy) when I flipped to this ad campaign for Saint Laurent […]

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