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AMERICAN IDOL: 5 Reasons It’s Better To See It On TV Than To Be In The Audience

And the winners are —

1. You won’t get sick and tired of JLo accusing you of trying to steal her People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman in the World title during the commercial breaks.

2. You don’t have to refuse to sit front and center so Scotty can serenade you with “I Love You This Big.” Doesn’t he know you’re old enough to be his slightly older sister?

3. You can mute Randy when he says ANYONE is “In it to win it!” Seriously Dawg, can’t you modulate that nasally catch phrase into your upper register where only actualdogs can hear it?

4. Steven Tyler won’t keep trying to get you to sit on his lap for a duet of “Dude Looks Like A Lady,” while trying to share (Botox) needles.

5. You can pause Lauren’s song about her mom long enough to pee and come back without doing Emergency-Kegels in the hopes you won’t wet yourself in front of Ryan Seacrest – who doesn’t actually have a bladder.

(Kegels can also be good for vaginal prolapse which is basically when your vagina falls out. FYI)

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One reason you’re so happy your sister got the two of you tickets for Tuesday night instead of for the Finale last night:

You got to hear the legendary Taio Cruz sing Positive with these cool green flashy strobes lights and these lit-up red drums played by guys wearing like Luchadore masks instead of having to endure performances from Lady I’m-Humping-My-Piano Gaga, Beyonce, Tim I’ve-Never-Looked-Better-In-My-Jeans McGraw, Jack Black, Judas Priest, Steven Tyler, Mark Antony, TLC (“don’t go chasin’ waterfalls” – a seminal song from my college years, but who’s keeping track?), Steven Tyler, Tony I’m-Goin’-Down-With-The-Ship Bennett, Bono, The Edge and some cute guy from Broadway, not to mention Let-Me-Toss-You-My-Underwear-Cuz-I’m Tom Jones.

I’m so happy I wasn’t there to be bored skull-less by all of those wannabees … in person … so.  happy.  so… ack …. acccckkkkkk.

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