“The literary equivalent of a summer night, a good friend and a gin-and-tonic: Shannon is a deft writer; a natural storyteller with a wicked turn of phrase and frighteningly specific memory...”

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Tag "parenting"

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The Unexpected Way Her Father Humiliated Her

Excerpt: “The other night, I caught you putting your boobs on the table.” “What?” (She saw that?) “We were playing Monopoly,” she continued, “and you were wearing your pajamas without a bra and you put them right on the table!” Keep Reading …

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How to Handle the “Sex Talk” With Your 9-Year-Old

Excerpt: “Mom, how old do I need to be before I can have sex?” Oh, crap. I am suddenly thrust into a very important conversation with the question-asker, my 9-year old daughter, that I WAS NOT expecting. We’re snuggling in bed after binge-watching five episodes of Friends. Damn that Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, Monica and Joey for going through lovers like an Avian flu patient goes through Kleenex, with no apparent negative repercussions save for some embarrassment. Keep Reading…

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The Design Mom Book is a Must Have – How to Live With Kids: A Room by Room Guide

If you don’t know Gabrielle Stanley Blair you absolutely need to. Because she’s one of those people who turns everything she touches into a beautiful Wes Anderson movie set. I’m in love with her because she’s kind, generous and is the type of person I aspire to be someday. She’s the mother of six wildly intelligent, creative children who she integrates not just into the fabric of her life, but into the fabric of the work she does.

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Buzzfeed Liquors Some Moms Up and Makes Them Talk About Their Kids. Holy Crap! (Video)

“I love when she puts her tiny little hand against my cheek and says, ‘Mommy, I love you!’ and then we close our eyes and take a nap. And then the next thing that happens is she shoves her fucking little finger up my nose!” and “If it weren’t for Sesame Street I’d never take a shit.”

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Can You Guess Which Movie? (I fast-forwarded through the sexy stuff)

Sunday night I took a hard, violent fall, kinda pin-balled down there. Hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit!
I’m not saying I survived, but I thrived. I met a dolphin down there, and I swear to God that dolphin looked, not at me, but into my soul. Into my God damn soul, Annie! And it said, ‘I’m saving you Megan’. Not with its mouth, but…I’m assuming telepathically?

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Worst Husband in the World, Killing My Own Kid Video Gone Viral

When I was a newborn my grandmas came to meet me for the first time. My dad carried me into the living room swaddled in a blanket, tripped, fell and accidentally threw me into the burning fireplace as everyone screamed.

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Banishing the “Wicked” in Stepmother

She had platinum blond hair worn in an Aqua-Net bouffant, thick black eyeliner and a figure Jayne Mansfield would’ve killed for. At night she peeled her false eyelashes off like she was undressing her face.

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10 Things NOT to do on Your Child’s School Field Trip

When the Bossy Docent yells at a child for pulling a pine cone off a tree, yelling, “Leave this land exactly as you found it,” do not whisper to your child’s teacher, “I can just imagine her in bed, ‘leave my vagina just as you found it; parched, spiny and uninhabitable.'”

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Do You Press-Gang Your Kids?

“Well, I know you haven’t brushed your teeth yet. Please go do that.” He looks at me horrified. That’s not why he came to see me. He wanted retribution not a chore. That’s what I do to my children. Ultimately I seem to turn every interaction into a nag.

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Zen and the Art of Sailing During A Small Craft Advisory Warning

I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to barf. I didn’t want to get salty. I didn’t want to smell feces. I didn’t want to be dominated by forces beyond my control. That’s right, I didn’t want to go

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1 Woman + Three Marriages = 33 Wisdom Bites

I have had that marital prodigy/libertine Michelle Combs on my site before writing Do You Need Code Language For Sex Because Your Toddler Will Say Blow Job When Your Mother-In-Law Comes Over? I had to have her back again for this

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Dear White Moms is a Must Read

Racism: a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race. — Merriam Webster Dictionary No one wants to admit they’re racist. But I believe

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Daughters: 10 Reasons You Should Not Have Sex in High School

Dear Daughters, You’re at an age where your father and I have little control over the choices you make when you aren’t with us. We know, from our own experiences, that if you really want to do something, whether beneficial

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My Kids Don’t Rebel Against Me, I Rebel Against Them!

12-year-old Clare looks at me as I’m getting ready to go to the gym. Clare: Shannon, you can’t wear those shorts. Me: I am not Shannon, I am Mom. Clare: You are Shannon when you wear those shorts. Me: Is

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If Corrupting My Child Is Wrong, I Don’t Wanna Be Right aka Bad Parenting

We’re the parents who allowed our 12-year old daughter to watch two R-rated movies. Is it my imagination or have our phones stopped ringing for play dates because we’re the libertines leading our child down the inglorious path of foul-mouthed,

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One Mom Ponders her “What Ifs” when it Comes to her Autistic Son

Today’s post comes from filmmaker Lisanne Sartor who shares her parenting what-ifs: As a parent, it’s easy to drive yourself nuts wondering if you’ve irreparably harmed your kids with the mistakes you’ve made. “What if I hadn’t yelled at him

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Autism Changed Everything

I’m in love with my friend Lisanne Sartor (sorry Henry … actually I suspect you may not mind) first because she had the courage to participate in our #LoveYourBodyNow project, but next because she’s a vulnerable, confessional writer whose work

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Empty Nest = Sex in Strange Places?

Sex on the dining room table had never been so raw, because Henry ate fresh sashimi and unagi off of my pendulous orbs of alabaster breast flesh, his steel-hewn thighs thrusting my sinewy ones open as he positioned himself in

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What Happened when Her Son was Diagnosed with Autism

I’m thrilled to introduce screenwriter/director, Lisanne Sartor to all of you. Lisanne’s short film, The Six Letter Word, about an unlikely mother coming to terms with her young son’s autism after an unexpected encounter with one of her johns, features a

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What’s the Story Your Kids Tell About You?

I have daughters entering puberty while I simultaneously enter menopause. It’s an occasional Shitastrophy and I expect even more Punji Stick booby traps as their estrogen escalates and mine deteriorates. It was during my pubescent years I began to shape the

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What Happened When I Forced my Daughter into the Ocean aka Bad Parenting

The day was perfect for boogie boarding at the beach. The tubes were hollow, the pits weren’t dropping, there weren’t any bombs to pound you and you could even catch air on some radical ramps, Bro. But there Clare stood

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5 Summer Camp Activities That Scarred my Children

I did something that totally pissed my kids off. I sent them to summer sports camp so I could work and try to make money to pay for their braces and college. That’s right, I’m an asshole. After camp, when

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How “The Fault In Our Stars” Changed Me

What was I thinking? I just read John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars, the one about the teenage cancer patients, Hazel Grace and Augustus Waters, who fall in love. (not a sponsored post and there is a spoiler a few sentences

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If I Did This to my Daughters They Would Never Speak to me Again, But Dang it’s Funny

Okay. This is funny even if you’re having period cramps. Don’t want to publish any spoilers so all I can really write about this is #flocomestotown #theredbadgeofcourage #surfingthecrimsonwave #thecurse #therearecommunistsinthefunhouse #reddotspecial Enjoy!

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Daughters are from Venus, Daddies are from Mars aka The Father Daughter Relationship

Daddies value quiet, calm, cool-headedness, solutions to problems and a frothy lager. Pubescent Daughters value love, acceptance, patience and a safe place to dump their volcanic, spuming, flesh-incinerating emotions. If an unsuspecting Daddy doesn’t understand how a marauding daughter is

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