“The literary equivalent of a summer night, a good friend and a gin-and-tonic: Shannon is a deft writer; a natural storyteller with a wicked turn of phrase and frighteningly specific memory...”

Opt-in to the Shannon Colleary Communiqué to have both the Funny & the Wise delivered to your inbox weekly!

Kids and Parents

Back to homepage

10 Reasons You’re a Bitch to Your Husband During Pregnancy (Gestation: 20 Weeks 5 Days)

1.  You’re a bitch to your husband during pregnancy because he flattens himself against the wall like a minnow avoiding a migrating sperm whale when you pass. 2.  He thinks natural childbirth sounds “interesting.” 3.  He brings you a “slice”

Read More

Panicking During My Amniocentesis (Gestation: 19 Weeks, 6 Days)

I panicked during my amniocentesis today, reminding me of a fat, gray seal I startled once while scuba diving.  We came upon each other suddenly.  He was eating a crayfish and I was peeing in my wet suit to warm

Read More

Gobble Gobble Thanksgiving (Gestation: 18 Weeks, 6 Days)

Thanksgiving Top Ten: I’m thankful for the “three folds of the labia.” We are having a girl! I’m grateful my husband took a blood oath that he won’t marry a younger woman to bear him a son, hence carrying on

Read More

Skinny Postpartum Models (Gestation: 17 Weeks, 6 Days)

I was having a peaceful moment en toilette, belly bumping up against ballooning breasts, thumbing through a catalogue geared sadistically toward mothers, when I turned the page from the baby super-pajamas (that can feed, burp, diaper, swaddle and protect your

Read More

These Shoes Weren’t Made For Walkin’ (Gestation: 17 Weeks)

Brand-new black pumps.  When I put them on, I’m not a four-months-pregnant-mommy-of-a-toddler-with-a-stockpile-of-Preparation-H-and-Colase.  No.  I’m La Femme Nikita … if her cigarette skirt had an elastic panel over the belly.  And if she had water retention.  And didn’t have sinewy muscles.

Read More

Lonely Mommy (Gestation: 15 Weeks, Six Days)

I’ve been cruising for mommy friends like a red-assed baboon during mating season. I have a neighbor with a son Clare’s age. Today I pushed my stroller in front of her house six times, stopping to tie my shoelaces, adjust

Read More

I Want To Barf! (Gestation: 15 Weeks)

What no one tells pregnant women is that the only way to abate the continual nausea that drones in your body, akin to the ominous low hum that continually drones in Taos, New Mexico, is to eat. To eat a lot. And

Read More

Achy Breaky Breastfeeding Boobs (Gestation: 14 Weeks, Two Days)

Today at the Pump Station in Santa Monica, the epicenter of breastfeeding worship, Sage, the counter matron, (okay, maybe her name wasn’t that New Agey – it might’ve been Peg), asked pointedly over my brand new Pump-In-Style breast pump just

Read More

Pregnancy Insomnia (Gestation: 12 Weeks, 6 Days)

I’m struggling with an intractable case of insomnia.  I haven’t wanted to write it down in black and white because in doing so I’m acknowledging that it exists and may, in fact, never go away.  I’m praying this is my

Read More

Pregnancy Musical Blues (Gestation: 12 Weeks, 4 Days)

I’m obsessed with The Sound of Music.  I watch it compulsively, bursting into tears every time someone bursts into song.  Especially the song about, Maria, the character played by Julie Andrews.  “How do you solve a problem like Maria?  How

Read More

Don’t Hate Me Because I Used To Be Beautiful (Gestation: 12 Weeks, 2 Days)

Over a plate of Sake Kasu Chilean seabass with shitake mushroom tapenade at Chaya Brasserie in the heart of Beverly Hills I bathe my friend Georgia in a fiery attention. We’re both the mothers of small children whose husbands are

Read More

I’m Pregnant aka My First Month of Pregnancy

I’ve been pregnant before so I suspect my body will remember how to do it again, but I‘m old.  Not as old as say Methuselah.  But close.  Very close. Still I’m hopeful. I watch my husband Henry prepare to leave for Ralph’s

Read More