11 Things in Your Kitchen Right Now That’ll Kill You!

1. Wheat

 
Wheat is one of the deadliest foods that kill. It can give you “wheat belly;” making you bulbous and inflamed. It has things called Lectins (which sounds like some kind of formidable moss you might find in the Fern Grotto on Kauai!) that leak into your blood stream. Which means your gut is leeching poop into your blood. That’s right. Blood poop.

Also there’s wheat in beer. You know what that means. The second your tongue touches a granule of wheat your liver goes straight into fetal alcohol syndrome. 

And don’t even get me started on what it does to your omentum. Next thing you know Dr. Oz is in your bedroom at 3 a.m. with a scalpel trying to cull your belly fat.

2. Sugar

 
It’s basically heroin. And those sugar pushers are always trying to tell us it isn’t actually sugar. No, it’s:

• sucrose, which apparently causes liver fatigue. (I told you)
• brown rice syrup, which they say carries levels of arsenic? (wtf?)
• blackstrap molasses and no, it’s not what they serve in Christian Grey’s Red Room of Pain.
• panela, which is apparently a Mexican version of sugar, claro que si!!
• high fructose corn syrup, which is comprised of all the DNA in Satan semen. 

Go look in your pantry. Everything in there has sugar in it. You can’t eat that stuff! Vaginas become yeast covens on sugar. And what has plenty of yeast in it? That’s right, wheat! They’re in it together like the homicidal Kray twins!

3. Diet Coke

 
Yes, I know this isn’t technically a food. In this article “food” is anything you ingest. When it comes to Diet Coke, experts studied the mouths of a cocaine-user, a methamphetamine-user, and a habitual diet-soda drinker, and found the same level of tooth erosion in each of them.

4. Red Meat

 
You cannot even THINK about eating red meat. Two phrases, “pink slime” and “meat glue.” You don’t want to know. Or if you are going to eat red meat then it better be grassfed from the fields of Zanzibar where the wheat is pure and gluten-free.

And the cows aren’t slaughtered so much as they are massaged into a peaceful zen-like coma where they really don’t feel it when you lop off their heads.

5. Vegan Foods

 
You can feel nervous about being vegan.

It means you smell bad and have too much hair in the wrong places; and not enough hair in the right places; and you absolutely could not fight for you life in a dark alley against a masked villain manically cackling like Mel Gibson after one too many gimlets at Moonshadows, because you have absolutely no fucking muscle tone.

Where’s the protein? Peanut butter doesn’t cut it, man! (And most peanut butter has sugar in it!)

 

(I eat vegans for breakfast!)

6. Vegetable Oils

 
According to Thank Your Body this is what Evil Overlords do to make oil.

“Step 1: Find some “canola seeds.” Oh wait, they don’t exist. Canola oil is actually made from a hybrid version of the rapeseed… most likely genetically modified and heavily treated with pesticides.

“Step 2: Heat the rapeseeds at unnaturally high temperatures so that they oxidize and are rancid before you ever buy them.

7. Alcohol

 
You can feel shitty about drinking alcohol. Who cares if raising children (who you actually do love more than life itself) is like Groundhog day with the emphasis on ground, and Courvoisier neat gives it a bit of a twinkle? There is only an infinitesimal percentage of adults who want to:

• Suck snot from their infants nose with one of those suction things
• Shine a flashlight at their child’s bum at 2 a.m. to check for pinworms
• Jump in mucous-slathered ball pools and bouncy houses with their toddlers day in/day out
• Drive on field trips to the La Brea tarpits twenty times to look at the same mastodons stuck in an oozing black pool
• Cook 800,000 chickens over the course of 18 years
• Drive the same loop — school, Ralphs, pediatrician, home, school, Ralphs, pediatrician, home — like a gerbil on a wheel.

Still, put down the mommy juice Dina Lohan!

8. Cup O’ Noodles

 
Do you know how much salt is in one container of Cup O’ Noodles? Do you???

Ramen noodles have enough sodium in them to send you casket-shopping.

 
A whopping 1,560 grams of sodium per pack, which is more than half of your FDA-recommended sodium limit of 2,300 mg per day.

(Your Cat on Salt!)

9. Tilapia

 
Apparently eating Tilapia is basically eating cancer. Because it’s farm-raised on “chicken feces.” And let’s not forget “the transfer of pig and duck waste to fish farms is also a very common practice.”

Add wheat to that and you’ve got massive blood poop.

 

10. Anything French People Eat 

 
Wine (alcohol), croissants (wheat), Crêpe Suzette (sugar) and cheese! And according to One Green Planet many cheeses are made using an animal stomach enzyme! We can only hope it’s from the stomachs of animals who don’t drink Diet Coke.

11. Super Foods

 
I am not fucking kidding. Gwyneth’s life may well be at risk, because according to the Daily Mail, kale can cause thyroid malfunction; quinoa has an overload of “gut-irritating compounds;” and goji berries “are rich in a chemical compound that increases the risk of a digestive syndrome condition called ‘leaky gut’.” (Which I assume can only mean … you got it … blood poop.)

(Gwyneth after a chia seed overdose)

So what’s the takeaway? I think it’s fairly obvious. Don’t eat. It will kill you.