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5 Reasons Using Sex to Audition for Wife Won’t Work

dating to relationshipWhen I was dating Mr. Cruelly Handsome he made it very clear that sex was his top priority in a relationship and that he was terrified that marriage would put an end to it.

So for the entirety of our five-year relationship I said no to sex only once.

I remember the fallout from that as if it happened yesterday instead of twenty years ago.

Mr. C rolled on his back in bed and began kicking his feet and tantruming like a two-year-old, “I want sex, I want sex, I want sex!”

The truth is it was a funny moment between us. He meant to sound like a toddler begging for a cookie and I found it endearing. We had our good moments.

But I think we were particularly close on that one night (an oasis in a shitastrophy) and I felt, like a contestant on American Idol, that I was safe till next week.

The rest of the time I worried that, as a tall, strapping, handsome fireman, Mr. C might give in to the temptation of all the badge bunnies sniffing around the station during his overnight shifts.

I hoped by being an all-night convenience store for sex, he might stay faithful (he didn’t). And I also wanted him to know that he could count on non-stop sex if he married me (he didn’t).

Here’s why using sex to audition for wife will fail every time:

1. Men who are afraid of commitment will be able to smell something rotten in Denmark (even when you’ve showered). Commitment-phobes are like blood hounds when it comes to agendas. They can smell you gaming them over any camouflaging pheromones you emit.

2. Men who are afraid of commitment often feel smothered by having sex with you, and will react against it by having sex with the next available female in order to rid themselves of the obligation sex makes them feel toward you.

3. Having sex with a man in order to convince him you’d be a good wife puts too much pressure on the lovemaking and no matter how well you can fake an orgasm, a man can tell when you aren’t authentically turned on.

4. Having sex with a man to convince him to marry you is self-abandonment. Whenever we give another person power over us we lose ourselves and often abandon our principals and the things we value. There is nothing less appealing than a woman who has no self-esteem and is willing to ditch herself to win a man.

5. If you do manage to convince a commitment-phobe to marry you based on the gymnastic, never-ending sex you provide, you will have to keep this up forever.

Do you really want to be married to someone you have to turn somersaults for day-after-day, year-after-year for fear if you don’t he’ll want out?

Now add to that the pressures of raising children and making a living.

There is no doubt that sex is incredibly important to a good, healthy marriage, but man cannot live by puseta alone. Building your marriage on sex is like building it on the shifting sands of Kalamazoo, it’s bound to sink.

As part of my Asshat Recovery Program I’m currently taking questions for my Ask Shannon series.

Send me any questions you may have about love, dating, relationships, getting from dating to relationship and I’ll be happy to answer them here. You can submit anonymously if you like to shannon@shannoncolleary.com, and be sure to sign up for my Asshat Recovery newsletter.

Do you feel like you use sex to control your lover? Why do you think that is? Is this working for you or do you want to make a change?

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datingdating to relationship

3 comments

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  1. Zen...?
    Zen...? 11 December, 2014, 19:32

    Excellent stuff. Asshats…commitment phobics…do marry. Mine did. Just not me. We were together 12 years. I left. He met and married a younger woman in 8 months. What, my dear penner of wisdom, makes them marry. I’m told he did it to punish me. WTF?

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    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 11 December, 2014, 22:55

      Hey Zen — funnily enough after penning this post I found out the man I tried to get marry me (boy is that bad grammar, but I suspect you get my point), did, in fact ultimately marry. It was a good ten or more years after we broke up but married he is. Here’s the thing, I hope he’s grown and changed and maybe he has, I know I did. But I am grateful I was unsuccessful in getting him to marry me. I am absolutely certain it would have ended in divorce. He did not want the same things I wanted (fidelity being one of them) and I am certain that wouldn’t have changed if we married. So we have to let those guys go and move forward with our lives, only looking back to garner lessons for future choices. Easier said than done, I know, but there it is.

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  2. Jeff
    Jeff 16 September, 2015, 19:20

    My asshat was the opposite of yours sexually, she preferred to scream at me for 29 out of 30 days because she just could not believe that I was selfish enough to have an independent sex drive irregardless of whether I mentioned or displayed any interest in sex. Eventually (after 12 years) I just quit and fortunately she left me two years later. Leaving was the nicest and best thing she ever did for me.

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