“The literary equivalent of a summer night, a good friend and a gin-and-tonic: Shannon is a deft writer; a natural storyteller with a wicked turn of phrase and frighteningly specific memory...”

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My Kids Don’t Rebel Against Me, I Rebel Against Them!

Shannon Shorts 2Pic12-year-old Clare looks at me as I’m getting ready to go to the gym.

Clare: Shannon, you can’t wear those shorts.

Me: I am not Shannon, I am Mom.

Clare: You are Shannon when you wear those shorts.

Me: Is it because you don’t want anyone to know you sprang from my loins?

Clare: Ack. (vomits a little into her hand)

Me: What’s wrong with these shorts?

Clare: Have you seen them?

Me: I’m looking at them now.

Clare: But can you actually see or are you suffering from hysterical blindness because you accidentally caught your reflection in those shorts in the bathroom mirror?

Me: Are you saying they’re too short?

Clare: Yes and.

Me: Too tight?

Clare: Yes and.

Me: Too young?

Clare: Yes and.

Me: The wastelands of hideousness.

Clare: An evocative turn of phrase.

(Alright maybe she didn’t say “hysterical blindness” and “evocative turn of phrase,” but she did keep reaching over to pull my shorts down while sighing piteously.)

Clare: Mom, just don’t wear them. You must resist.

Me: Okay, yes I’m going to do that, right after I buy these shorts in Fuschia and Jungle Khaki too, wearing them every time I volunteer at the cafeteria at your school where I will be chain smoking from a hookha while soliciting 8th grade boys to rub my ankles as I yell, “Where’s my daughter Clare Colleary? I have her menstrual pads and acne cream!”

So that should work. For more parenting wisdom CLICK HERE.  Do you embarrass your kids? How?

Shannon Shorts 1 Pic

 



14 comments

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  1. Rena McDaniel-The Diary of an Alzheimer's Caregiver
    Rena McDaniel-The Diary of an Alzheimer's Caregiver 27 August, 2014, 10:48

    Ah I miss those times of seeing my children duck their little red faces into the front door of the school as my husband stood outside the car yelling “Pumpkin butt you have a beautiful day now” “Pumpkin butt, we love you” I once made her teacher snort coffee this way! A very proud moment in time. My motto is get them before they get you!

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  2. Lucrecer
    Lucrecer 27 August, 2014, 11:25

    This cracked me up!

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    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 27 August, 2014, 11:57

      Lucrecer — I have to laugh or I’ll just pewl and whine the day away.

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  3. Jennifer Cullen
    Jennifer Cullen 27 August, 2014, 12:20

    So funny! My teen daughter was embarrassed when I had to call her name out at school pickup. I was in a different car and she didn’t see me. She’s in 10th grade and she said that’s what freshman parents do!

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    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 27 August, 2014, 14:53

      Jennifer Cullen — Any relations to Edward? Sigh. I’m sure you never hear that.

      Reply this comment
  4. Anne Louise Bannon
    Anne Louise Bannon 27 August, 2014, 14:21

    You mean aside from merely existing?

    Reply this comment
  5. Rosie Carrillo
    Rosie Carrillo 27 August, 2014, 15:09

    Mostly, now, I embarrass them on Facebook…:(

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  6. Rosie Carrillo
    Rosie Carrillo 27 August, 2014, 15:11

    Sometimes my being on Facebook must be excruciating to them. 🙂

    Reply this comment
  7. Gigi
    Gigi 27 August, 2014, 15:21

    Back in the 80’s, my Mom had a ‘stint’ (and by stint, I mean a severe mental lapse) where she wore rainbow suspenders and various colored high tops with everything. This was her “Mork from Ork” phase. I would have paid to have her wear black shorts!!!

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    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 28 August, 2014, 23:54

      Oh Gigi — they’re gonna have to bury me in those black shorts. I’m never taking them off now!

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  8. AlexandraFunFit
    AlexandraFunFit 2 September, 2014, 14:08

    I wear hot pink fitness shorts to teach my group fitness classes. I was a little anxious about wearing them in public as a 50+ year old, but then my kids made fun of me, so that sealed the deal. Now I wear them a LOT. Mostly to bug my boys. It gives me great joy to see their horrified faces.

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  9. Cindyhuber
    Cindyhuber 2 September, 2014, 19:13

    Are you kidding??? I think you look awesome!

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    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 2 September, 2014, 23:09

      CindyHuber Dude — I think so too! What’s that kid talking about???

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