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Husbands and Wives: Are Henry and I the next Grey Gardens?

Husbands and wives, Shannon Bradley Colleary

H: Why is your head so much bigger than mine? Me: So it can eat yours.

The latest in my Husbands and Wives Series:

Lately Henry’s been cooking mushy, formless, tasteless chicken.

“Can you please add spices to the chicken?” I query.

“Like what kind of spices do you mean?”

“Like anything that my taste buds can detect that come from the corporeal world and not the world where we’re dead and worms are eating our guts.”

A resentful silence.

“What is that mushy white stuff?” I trepidatiously whisper.

“That’s mashed celery root also known as celeraic.”

“I thought celeriac was something you take so you won’t have a stroke?”

“Ha ha. That’s Coumadin.”

“Well, did you sprinkle a little coumadin in this celeriac, because I don’t detect any little specs of flavor or color, except for the pasty white pallor a Zombie’s face has before he eats your brains.”

Another resentful silence.

I watch Henry taste his mashed celeriac. Suddenly I can see what he’ll look like when I’m bent over with osteoperosis, my dental bridge slipping out of my salubrious mouth while I attempt to change his Depends as he gums his mush.

Instantly I get online to order a crate of Bolivian white, six bottles of Mescal, an ex-Chippendales prostitute and a barrel of lube.

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6 comments

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  1. KymberlyFunFit
    KymberlyFunFit 1 April, 2014, 12:39

    You need to be even more rich and famous with the quality of your writing. Much higher than the quality of poor Henry’s chicken!

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    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 1 April, 2014, 17:10

      Kymberly — I thank you. And Henry’s chicken thanks you as well, which she’s able to do as no one has eaten her. Nor ever will.

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  2. Lisa
    Lisa 2 April, 2014, 09:34

    Wait, you have one of those cooking husbands? Must be nice! Even if it isn’t delicious…

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    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 2 April, 2014, 10:02

      Lisa I do have one of those husbands!! He’s a true sweetheart even if his chicken is mushy!

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  3. Roseanne Salyer
    Roseanne Salyer 4 April, 2014, 19:24

    How do you even make chicken mushy? I love your column.
    You won’t remember this, but a while back (I don’t remember what that column was about)I wrote that my husband was very ill. You sent me a lovely reply. On Feb. 1st he died. He was one of those cooking husbands, also. Only his chicken tended to be a little on the crunchy side, as he thought a 4 lb. chicken should cook for several hours to make sure it was done.
    Thanks for your humor and wisdom. It makes me laugh and cry.

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    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 4 April, 2014, 21:51

      Hi Roeanne — it’s so lovely to see you here again and it means so much to me that I can put a smile on your face. I’m so sorry for the loss of your wonderful husband. It seems that if he and my husband had cooked together we might have had the most delicious, perfect chicken. I’m sending you my love. Keep in touch. xo S

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